“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” - Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
It has been one year since Luke blessed us with his presence. 365 days. Over 8,000 hours. Countless minutes. Agonizing seconds. To say time flies would be a severe understatement. I still smell the hospital room. I still feel the compression stockings. Inflating, deflating. It feels like yesterday. Not a year ago. They say time heals all wounds, and I am sure that is true, but today the wounds did not heal. Instead, they opened back up, as fresh as they were 365 days ago.
It's so hard to believe this is my life now. It's surreal to acknowledge the fact that one year ago today my life changed drastically. See, today, being Luke's birthday, I should be planning a birthday party for him. While I was pregnant I had already imagined these things for Luke. I had envisioned his theme would either be baseball or NASCAR. All of his beloved family would be there as he "smashes" his cake. Everyone would see the gifts he would get. He would have such a big day! Later in the night we would hug Luke and tell him how much we love him before tucking him in tight for sweet dreams. This was my dream. He would be our little man.
But instead, Scott and I went to the cemetery this morning to "celebrate" (mourn) Luke's birthday. Pretty morbid, huh? You are probably thinking, "You shouldn't say things like that" or "You shouldn't feel that way". Well this is my reality. I will never have that party for Luke. He will never know what it feels like to wake up on the day of his birthday full of excitement. We won't tuck him in tonight and tell him how much we love him. We had to say that through 6 feet of Earth at the cemetery. Do I sound bitter? Yes, I do. And I am aware. But I feel I am justified in these feelings today. After all, this is nearing the end of the year of "firsts". All we have next would be the anniversary of his death. We've been through the holidays, his due date, other pregnancies and births, and even loss some friends of ours. I've been attempting to prepare myself for this day for quite some time. And yet it turned out to be nothing like I had thought it would be. I am more bitter than I thought I would be. Less emotional, I've only cried twice. Way more painful than I anticipated. My heart has fluttered all day. My stomach has stayed in knots.
I have so much amazing support that I am almost ashamed of the way I feel. So many shoulders to cry on, ears to bend and hands to hold. Surely this isn't how a strong woman who has been through what I have acts. She's more peaceful and serene. She's not bitter, she's thankful. Ugh nothing could be further from the truth. I won't beat myself up too much over it, after all this is the first year. I know that over time pain fades, but the scars are forever. But I have to express myself through this outlet so I don't bottleneck the emotions and explode one day. Oh - speaking of scars - my little reminder from last year has finally faded enough that I don't notice it every day. Hey, that's improvement!
Last night Scott and I went to the Braves game. We had so much fun. But through the entire game all I could think of was Luke. How much he would have enjoyed going. I saw so many families with their babies and children. And I couldn't help but think to myself how much they appreciated what they have. One baby was squirming and her mother looked highly annoyed with her. I wish I had Luke to squirm around on me. Oh if I had Luke I would never let him go. It's natural, I know. Every single moment of parenthood is not rainbows and butterflies. I also understand that until someone experiences something like I have, they will never really know what it feels like to be without. And it's totally not anyone's fault. I can't expect everyone to know how heartbreaking it can be to watch someone's child grow and be happy and healthy.
This past year has held some of the happiest days of my life (seeing Luke for the first time, our first touch, holding him, Kangaroo time) and some of the darkest (losing Luke and the couple of moths afterwards). Through it all I have learned one thing - life goes on. For others looking in on Scott and I it's just another day. Another 8 hours at work. Another trip to the grocery store. Another day at school. But for us it's the day that time officially stood still in our life. I don't want to sound 100% bitter because I'm not. I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. Things I never knew I could do. I could make it through things I never imagined having to face. I have come to appreciate so many things that before Luke I would have never thought twice about. I have made friends that if not for Luke I would have never met. I have truly been able to look at life through a different set of eyes, and although the circumstances of this are ones that I would never wish on my worst enemy, that very few people will ever have the opportunity to do. I have looked through the eyes of a person that never thought it would happen to me to the eyes of someone that takes time to learn something from every situation I find myself in.
I love my husband so much more than I ever have. It's a new love. I have seen him become a wonderful father and my rock during hard times. Every day I find something new to fall in love with him about. I am so grateful for him. He's seen me at my absolute worst and yet he still loves me. Some couples don't make it through a tragic event like this. I am thankful that Scott and I only became closer.
Probably the biggest battle I have fought in the last 6 months would be whether or not children will eventually be a part of our life. Some days I wish for 2 or 3 children and other days the thought makes me ill. I know when the time is right things will fall into place the way they were meant to. And the things that fall into place may or may not include children. Time will tell that.
I celebrated 5 years of marriage with Scott this year. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last - I mean we did run off and elope after 2 months of seeing each other. But here we are celebrating the first of many milestones to come in our marriage. I also lost my sweet grandmother this year. That was really hard for me. She was the only grandparent I had left and the only grandparent I spent so much of my life with. It's actually a bit odd - I lost the youngest person in my life and the oldest this year. It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I will never talk to my grandmother again. No more trips to Statesboro. No more stories of Bingo and craft time. But I know she is in Heaven with my Aunt Joyce (her sister) and Luke, her son James that passed as a teenager, the rest of her siblings and family and most importantly she is reunited with her love, my Papa, JW. She's finally at peace and reunited with all of her loved ones.
Thank you for taking a moment to check in with us. Thank you all for remembering Luke, you will never know how much that means to us.
Xoxo,
Melissa
