What is "fair"?

Today was a very angry day for me. Very emotional. I'm told anger is normal and expected but I don't like to be angry. I want to be positive and upbeat but I just can't. Not right now. 

First I must say I have so many things to be utterly grateful about. There are many things to be very thankful for. They are:

• Luke is alive, well, stable and doing incredibly well in his vitals for a preemie his age.
• Luke does not have any disorders or disfigurements.
• Luke has amazing family and friends that love him so very much and think so highly of him.
• Luke is absolutely adorable (ok... that's mommy's deal ... I am very biased on him)

Medically we must be thankful for the following:

• The valve in his heart is much much smaller thanks to the medicine he took. The doctor is very confident it will close on its own. This is super news! 
• He is tolerating his feedings very well. He's even been increased in his number of feedings per day. Again super news! 
• He is OFF his breathing tube - now he may have to be put on it again, this would be completely normal if so - and he is breathing with the help of a ventilator through his nose. For a preemie born at 24 weeks his lung activity is so advanced. This is perhaps the most amazing news we have gotten. Also now that his breathing tube is out the risk of infection is significantly lower. God is GOOD! 
• Blood pressure is stable! No more blood pressure medicine for now! The doctor commented on this today - she has been very impressed with the fact that a preemie his age has been mostly off blood pressure medicine and when he has been on it, it has been such low dosages. 
• His vitals continue to stay strong!!! 

But today has not been all excellent news. Luke had an ultrasound of his brain to check things out in his noggin. This yielded some scary, yet fairly common, results. The doctor told us that all preemies are born with some bleeding in the brain. This is caused from the very tiny and very thin capillaries in the brain that sometimes rupture. Again, this is considered very normal, in fact all preemies show evidence of this at some point on their road to recovery. In the infant brain there are two ventricles shaped like a letter "C" one on the right side and one on the left side. These ventricles have a netting of capillaries (the same ones I just described) within them. When doctors read the results of this ultrasound they grade the "severity" of the bleeding on a scale of 1-4, 1 being no concern and 4 being considered severe. Luke was given a grade of 3. Even though they don't rate the grade itself (meaning mild, moderate, severe) the doctor said if they did it would be a mild grade 3. 

The bleeding is not a concern, in fact he has more fluid than blood which is exactly what they want to see. He got the grade 3 based on the size of the ventricle. If the ventricle fills with fluid and begins to apply pressure to the brain itself then they will need to do surgery and insert a tube to drain the fluid. Sometimes the fluid drains itself and this problem essentially corrects itself. This may not be now, it could be weeks, months from now. It is usually rectified by the time preemies are released from the hospital. Luke will get another ultrasound in one week to see what his brain is doing with the fluid and blood. Prayers are so desperately needed that this can be downgraded to a level 1 or 2. Prayers, prayers, prayers!!! So far each of our prayers have been pretty much answered in a positive way so let's pray we can get the same outcome this time! They can very well get higher results which would be very bad and very unwanted. 

The doctor mentioned the negative effects of this type of activity in his brain. She said it has a 50/50 chance of resulting in mental developmental issues. But she did reassure us that if he does develop any developmental issues it is most likely from his early entry into the world and not his issues with his brain. Let's hope no developmental issues come of this!!! 

Mommy is a walking zombie. I love AMC's The Walking Dead, never in a million years thought that would describe me. All day today I cried. Emotionally deep crying. I have been so angry. Angry because I want to know why this happened to me. Why do I have to be tested like this? Am I really strong enough? Right now I honestly don't know. I can only be the best I can be right now. And it doesn't feel like much. Last night I called to check on Luke before I "went to bed" (as if). He was sleeping of course, resting like he should be. But I cried. I cried because I never thought this would be my life. Scott held me and told me I was the best Mommy in the world. I wish I felt that way. I feel like this is all my fault. I know it's not. I honestly do. But I can't help feeling the way I do. 

I keep expecting to wake up from this like a bad nightmare. I wish it were. I think about my life over the past 25 weeks. I barely had time to process that I was actually pregnant and enjoy my pregnancy before it was ripped away from me. Now I am living in an alternate world where I literally cringe when the phone rings. 

I don't want to come off as a whiny negative person. I really am not like that. I am actually a happy loving person. I have always tried to stay positive and keep good karma. Out of everything that has happened, I am so very happy that my precious Luke is here safely as he can be. I am so happy that I can see his sweet face now, his perfect piggies, his sweet little hands (which by the way are my hands all day long! even daddy says so), his head full of perfect dark hair and everything else on him that I adore. It does help me to write these feelings out so I don't keep the negativity bottled up. 

Again - and I will never tire of saying this, nor will I ever be able to express it enough - thank you thank you thank you for everything everyone has done for us in the past week. The thoughts, the prayers, the success stories, the food, the sweet texts and messages of encouragement, the cards and the gifts I can never never thank everyone enough. 

I also can't express to everyone how AMAZING everyone at Northside Hospital is. I will forever sing the praises of that facility and I will forever be in debt to them for not only saving my sweet baby's life but mine as well. 

Love each one of you for taking a moment to check in on my sweet family.