Purpose and Fulfillment

"I must not just live my life; I will not just spend my life. I will invest in my life." Helen Keller

"Our greatest fulfillment lies in giving ourselves to others." Henri J.M. Nouwen


Many of us had dreams when we were little. BIG dreams. Extraordinary dreams. Astronauts, Engineers, Teachers, President of the United States (or First Lady if you're lucky ;) ), etc. Big dreams we just knew we could do, dreams we knew we could achieve. As life progresses oftentimes these dreams take a different path. Circumstances in life may make you feel like you can't achieve your dreams. But if you could do it all over again, if you could be given that second chance at life, what would you do? Little things can inspire these dreams you had as a child or big things can inspire them as well. 

I have said this time and time again, but Luke is my inspiration. He was given to me to learn a whole new world, a whole new meaning to life, and he was taken from me to give me the push to dream big again. 

When I was little I always thought I would be a teacher or a nurse. I would always "doctor" or "teach" my stuffed animals. I loved it! Thinking back on some of the things I did are actually quite hilarious. "I'm sorry Merle (my Cabbagepatch doll) you did not pass this test. This is not addition." I am laughing just remembering. Then I would write notes to Merle's mom and pin them on him explaining his terrible grades. Looking back nowI realize those were my first memories of "helping others". Yes it's quite funny to think I was helping dolls and stuffed animals, but a child's imagination is endless if you fuel it. 

I also remember these stray puppies showed up in our yard one day. I instantly fell in love. So I started to "teach" them. I would set these puppies on the railings of my porch and try to teach songs to them. Then the ultimate "boo-boo" happened - one puppy fell off the railing and broke his leg. I immediately felt bad and hurt. I rushed inside and told my mama what had happened. She helped me make a splint out of items in the house (we always had tons since my dad worked at a mobile home manufacturing plant, lol) and with the help of mama we fixed his leg. We then found out they were actually our neighbor's puppies so mama then took them all back over the fence and told the neighbor's what happened. No one got in trouble, I mean it was an accident, but that is a second flag of my need to "help". I had to fix that puppy. He had to be whole again and not broken.

It is funny to write that. That's what I am accomplishing with the help of my wonderful therapist for myself. I am broken. But I want to be whole again. And I will be. And I will be a much better person than I have ever been in my life. 

So as you know, I am neither a nurse nor a teacher. There are reasons: 1- nursing, not so much what I had imagined. I am not calm enough to react in a quick situation correctly, 2 - teaching, again, not so much. I am lacking a great deal of patience, and as I understand that is a definite requirement to teaching. God bless all the medical providers and teachers out there! You make our world a better place.

I have been thinking of these aspirations from childhood a lot lately. I am happy where I am in life, wonderful husband, great family and friends, and a job that I can say I love to get up and go to every single day. I am definitely blessed. But that yearning I had as a child is just too great to ignore. What am I doing in my life that is really fulfilling my need to help others? 

That is why I decided to become heavily involved in the March of Dimes. This is an amazing group. They are saving our lives, not just our children, but our parents as well. This is where I can satisfy that craving to help others, and if it had not been for Luke, I would never know this was my calling. Here is my purpose, here is my passion. This is what I was meant to do. Do everything I can to help others who do, unfortunately, go through what Scott and I did and to be a pillar of support for those who feel they have no hope when times are the darkest. I know that feeling. I have been there way more times than I would have preferred. I have persevered. Am I 100% back to me? No and in all reality I never will be. But the new me can be a host for support and inspiration. I don't plan on stopping after March for Babies. I will continue to be an advocate for March of Dimes. I will continue to prove that there is life after a tragedy, it just takes time - and of course a little support from someone who knows exactly how you feel.

With that being said, please think about donating or even being there for support at March for Babies. Everything counts. There is truly no deed too small for this organization. If you are reading this and you would like more information about Luke's walk, please visit the website below to become involved. It is well worth your time. 

      http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2040652
     

With that being said, I thank you all for being so supportive. I thank you all for caring. I most importantly thank God for putting each one of you in my life. 

Melissa

Commandment #10

Commandment 10: Thou shalt not covet.

Deadly Sin 1: Lust

Coincidentally these two sayings, the commandment and the sin, actually go hand in hand. We are not to covet what others have - homes, cars, jobs, money, power, etc. But the first deadly sin is Lust which in turn believes that all human nature is bound to lust for something - cars, jobs, money, power, etc. 

I must admit that in the past few weeks I have found myself guilty of these two things. I have coveted what others have that I don't and I have lusted for these things the same. First, I want to say that I in no way mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. Nor is it my intent to upset. I just want to write about the things I have found myself lusting and coveting as it relates to me and where I am at in my recovery. Therapy is teaching me so much. My therapist is amazing and I wouldn't be in my recovery if it weren't for her. I tell her the things I lust and covet for and she says that it is a normal part of my healing process. 

I have a very close family member who is nearing the end of her pregnancy. She is only 3 months behind me in relation to the due date. I love her and her sweet baby. I can't wait to meet him and hold him. But in a way I lust for that. Not in an inappropriate way, I lust to hold a newborn healthy baby boy like it should have been for me. I then start to lust for my own healthy newborn baby for myself. I will not lie and say that I won't be tearful when the time comes, when we get the phone call or text that baby is here. But I want to hold him just for a moment to see what it feels like. And to thank God that he has given this precious child a wonderful life to live with his family as well as the family who will have their very own precious life to have forever. 

What I am coveting may be a little more strange to some, but again my therapist said it's a perfectly normal part of the grieving and healing process and I should feel this way. There is a girl I work with that is pregnant, just in her first trimester. I covet her pregnancy. I want my own! I want to feel that life inside of me again and the comfort that sweet baby feels being with its Mommy all day and night long. I love her the same and her baby also. 

When I tell my therapist how I feel she assures me that I am normal, but I almost feel shameful. My time will come when it's right - but my impatient side, my yearning maternal side craves it so much. And rightfully so. All of my dreams and hopes for Luke were so violently ripped away from me that the only way the body knows to fix the trauma is to replace it with something else. Which in my case is another baby. But I know better. If I were to become pregnant again right now I don't think I would be able to handle it. It's such a confusing time. 

I see all of my friends on Facebook with their precious babies and their sweet pregnancies and I think "Why me God?" Why am I the one that has to have these jealous feelings for another person's happiness? I then realize that these are normal reactions when you have lost something so close to your heart. The same could be said if I were single and watching all of my friends marry and start families of their own, or it could be said for someone laid off from their job but their friends don't have the slightest financial problems. I know it is part of the human psyche - part of our nature to yearn for more. Then you have a tragedy occur and it is intensified by a million. But I continue to pray for solace within my soul and I have it most of the time. 

My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She said that it's unusual for people to think of that term as being associated with anything other than military type mental illness. But that's not true. Losing your child, being in an abusive relationship, having an abusive parent, all of these things can also trigger PTSD. I told my therapist about my dreams of Luke and she says they are caused from the PTSD and she also said unfortunately some of these odd occurrences will stay with me forever given the situation.

I love to see my preemie babies growing and doing so well but it also saddens me at the same time. I'll never get to take Luke home with me. I won't be able to watch him grow and make a lifetime of memories with him. It's selfish almost but I think it's a deserved selfishness. Why couldn't my Luke do these amazing things and be home with us by now? Why did my fate have to turn out the way it did? I don't think I will ever get the answer to that. 

I want to reiterate over and over again, if you read this and you are pregnant, or have a newborn, or you are my co-worker and family member, please do not take offense or get upset by what I say. I may have mixed emotions right now because everything is still so new to me, but I do not love you or your baby any less. I am also no less thrilled for you! 

I hate to feel shameful or selfish. But I can't help but feel that right now. Everything is so new. 

I have spent a lot of time thinking of sweet Baby Aaron who got his wings a couple of weeks ago. This brought back so many emotions so perhaps that explains why I have these feelings of lust and covent. Baby Aaron fought so hard, so hard, to live and at a time when he should have been at home with Mommy and Daddy learning the ways of the world. 
Aaron tried so hard to live with his new livers but he just couldn't. My heart breaks for him and his family. Knowing what they are going through first hand just saddens me so deeply.

I have to thank everyone for supporting Scott and I during this new path we found ourselves hurdled down. Everything is so new, perspective has changed so much. We continue to find ourselves and how we fit into a world without Luke. 

I almost feel like these are still the days of the NICU. Emotional roller coaster. I am ready to depart this ride and ready for things to steadily return to normal. Or for whatever normal is going to be for us now. The ups and downs, they are not going anywhere any time soon. There will always be that person that says the wrong thing, or that situation where we relive our tragedy again. But in time we will learn how to properly cope with it and it won't be so bad then. 

It's so hard to watch life progress on when you are still stuck in the days of your tragedy. But I keep praying. I keep my faith and I keep my hope. 

I will close with a little bit of my nerdy side shining through, two quotes from two of my favorite book series:

"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
JRRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring