Tomorrow is Another Day

As the New Year approaches I can’t help but look back at the year with a sense of bitter sweetness. While I can say without a doubt it has been one of my saddest years, it has also been one of my happiest. I became a mother. I learned how to love someone more than I love anything else in this world. And I learned how to lose my child all the same. It is perhaps the loneliest feeling in the world, but one I wouldn’t trade to have never known Luke.

I have had many happy memories just the same. Making memories with Scott, going back home to State Farm, finding out I was expecting, having Luke and having the miracle that he was for the time I did, and meeting so many new friends that I know will stay with me for a lifetime. Finding a peace about me has also been very rewarding. I love myself more than I ever have in my life. And I have only Luke to thank for that. I also have Luke to thank for my salvation and my newfound love for life.

I can’t deny that my sad times were the lowest I have ever felt, and rightfully so. But I am hopeful for a fulfilling future. I look forward to the days that I have ahead of me, whatever they may bring. I will never take things for granted again. Luke taught me that. To live each day as if it were your last and to do unto others as you would have done unto you, to take time to watch the butterflies and smell the flowers, take time to make adventure wherever you are. Love the life you are given and don’t mistake tragedy for despair. We are only given one chance at life and you should make the best out of it.

I think about the blessings I have been given in life and I realize that sometimes blessings are truly disguised. It’s hard to realize that at times. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger for sure and by the grace of God I am still here for another day. Life can seem so hard at times but know that there isn’t any burden too large for you to carry. I have learned that albeit maybe not the most desirable way.

I thank God for letting me see another day and I thank Him for continuing to love me, even when He doesn’t have to. It’s easy to forget that at times but so rewarding when you remember.

Tonight, at midnight, I will put all of my heartache away and embrace the New Year with open arms. I hope you do the same. I hope everyone takes a moment to count their blessings and be truly thankful for all they do have, even if it doesn’t seem like much. You have the ground beneath your feel and air in your lungs. And you have the love of a Heavenly Father that will never leave you nor betray you.

Be safe, have fun, and best wishes to a brand New Year!

Forever Young

This post will be incredibly personal ... and I am okay with that. I want to share my most personal thoughts and feelings so that maybe Luke's purpose in life will be remembered. And honored. And his purpose will be recognized for, what I believe, what it was meant to mean to all of us. 

When I was pregnant I had the most vivid dreams. Dreams of my baby. Dreams of what this baby meant. Dreams of who they would be and what they would become. Mostly I blamed these vivid dreams on pregnancy and the raging hormones I was experiencing. But one night I had a dream that I now realize meant more than it did at the time. I dreamed that I was carrying a son and he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He radiated in a way I had never seen before. He had a spirit and aura that I literally can't describe because it was beyond any experience I had ever had, anything I had ever imagined. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. Then I felt that he should be named Luke. When I woke up the next morning I just knew in my heart that I was having a boy and he was to be Luke, for some unknown reason. This was before I found out I was having a boy. So when I did get confirmation I knew this foreseen prophecy was real. I had this dream for a reason. I told Scott in the doctor's office - "This is Luke". 

I have always felt I was spiritual but I never considered myself religious. I just had so many questions. So many doubts. I am not ashamed to admit this. I have come to realize that this is what happens when you begin to accept Christianity and accept the Holy Spirit as part of your being. You start to question and you realize your doubts. And when you least expect it, your questions are answered and your doubts vanish. That's what happened with me when I became pregnant. I thought, I don't even know if I want children and now I am pregnant... I have so many doubts about my capability of being a mother, am I ready for this ..... I wasn't even trying and it happened .... could this be my miracle that I was meant to have? I felt then that a purpose was put upon me, I just didn't realize what that purpose would really turn out to be. Sometimes in life it is true that you can't have any triumph without some tragedy. And it is true. I couldn't sit here and tell the world, tell anyone who wants to listen, share with everyone reading this that I, Melissa Malone, am a firm believer in the Heavenly Father and all He unselfishly gave to all of us in hopes that we would believe in His word. Believe in Him. 

In Sunday School growing up I always enjoyed lessons that Mrs. Kern taught us from the book of Luke. I thought, maybe this is why I love the name so much. It is my favorite book in the Bible. And I know that the story in Luke is the same as in Matthew but I always got excited when Mrs. Kern decided to teach us from Luke instead. I researched the book of Luke after my Luke was born and I found that some believe the book of Luke concentrated on Mary's genealogy and Matthew concentrated on Joseph's. Either way, it's always been my favorite book. I realize now that I was given this prophecy so many years ago and it came to me again when I was expecting my first child. I do believe now that I have a desire to know all I can about Luke himself and the book in the Bible. 

I found an audio book on the book of Luke and bought it. It's a modern reading of the book interpreted to our English language. I started this book Monday. Within the first 30 minutes, I found myself rewinding the book several times to hear this one particular story over and over. See, I was meant to hear this story in Luke. I was meant to make this connection with my Luke. I was meant all along to have Luke and lose him. And this is why I feel this is true:

There was a priest, Zacharias, and his wife Elisabeth who could not conceive a child in Judea. The couple were very religious and walked in the path of God. One day the angel Gabriel appeared to Zacharias and spoke of a prophecy from God that he and Elisabeth would bear a son and he was to be named John. The prophecy was to come true, Elisabeth would bear this child and he would become John the Baptist. He would baptize many and he would come to be recognized as one of the first to believe that Jesus was the Messiah and the son of God. He would be Jesus's friend and would help him spread the word of God. During Elisabeth's pregnancy Gabriel also appeared to Mary and told her that she would birth the son of God. Mary then visited Elisabeth to tell her the news the angel gave to her. Elisabeth told Mary that she too had been blessed with a child. When Mary told Elisabeth that she would be the mother of Jesus, John leaped in Elisabeth's womb. John the Baptist went on to baptize Jesus later in life for the sins of man, not Jesus himself. 

Now, I am sure you are wondering why I feel this story is of significance to me and my son Luke. It speaks to me. When I heard it I couldn't hear it enough. I listened over and over to make sure I was hearing it right. To make sure I was not misinterpreting the story. See, my Luke was born six months to the day of his estimated due date. I was 24 weeks exactly. I see myself like Elisabeth, no I am not infertile, but I was not convinced that I would not have children. I see the significance in the six month reference because Mary was conceived with Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. Elisabeth's womb leaped when Mary mentioned Jesus, the man who would save us all. I see significance that she gave birth to John the Baptist, a great man that would baptize and save so many people in his life. 

Luke saved me. My child saved me from a life lacking fulfillment and joy. Though I weep and am saddened that he had to be taken from me, I realize that he was given to me for this reason. I was not meant to have him, just as Mary was not meant to have Jesus. I don't want to come off like I think my son was the second coming of Jesus, but my son was my salvation. If this had never happened to me, if Luke had never come into my life and gone like he did, I wouldn't be here sharing this story with everyone. I wouldn't be where I am spiritually in my life. I wouldn't be saved like I am today. 

I feel that my prophecy was given to me at a very young age. There is a meaning behind why I came to love the book of Luke so much. There is a meaning behind why I had a dream where my son would be named Luke and he would do great things. There is a meaning why I had him at six months. There is a meaning why Luke's life was short lived. He accomplished more than some do in a lifetime. He saved me from myself. And I feel one of the greatest things you can do in life is save another person, for if you have done that then your life is complete. And Luke did that for me. And who's to say that Luke hasn't done that for more people? He could have touched lives and saved people that I would never know. Luke's life was short but it was not meaningless. 

I found Jesus when Luke was born at 24 weeks, much like Jesus was conceived when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. This is when I feel the world was given Jesus, when he was conceived in Mary's womb. I was given Jesus when I was six months pregnant just like the world was given Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant. I grew to love my child and lose him much like Mary lost Jesus. My sacrifice in life was Luke. I was meant to have him for a short time and give him back to God because he was put here to save me. And when his work was done, he went back to the same hands that miraculously gave him to me in the first place. I am proud to be Luke's mom. I will forever hold that title close to my heart. Though I know I will continue to grieve, I know I will continue to be sad and mourn for my sweet Luke, I also rejoice in knowing that he is with the Lord and he is in the safest place anyone could be. And he's all mine when I see him again. And I will have him for an eternity then. I rejoice in knowing that my sweet baby saved me and that his presence did not go unknown. That his meaning in life is known and accepted even though it hurts. 

I am not perfect, none of us are. I still have my moments where I lose hope. But it always comes back to me. I have my moments where I feel like life can't be any lower than it feels at that moment, but I get back up and start again. I will have my times of despair but I know that I will pull through them because God is with me. Jesus is with me. He never leaves. God also put each one of you in my life to help me progress as well. If I didn't have the encouragement I have from so many I don't believe I would be here telling you this story. I couldn't focus on the positive instead of the negative. My wish is that everyone can find hope again after reading my stories of Luke. I hope everyone can find their rainbow during the storm. I don't think life is meant to be lived without some tragedy. Because through tragedy we learn to have faith that life has a greater meaning. And although that meaning may not make sense at the time, it will when it's supposed to. 

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Even though I had more downs that ups, I still had my ups and sometimes that is all one can hope for when such tragedy is experienced. My greatest treasure will always be in my heart forever. 

Luke 12:34 : For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 

God Only Knows

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."- C.S. Lewis

Lamentations 3:31-33
"For the Lord will not cast off for ever.
 But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his      mercies.
 For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men."

I have read many things on the stages of grief. All the emotions you feel and what they mean. But I can't help but feel different. These stages of grief, they seem so broad. Of course you will be angry, of course you will be depressed. No doubt you will be in denial and sad. That's grief for losing a loved one period. It has to be different when it's your child. Your baby. It seems so generalized. Here's the normal things you will feel. There's no mention of fear. Or how hard everyday life becomes after something like this happens to you. How mundane everything becomes. Where's the mention that life seems insignificant after losing a child? Not life itself, I am very happy to be here, but the "normal" things you were once so happy to be part of. The joy that leaves your heart over things that you once found so much happiness in. Where's that stage?

When I was pregnant all I could do was daydream about my life with Luke. The things we would do together. The memories we would make. His first day of school. His graduation. His wedding. His first child. I was in a way obsessed with him. I couldn't wait to hold him. I couldn't wait to teach him things. I couldn't wait to hear him talk for the first time or walk for the first time. I imagined his first time meeting Santa, would he cry? Would he smile at him? I imagined his first Halloween costume. What would he be? Luke Skywalker? A Ghostbuster? What would his favorite childhood things be? Would he have a favorite pet? These are the things that filled my mind day and night about Luke. I would think about the things that made me so happy in childhood. Slushies from the gas station, ice cream cups with the wooden spoons, riding the roads in the country and enjoying nature. Would Luke like these things? 

I guess I couldn't wait to be like everyone else who had children. I couldn't wait to post his first pictures or videos of his first words and steps. Videos of him singing in the car with Mommy and Daddy. Pictures of him playing with the dogs. I couldn't wait to fill my home with pictures of my miracle Luke. I longed for these things when I was pregnant. I longed for the family we were fixing to have. Mommy, Daddy and Luke. Instinct kicks in during pregnancy and you have these feelings of the love to come in the years ahead. I couldn't wait for him to love our friends too, like Auntie Molls and Auntie Jess. Uncle JV. Auntie Amy and Uncle Josh, Auntie Rachel and Uncle Chris. I couldn't wait for him to know his Auntie Robyn and Uncle John and his three cool cousins. He would love his Uncle Brad because he would ride all of the roller coasters with him and take him to the coolest theme parks in the world! I just thought through my entire pregnancy that we will have our sweet baby too! Now family functions will have more meaning because Luke will be there too! Luke will be at Callie and Ty's parties and Sam and Eli's. Lainey and Bree. And sweet baby Collins that will be here in April. I started to think this is how it's supposed to be. 

But of course it didn't turn out that way. So because of that my hopes and dreams for the future have been pulled away from me. My Luke was taken from me. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to still be in my belly and growing strong. I was supposed to have him on January 22nd, a full term baby. But instead he came 16 weeks early and only lived 5 weeks 3 days. When he was born, I didn't abandon all hope. I had it. I depended on hope and faith. I then became obsessed with that. I became obsessed with hope and faith keeping Luke alive and helping him pull out of this and be a normal baby. I became obsessed with Luke's survival. How will this happen? How can it continue to go on like this? When is the turning point? When will he get better? Obsession is the best used word for this situation. Every drug they gave him, every medicine they hooked him up to, every breathing tube, every monitor, every lab, every test, every ultrasound and scan, every x-ray I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know what they were doing and why. And how will it help him? So obsession is quite right. 

But my obsession with that only got me so far. I slowly lost the hope and faith on Sunday the 11th. Actually on that day I lost hope and faith the minute my baby was gone and wasn't coming back. When Luke passed I became obsessed with everything. What happened? Why did this happen? Why were you giving him this if there was a risk of cardiac arrest? Why couldn't he be saved? I wanted him swaddled a certain way. I wanted him to have a proper bath without all of those damn wires and tubes poking out of him. When they removed the IV's and tubes I saw my baby for the first time without anything on him. I saw his entire face. I became obsessed with cleaning him. I didn't want one single mark on him. No dry skin, no sticky residue from his bandages, nothing. I wanted this baby to look like how he should have naturally. 

Now I am obsessed with living life without him. It is not fair. I flipped the light on in the kitchen earlier and it made me think of Luke. Yes, something that simple can trigger a meltdown. I flipped the light switch on and thought, this is BS. Luke will never flip a light switch. But here I am flipping them on and off, adjusting the temperature in the house, cleaning dishes, and all for what? Why did Luke have to die?! Why wasn't I taken instead of him?! My body failed him so why do I continue to live and he doesn't? My body should have given itself up for Luke. I would gladly be where he is now if he could be where I am now. In his home with his things and his pets and his Daddy. Living, breathing, learning. I've done that for the past 28 years. He will never know these things. It infuriates me. Why couldn't I have been the one to go and let him stay and grow up and know the things I already knew? So not fair. 

But what is fair? Hmmmm .... that's a good one to think about. Is it fair that there are babies in NICU's around the country that have been abandoned by their heartless parents? Oh your baby doesn't come out quite like you thought they should so you just hand them over to the state? That really pisses me off. I would gladly die to take Luke's place and have him happy and healthy and experience life but yet I get my baby  taken from me by death. Yet these clowns that act like they are parents and then the rough parts come in and they jump ship the minute they can? MAKES ME SICK.

Before I got pregnant with Luke I will be the first to stand up and admit that I was not a very good person. I mean I upheld the law, I worked a full time job and went to school full time. But I was a chief complainer. I complained about everything. It was just who I was. I thought I had all the answers and thought I knew what life was about. But boy was I wrong. DEAD WRONG. So after something so traumatic happens and you have to eventually pick the pieces up and move on you realize how petty this really is. It really bothers me to get on Facebook and see someone put a status up about how annoying their kids are being right then. Really? Or complaints about the Burger King drive thru. Or, oh these are my all time favorites, I can't do anything now because I have kids and my life sucks because I have to be around them all the time. Well .... I can tell you this - I wish I had my baby with me. I wish he would annoy me. I wish I could say I couldn't do something because of my baby.... get that? Please be happy that you have a happy healthy baby. Be grateful. Love them. Love them even harder than before. Go places with them instead of without them. Spend all the time you can with them because there is a reality out there that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are. And even though my Luke was technically medically sick, meaning the point he was at in life he could not live without the medicine and machines helping him, it was still a HUGE surprise when he was taken away from us. and it was a matter of 10 minutes. So I say love until you can't love anymore. I would want for nothing but my baby here with me so I can love on him. 

Today we took Peaches to the doctors office for her yearly checkup and vaccinations. While we were in the lobby waiting on the girls to bring her out, a lady came in crying hysterically with her husband and her pet wrapped in a blanket. He was deceased. I almost fainted when it happened because it gave me flashbacks of Luke swaddled in his blanket and me holding him and crying and pleading for his life. It broke my heart. And yes I know someone's pet is different from someone's child but I don't think so. A loved life lost is a life lost the same. That poor lady was grieving for her sweet fur baby. It hurt me. And I held Peaches a little tighter tonight because it touched me so deeply. 

So if it's one thing I can say that maybe makes sense is - take my tragedy and learn from it. Tomorrow may not come for some of us. Spend all the time  you can loving your babies and appreciating every moment because we are no guaranteed anything in life except that we will all die. I didn't have an ideal situation but I had one with Luke. And I loved him every minute of every day and still do. I think of him non-stop. But I am mostly upset that I didn't get to have the mounds of memories that I had psyched myself up with during pregnancy. I will never have them with Luke. But everyone out there has time now to do it. And I hope you do. 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

Make the World Go Away

Today has been one month since Luke left my arms and joined the Holy Spirit in Heaven. I struggled through the day. It was a sad and angry day for me. I couldn't help but to relive that day with Luke over and over again in my mind. Oh how I long for him. I long to hold him close to my heart, to smell his sweet skin again, to feel his heart beat with mine, to have life running through his body again. What I wouldn't do to have his sweet kisses again. His tiny little mouth gave the best baby kisses ever. What I wouldn't give to hold his sweet hand again and feel his soft, warm skin one more time. What I wouldn't do to have him look at me with his sweet blue eyes one more time. 

I spent the day reliving the past 2+ months. I couldn't help it, it just stayed in my mind all day long. I couldn't get it off my mind. That Wednesday in October, the terrifying feelings we had as we wondered if our baby boy was even going to make it through delivery. The scary information and overwhelming facts being thrown at us rapid fire about what was happening to me and my baby. The fear when they took me away from my family and Scott that Thursday to perform my Cesarean operation and I was all alone in an operating room full of people I didn't know. The fear of them telling me that I was too far for any pain medication so they would have to fully sedate me. Hearing Dr. Bodner say "as soon as she's out I'm cutting, we don't have time" sent me into a frightening panic attack but before I could do or say anything I had the mask over my face and after two breaths I was gone.  

I woke up about 20 minutes later as the nurses were removing my breathing tube. I felt like I was suffocating to be honest. I couldn't breathe! All I could think in that moment is - I am going to suffocate to death and never see my baby. I started having another panic attack. The realization of everything that had happened to me was beginning to set in. The nurses finally calmed me enough that I could breathe and they were letting me have dry ice chips. I was dehydrated and starving. I hadn't eaten since 4pm on Wednesday afternoon. I had to stay in recovery about 45 minutes total so I was also trying to come to fully from that sedation they gave me. Scott was standing beside the bed and he was telling me he loved me. So very much. So I held his hand and he cried. He told me how proud he was of me for staying strong during these last crazy hours. He squeezed my hand and I looked up at him. I asked him if Luke was ok. He said he is fine but he is very very tiny. Then my heart sank. I asked where he was. Scott said they took him immediately to the NICU but before they snapped a quick photo of him. I have it here for you. I wanted you to see him first thing. So Scott handed me a picture of Luke and his two perfect footprints and I cried at the sight of my sweet baby boy. He was perfect in every sense of the word. I didn't look at him and see a 1lb baby, I looked at him and saw perfection. His nose, his eyes, his lips, his arms and legs, hands and feet, fingers and toes, his eyelashes. Everything was perfect on him.

Twelve hours after my surgery I was able to see Luke for the first time. This would have been midnight on the 5th. Scott was asleep, as he should be after all we had been through. Neither one of us had slept since we checked into Northside at 9pm Wednesday night. I had an awesome nurse that night. She was the greatest I've ever had. She came in at midnight on the dot - it was time for my pain pills anyway - and asked me if I was ready. I looked at her and said "Nothing will keep me from seeing him now". Brought tears to my eyes because I had been waiting so long. I was so anxious because I didn't know what I was going in to either. So she helped me raise my bed, get my legs over the side and sit up straight for a minute. I had a lot of pressure so she clicked my morphine button twice and said we would click it again when we got to the nursery. I stood up, walked 5 steps, and sat down in the wheelchair. SUCCESS! She laid a blanket over my legs and we were off. Scott was up too and right behind us. 

I can't describe the level of emotion I reached when I saw Luke for the first time. He was just as beautiful as I had imagined. My love. My heart lying in his isolette. He was the tiniest but sweetest baby I had ever laid eyes on. And in that instant the love exceeded any expectation I had of it before all of this happened. Luke became my best friend in that minute. I loved him more that I loved myself. 

So that is how I was given Luke, It wasn't the best ticket in but it got him here nonetheless and the destination may not have been what we had hoped for but the ride there was an amazing one. Luke did so many things that I would be here forever recalling every single wink or kick that he did. Luke is mine and he always will be. I don't have him in the flesh but I have him in the spirit. His spirit is in my heart and soul. He is with me. 

When Luke was taken from us on November 11th, my world fell apart. My best friend was gone in an instant. All I could do was replay every minute and note all the things we would never get to do together. I held my poor Luke until he took his last breath and that almost killed me as well. I watched his eyes float away to the Heavens. I knew he was gone. But I couldn't let go. I cried. I cried. I cried. I yelled why, I screamed for help, I begged and pleaded for someone to save my son's life for me. Save it for me because I can't live without him. I tried to rub his back - I had seen nurses do that with the apnea prone preemies and they always came back. I tried placing him over my heart to see if that would stimulate his to beat again. Anything. I would have done anything. I would have put my own heart into him to save him from leaving this world. But he was gone. 

And now what's left? I miss him. I miss him every time I think about being pregnant. I miss him everytime I see a photo of my pregnant belly. I miss him when I look at the photos we have of him after birth. I miss him when I see commercials for pregnancy items or children's items. I miss him when I see a mother with her baby and they are cuddled up together. I miss him when the dogs do a funny trick because he is supposed to be here and his laughter is supposed to fill the room when they act funny. I just miss him period. 

“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” 
― E.E. Cummings

That Lonesome Song

Today I dreamed of Luke. It was so vivid. While I can't recall the events of the dream, I felt the hurt. I woke up half expecting him to be beside me. To comfort me. I just knew I had felt him in my arms. Dreams are so funny. So surreal. To have imagined the feel of his skin and wake up to an empty heart again hurt. Is this where I will find my solace from now on? In dreams? Is that how I am destined to live my life with Luke? Is that the only way I truly have him with me? 

I went back to work again today. And again I saw someone who I hadn't seen since I had Luke so unexpectedly. And again the hurt cut into me like a jagged knife. But I have to learn to live with this life. I have to understand that this is me now. For the remainder of my days on Earth I will be that woman. But I know I am not alone. So many women have to face daily life after a loss like this and I am no exception. I can either let this tragedy define me or I can live life again. And everyday I will fight to live life again. 

I have a birthday coming up. Even as I type this I roll my eyes. Another year. What do I have to show for it? I'm still in the same place as I was last year, only now I have lost a baby. My baby. My sweet son. I will be 28 years old and I laugh at the thought. I feel like I am 128. Should I be proud? Should I be grateful for the days I have lived in hell? Every day since October 4th I have experienced a new feeling in life. Some good, some excellent, some so terrible I wish it were a bad dream. But I wouldn't trade one of them. If I knew I would have the same outcome, if I knew I wouldn't be able to keep Luke with me either way, I wouldn't change a thing. 

One of Luke's nurses from Children's sent us a card Friday. A hand written card. She told us how upset she was to come in the Monday after Luke passed and not have him to care for anymore. She too lost a child. She shared her story with us and it brought me to tears. She was our favorite nurse and I suppose now we know why. The care she took with him. The loving hand she had with him. It makes perfect sense now. She took care of Luke like he was her own because she too experienced the pain that we were. She gave us her helpful advice and she showed that she still cares for us regardless of our outcome with Luke. That takes a special person. Not many people can say they have that. 

I want to share a memory of Luke that we had a couple of days before he passed. It was the second time Kathy, the loving nurse I speak of, worked with Luke. Luke's fluid retention was terrible and he was leaking fluid, as I already shared. She told us that she had given him a massage the last time she was with him to help move some of the fluid and he responded very well to it. She asked if we wanted to massage him. When Luke got sick with his tummy we couldn't have Kangaroo time with him anymore. He was too sick and the stimulation may have been to hard on him. Scott never got to have Kangaroo time with Luke. He actually hadn't gotten the opportunity to do much touch time with him at all since he wasn't at the hospital all day like I was. When Kathy offered to let us have this touch time with him my heart skipped a beat. As much as I longed to do it, my heart told me that this was Scott's opportunity. This was his time to have with Luke since he didn't get much before Luke got sick. After a couple of minutes of reassuring him that this was his moment to have, he massaged Luke for about 15 minutes. The response from Luke was amazing. He loved every second of it. His breathing improved, his heart rate evened out, his body temperature stabilized. It was amazing. And heartwarming. The father-son time Scott deserved was here and it was the best thing for both of them. I sat in the chair in awe of the experience. Kathy commented the entire time about how well Luke was doing with the stimulation. Then the sweetest thing happened. Luke smiled at his daddy. Recalling that memory brings tears to my eyes. It was long overdue. 

Kathy then told us she had to change the dressing on Luke's central line. He generally didn't do well with this. In fact it pissed him off. I chuckle to think of it. He didn't want to be bothered! He was feisty and didn't mind letting anyone know that. Since he had a breathing tube he couldn't have a pacifier to soothe him. So she dipped a q-tip in saline water and instructed me to insert it under his breathing tube and into his mouth. I did so and he loved it. He sucked on that q-tip the entire time. I talked to him. I told him that it was just a minor irritation and it would be over soon. He never got agitated. He just sucked on that q-tip and smiled. Our touch with him and hearing our voices was the most comforting thing to my sweet son. I will cherish these memories forever. 

Kathy mentioned these memories in her note to us. She remembered. She held these memories close to her heart just like we did. She told us that she would always be here for us no matter what and that she would always have a special place in her heart for Luke. I wonder, did she make bonds like this with other parents? Did she see something in us like we did in her? It's amazing to think of the people that situations like these bring into your life. If this had never happened with Luke, we would never know Kathy. We wouldn't know one of the sweetest people in this world. 

My sweet Aunt Joyce went to Heaven on Friday. Her body no longer wanted to fight. I think of her and wonder if she finally met Luke. I wonder if she's telling him stories of his mother when she was young. I wonder if she is comforting him and telling him that everything is ok. Death is strange. It is not prejudiced. It takes the young, the old, and all ages in between. I thought of my Aunt Joyce today. She loved butterflies. I used to love going to her house as a child because she had butterflies everywhere. While I was on my way home from work, Mariah Carey's song "Butterfly" came on the radio. While I know the meaning of the song is not about death, I couldn't help but interpret it as a sign of my Aunt Joyce. Her spirit is now in the happiest place imaginable and I hope she is in a garden full of butterflies. At peace and not suffering. And maybe she is showing Luke butterflies and sharing her love in the beauty of nature with my sweet son. 

"When you love someone so deeply
They become your life 
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside 
Blindly I imagined I could 
Keep you under glass 
Now I understand to hold you 
I must open up my hands 
And watch you rise 


Spread your wings and prepare to fly 
For you have become a butterfly 
Fly abandonedly into the sun 
If you should return to me 
We truly were meant to be 
So spread your wings and fly 
Butterfly 

I have learned that beauty 
Has to flourish in the light 
Wild horses run unbridled 
Or their spirit dies 
You have given me the courage 
To be all that I can 
And I truly feel your heart will 
Lead you back to me when you're 
Ready to land 


Spread your wings and prepare to fly 
For you have become a butterfly 
Fly abandonedly into the sun 
If you should return to me 
We truly were meant to be 
So spread your wings and fly 
Butterfly 

I can't pretend these tears 
Aren't over flowing steadily 
I can't prevent this hurt from 
Almost overtaking me 
But I will stand and say goodbye 
For you'll never be mine 
Until you know the way it feels to fly 


Spread your wings and prepare to fly 
For you have become a butterfly 
Fly abandonedly into the sun 
If you should return to me 
We truly were meant to be 
So spread your wings and fly 
Butterfly 


Spread your wings and prepare to fly 
For you have become a butterfly 
Fly abandonedly into the sun 
If you should return to me 
We truly were meant to be 
So spread your wings and fly 
Butterfly 

So flutter through the sky 
Butterfly 
Spread your wings and fly 
Butterfly"

It's My Life

I feel like blogging about my feelings on life that have changed since my experience with Luke, I have changed so much in the past 4 1/2 years that I hardly know the old me I used to be. 

First I never thought I would get married much less have children. That changed when I married Scott. I found my soul mate so of course I want to get married now! But my stance on children were still the same. I don't hate children, in fact I love them more than anything! I love my niece and nephews so much. I love all of my friend's children and our little cousins too. Babies and children, they are something truly special. But for me it just wasn't something I wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't made to be a mother. I felt I had no maternal instinct and to be completely honest I didn't feel like I could care for a child the way they needed to be taken care of. 

Of course all of that changed when I found out I was expecting Luke. This maternal switch flipped in my brain and body and I immediately understood the saying "You will feel different when you have one". I think that is why God blessed my with an unexpected pregnancy. He knew I could do it but also knew I would never actively try on my own. I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to get my hands on my sweet Bean. I thought about it day and night. I was excited beyond excited! 

I was loving every moment of my Bean moving around in my tummy. He was so active. I didn't however enjoy the morning sickness that lasted 16 weeks. Aye Carumba! So that was my main complaint. Oh that and the fact that Luke took residence on my bladder and I had to go to the potty every 30 minutes. Other than that I had a fabulous pregnancy considering it was so short lived. 

If you are pregnant and you are reading this please enjoy every moment. In the beginning of Luke's arrival that's one of the main things I grieved over. The loss of my pregnancy. It was a feeling I had never thought I could feel before. And I never wanted it to end. But it did and so shortly after I had really started realizing what an amazing journey I was starting. 

I guess that's another reason Luke was a blessing. Even though he lost his battle, he gave me a maternal side that I will have forever. Now I know I am capable of being a mother and having children. 

I don't know how I feel about having more children. The thought makes me sick. Not sick in a bad way just terrifies me to think this could happen again! No child deserves to have to go through what Luke did. It's not fair. And I would never be able to forgive myself if this happened to another baby. And it's a possibility. Because now I am considered High-Risk because of my incompetent cervix (don't you love that term? your cervix is incompetent at sustaining life). 

Today was a bad day. I went to work again for the first time and I just lost it. Someone said something to me about how great I look after having a baby and it broke my heart. So my first day back lasted 4 minutes. So I am going to try again Monday morning. I know it's going to be a process. A tricky one. I know that I am going to have bad days but I don't want to get in the habit of running away from real life. I am going to have to face the crowd eventually. And I couldn't love my job any more that I do. I work for the best company and I have the best management and co-workers anyone could ask for. I just know I will have this stigma for the rest of my life so I am going to have to learn how to live with it. You know that stigma - oh her baby died. I don't want that to define me. But people who haven't been through this type of loss don't understand - and that is not their fault. Until it happened to me I had never known anyone to lose their baby so I can't say how I would have handled that either. It's like there is a fine line but no one knows what that line is. 

I also had some bad news about my great Aunt Joyce. She had a massive stroke Wednesday night and she's too far gone to be saved. This hurts so bad. After everything to happen with Luke and now we have to watch another loved one suffer and die too. Death is quite a conundrum. How it comes into your life and changes it forever. How it takes lives, some so quickly, others suffer so greatly. I'm very close to my Aunt Joyce and this just breaks my heart. 

Please take a moment to say a prayer for Aunt Joyce and her family as they have to make these hard decisions and watch their loved one suffer. 

Thank you for checking in and reading my thoughts for the day. 

"In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here,
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here."

Oh Light, What Light

Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking of blessings. What is a blessing really? Some people may say a blessing is winning the lottery. Others may feel a blessing is getting the home you want that you can afford. Some people may even think that blessings can only be good things that happen to you because a blessing has to be a positive experience, right? Right?

Well I want to talk about my blessings. I have many. But the blessings I will share aren't necessarily "happy" moments in my life. But until recently I realized they are blessings. 

My favorite blessing is Luke. But the way Luke had to be brought into this world didn't feel like a blessing to me at the time. Hearing a doctor tell you that you are in active labor and that your baby will not progress past his 24 week mark was scary enough. But then being told a laundry list of all the problems he could have as a result of his early entry into the world is even more heartbreaking. So imagine a full day before this happens you are a healthy pregnant woman who is just entering her 6th month of pregnancy. Then be told your baby has to be born now and he could have life long problems if he even lives to his due date. That does not sound like a blessing. It sure didn't feel like one. But when I woke up in recovery and Scott showed me a picture of my sweet Luke I knew immediately he was a blessing. But I didn't realize how much of a blessing he would really turn out to be for my life. 

I spent 38 days recovering from the shock of actually giving birth prematurely, not having the remaining 3 months nurturing my baby on the inside, recovering from my Cesarean Section Operation, and recovering from the speediest pregnancy I think imaginable. I spent 38 days trying to heal myself emotionally from the hardships I was faced with. I spent 38 days by the side of my tiny little miracle hoping and praying that the days would keep coming and the news would continue to get better. 

I despised pumping. I knew I had to do it for Bean, but boy did I despise it. Here I am sitting on the couch in my living room, hooked up to a milking machine (let's face it - that's what it is!) and being pumped dry by these suction cups while they squeeze out 4 ounces of milk. So the pumping took 20 minutes each time and I was pumping every 3 hours. But the one day I did attempt to pump my well had run dry. Yes that's right. NO MORE MILK. Are you kidding me? Now what is Luke going to eat when he is able to?! Now I am feeling like a failure again for him. I failed to keep him safe in the womb for another 3 months and now I have failed trying to pump milk for him. Why does my body think it's ok to half-ass its duty!!! 

I spent 38 days living in a hospital with my son who was trending in the wrong direction. Every day I sat beside him for hours upon hours and I would read, sing to him, change his diaper, hold his hand. wash his hair, hold him when I was allowed to do so and mostly I sat in a chair and stared at my baby through his isolete. Would you call that a blessing? Some people may say that all of these things are blessings, but they are more like exhausting emotionally and running on fumes you didn't know you had. So at that time during my life I would have said these aren't blessings, these are the crappy hand we got dealt in life. 

Luke is my blessing because throughout all of the pain, the anger, the sadness, the terror, the sleepless nights, the brady episodes, the heart valve issues, the kidney issues and his fluid retention I knew I was a mother to Luke and I was the best Mommy that I could be to him in the situation he was in. 

Luke is my blessing because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today. And I love myself more now than I have in my entire life. And I can only thank Luke for that. The blessing in disguise was that I had to endure these hardships now but that I am a stronger woman than I have ever been in my entire life. And I understand life better now. What really matters in life. And it isn't a majority of the things I thought were Pre-Luke. 

Luke was a blessing sent to us so that we could have him with us for only a short amount of time. And in that short amount of time I saw my Light. I saw my BIG PICTURE. I know who I am now because of Luke. Because if I were the woman I was before Luke, now, I would be up the creek without a paddle. I wouldn't have been able to be doing as well as I am. 

But my good times only last so long. I still have hard days and I know that they will be there for a while. Thanksgiving was terrible. Not because of family or food. It was terrible because all I wanted was Luke there with me. I don't even want to imagine how Christmas will be. Then to have to be strong on his due date in January, I already know it will hurt deeper than the holiday hurt. 

My Light came from Luke. Everyone has a light inside of them. Some never know it's there because they don't get the opportunity to turn theirs on. I finally turned my light on for Luke. He brought it out of me. And that is how I know that everything we went through with Luke was a blessing because now I am strong enough to make it through anything. Luke helped me find my light and taught me how to use it. 

“It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

What Can You Do?

So I have had a lot of time to think about things over the past couple days and there is so much I want to say. So much I want to put out there. Luke lost his battle to prematurity. That was his story. When Luke came into this world 12 weeks early the nurse said every baby has their own story. Luke's story is simple. 

Luke came into this world a wee bit early but he came nonetheless. We knew the statistics. We knew Caucasian males born during the gestational period of 24 weeks were the least likely to survive. But we had hope. And we clung to that hope for the full 38 days Luke fought to be part of this world. And fight he did. Must be the fighting Irish in him from his Daddy. My little man did things he wasn't supposed to be doing. His body was fighting so hard to work that it gave up. It couldn't do it anymore. I don't think Luke gave up. I feel his spirit around sometimes. He had a mighty spirit and spunk about himself. Luke as a person did not stop fighting. But his heart did. And we take that as a sign that it was tired of fighting and saving us from issues that we would have been really upset about. Luke Randall Malone changed my life forever and I know he changed his Daddy's too. I will never look at another thing in this life the same again. I will never take things for granted again. I will enjoy every minute I have to do so. And I will be HAPPY about it. 

I got started on the March of Dimes website reaching out to other women who have been in our shoes. Wow. Talk about seeing the forest after the trees. The big picture finally clicked. Some women don't have the outcome we had. Some women suffer from miscarriages every time they are expecting. Some women have babies that are born still. Some women only get to spend a minute, an hour, a day with their children before they pass. Some women have to make the decision to take their child off of life support. Some women can't have children. Those women will never know what it is like to carry a child. Those women will never be able to know that they have a baby inside of them growing with their help. Some women lose one of twins. Some women take their children home and they pass at home. There are a million stories you could tell. A million different outcomes. But one thing in common. The pain you endure after a loss like that. It stays with you forever. 

This is why I say getting involved with March of Dimes is so big - these folks are trying to save our babies! These advocates, these volunteers, these fundraisers, they are the ones working so hard to raise awareness so babies don't have to be born premature and possibly lose their life because of it. Or have life long birth defects that will forever play a major role in their life. Please donate. PLEASE. Even if it's only a dollar - it's a dollar that will be spent saving another family from going what we had to. And saving another baby's life. 

I know I love my sweet Luke and this is what he taught me in the 38 days he was here. How to love unconditionally. How to lose everything unexpectedly. And how to help others who shouldn't have to go through it either. Every baby in a NICU around the world is fighting. These babies families are praying and hanging on to that hope that their child won't be a statistic. And with the help of March of Dimes one day we may get there. We may be able to save every child that is born. 

The other day I was dressing and I saw my c-section scar. It made me think. I went through child birth and all I got was this stupid scar?! I will have that mark forever but I could only keep my son for 38 days. Seems so crazy to think of it. So unfair. But life isn't a guarantee. Anything could happen. We have to learn how to live together and be happy. Luke definitely taught me that. 

I am having okay days. Some days are harder than others. Most days are hard. Sometimes I dream of him. Vivid dreams. Dreams about rocking him to sleep and watching him close his eyes. Some dreams are of us cuddling together in my hospital bed after he was born instead of him being whisked away to the NICU. Other dreams are of me losing him. Looking all over the house for him and I can't find him. Some dreams he's smiling and laughing at me. Sometimes it's just a simple dream of me holding him for hours and looking into his beautiful eyes. He was the most precious and beautiful baby I have ever seen. And I will love him forever. I will wake up with him and go to sleep with him in my mind. And since that is all I can do it is good enough for me. My memories will be with me forever. They don't take the place of him actually being here and making more memories. But they do satisfy my maternal need. When I feel sad that he's not here, I watch the video of me holding him for the first time. When I feel sad that I can't touch him, I think of our Kangaroo sessions with the heart to heart skin on skin. I think of the way he snuggled up so close to my heart and rubbed his fingers over it. When I am sad that I can't see him, I look at pictures of his eyes and I stare for hours. He's still here. His spirit is in my heart where it belongs. And I am so very thankful that in the 38 days he fought to stay here he gave me those memories because he most certainly didn't have to. And even though I never got to hear him cry I did get to feel his hand in mine and that's almost enough for me. 

"Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~Nicholas Evans

Weep Not for the Memory

The past week and a half has been nothing short of heartbreaking but slowly I am learning to breathe again. 

First and always foremost:

Scott and I want to thank from the wholes of our hearts every single                   nurse, doctor, respiratory therapist and person at both Northside Hospital and Children's Healthcare of Atlanta at Scottish Rite. We never met a hand that we didn't shake or a smile we didn't receive. Luke had the best care possible for a premature baby born so early and underdeveloped. Luke MADE it 5 weeks with the help of everyone, he most certainly didn't have to. He could have gave out 3 weeks prior in surgery, but he didn't. Luke progressed as well as he did because of the staff at these two hospitals. And Scott and I will forever be indebted to them for doing all they could to keep our baby alive for us. 

The week before Luke passed, November 5-9th, were rough days. His fluid was so bad that it had began to ooze out of his skin. Not like sweat, he was literally oozing fluid. His poor tiny body couldn't filter it. He wasn't urinating at all. His catheter was bone dry. Which meant he was neither producing urine and his kidneys weren't filtering the waste anyway. Towards the end of week Luke was paired with Dr. Sysyn. The best neonatologist there. 

Dr. Sysyn was going to get Luke going. Luke had been on the blood pressure medicine Dopamine at it's highest dosage you could take so they implemented another blood pressure medicine Epinephrine at a low dos to try and jump start his kidneys. Luke stayed on this combination for 2 days. He was urinating like he was a grown man!He even tt'd so fast and much he shot his own foley out. Uh-oh spunky Luke was rearing his precious head. Daddy and I were so happy with the news.

Sunday morning (11th) the doctor called and said that they would be changing some of his nutrition around to try and help his body rid this fluid and keep the urine output so high. That call came in at 9am. By 10 am the doctor called again and we were leaving breakfast on the way to the hospital. He said Luke crashed on them but they were able to revive him for the time being. Scott told the doctor that we were on the exit and would be there in 10 minutes time. The doctor seemed fine with this. 

What we walked into in that NICU at 10:15 am almost made me faint. I had to grab on to Scott for support. My baby was laying with all of the sides down on his isolete and the top up with so many bright lights in his face. The respiratory therapist came running around and pulled us to the front. They were trying to keep him alive. They had the medicine at the highest it could go, they were bagging him for manual breaths and they were doing chest compressions on him. He had about 20 nurses trying to save his life. 20 people trying to keep my baby here long enough for me to see him. They had him up but not for long. I knew it was over when the neonatologist looked me straight in my eyes and said "Now is the time to hold your baby so he can be comforted on his way out". I died a million deaths in that very instant. His tiny precious heart had give out. It no longer wanted to fight to live and there was nothing they could do for that. Heart transplants just don't exist for babies.

They pulled a chair up for me and handed my sweet baby Luke to me to hold. He looked at me. There wasn't much fight in his eyes left but he looked at me. And I held my dying baby over my heart and died with him in that very instant. My sweet boy took too large a piece of my heart to ever be replaced. 

I sat there hoping that my heart to heart with him would bring him back. I rubbed his back. I sang him a song. I read what I could remember of Harry Potter. I told him that he was supposed to come home with Mommy and Daddy and meet all the animals that already love him so much. I told him he was supposed to learn a sport and play guitar or drums. I told him he was supposed to fall in love with his soul-mate and start his own miracle family like we did. There was so much Luke was supposed to do and it has been ripped away from us like a bad scene in a movie. 

I held Luke for the rest of the afternoon. From 10:15am to 4pm I held my baby. I kissed him. I loved on him. I smelled him. I felt him from head to toe. My sweet nurse let me bathe him. We had our very first bath time together and we dressed in real clothes. Michele the nurse swaddled him very nice for me and I held him more. I kissed his sweet face. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop kissing that sweet babies nose and cheeks. Michele helped me make hand and footprints for our memory box and helped me make a clay footprint. Michele never left my side. She let me do everything I wanted with him. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She handled us with such delicate hands. 

I had heart to heart with Luke the last time before she took him away from me. I just kept forcing my heart to bring him back. I just kept trying so hard to have him come alive and me leave. I would gladly lay where he's lying now. I kissed him and kissed him. I tried to give him a lifetime of kisses. Michele rubbed a piece of cloth over my heart and Scott's heart and placed it on Luke's heart to have there forever. That is what I wanted.

Monday was a blur. I am so thankful for Scott, Brad, Mollie, My Mama, and Scott's parents for helping me plan Luke's funeral. I wanted only the most beautiful things for my sweet child. I wanted him to be comfortable. I brought a bag from home with special items that I wanted Luke to be with in his final resting place. We planned the funeral. I told my pastor the only verse I wanted to hear most of all was Luke 18:16-17:

       "But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

He said he would be honored to speak that verse for Luke. Luke's name came from my favorite book of the Bible and because it was the only name Daddy and I could come up with together. LOL! Heaven now has a new Saint Luke and he's the most beautiful baby Luke to be seen. I left the bag with the funeral home and they said they would dress him and place him by my request for the service Tuesday morning. 

Tuesday morning we went to Eatonton where the service was held. Pastor Chris Webb is the most amazing pastor I know. I couldn't have made it without his guidance. He had been to see Luke when he had his surgery and prayed for him then. He was also with us on Sunday when Luke passed. I have never had a more caring group of people outside of our family that were with us Sunday. Children's chaplaincy was there, Michele (Luke's sweet nurse), and Pastor Webb. 

When we got to the church for the service, Jeff Wages from the funeral home allowed us to have a private moment with Luke before they closed his casket. Everyone put a memory in the casket with Luke for him to have in his new "home". 

- Mommy and Daddy wrote him letters telling him how much we love him. 

- Mommy and Daddy put a picture of us in the top of his casket so he can be with us when we go to the races. 

- Uncle Brad put in a GT hat he bought for him. 

- Meme Mary put in a blanket she bought for him.

- Nana Nell put in a baby blue cross bracelet she wore from the time he was born to his departure.

- Mommy put in a bracelet I wore when he got sick given to me by a sweet cousin, Kim.

- Papa Butch put his deer pocket watch (The one I gave him many years ago for Christmas) that meant so much to him. 

- We wrapped him in a blanket we got when he was born. The most beautiful blanket I have ever seen. Mrs. Rhonda at the Springleaf in Milledgeville gave it to us. It was blue with patches of bible verses all over. 

- He wore a sleeper that his cousin Kelly gave him that had "Our Little Prince" on the bottom of it.

- We put a crocheted hat on him that someone at Northside hospital made for him. 

- Mommy and Daddy also put his guardian Beagle in there with him so he wouldn't have to be alone. 

Everyone left the room and Jeff let us hold Luke one more time. I just kissed him and kissed him and told him that for the rest of my life nothing would be more special to me than his sweet kisses. I told him that he would always be my baby Luke and nothing will ever change that. Daddy held him and did the same. We gave him back and he was closed for the last time. 

Luke was the most amazing person I have ever met because within minutes of seeing his precious face I fell so deep in love with him. Holding him for the first time I fell even harder. He has taught me so much about life and how it should be lived. He has changed me because I want him to be proud of his Mommy and Daddy. So when another boy in Heaven asks him which parents are his he can point out Scott and I with love and respect and say those two are my Mommy and Daddy. 

At the graveside we asked the pastor to play a song before prayer. When Luke was born early we spent those 5 weeks trying to pick out a song to bring Luke home to for the first time. We wanted the perfect song for him to hear for the first time ever. So we picked God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. We picked this because God only knows what we would be without him. When he passed so suddenly I told Scott we should still play his song for him. He is going home, not our home, but one so much better where he doesn't have to live in suffering. 

The support my family and I received from everyone from Sunday to Tuesday was amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for coming to help us celebrate sweet Luke's precious life. We are so thankful for everything - cards, hugs, kisses, food, companionship, calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts, etc. We really appreciate the encouragement and support. 

Scott and Melissa 

Blue

Today has been a really ugly day for me. I am feeling hopeless, sad, angry and envious. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I've felt down in the dumps since I got up this morning. I feel hopeless because Luke's swelling is getting worse and earlier today he was not producing urine at all. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be, but I just can't help feeling we will never get there. I have hated everything today. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope and I am nowhere near this nightmare being over. 

I am so sad because when I look at my poor baby lying there hooked up to all those machines that are keeping him alive I can't help but be sad. It's so overwhelming. Another reason I feel hopeless. I feel like there will not be an end to his life on machines. And it's hard to not be sad about everything. It's hard not to feel hopeless or like this will never end. 

I am angry because he has to be put in this situation. I don't care about me or anyone else, I care about that sweet innocent baby and all of the suffering he is having to endure. It infuriates me that I can't do anything to take the pain away. It infuriates me to be so helpless. I am angry because since he got sick and had to have surgery he hasn't been my baby. He's not my feisty, spunky, cuddly, loving baby he was two weeks ago. Now it's a good day if he even opens his eyes and moves his arms and legs. He was doing so well two days ago with his movement and now it's back to nothing. He didn't move at all today. I suppose the swelling is making it hard for him to move. It's so hard to sit there day by day, hour by hour and watch him just lie there. 

I am jealous and envious of two things. Last Thursday I had a doctor's appointment with the OBGYN who delivered Luke for my post op follow up. I was literally the only woman in the room not pregnant. It hurt my feelings so bad. I cried to myself in the waiting room. I grieved my pregnancy. I miss being pregnant. I miss the feeling it gave me. I was so happy with my sweet baby Bean inside me growing away. I miss laying my hands on my tummy and feeling him move. Now I have to watch him through an isolet and I can't touch him unless the nurse says it's ok.I am also jealous of some of the other NICU moms and their progression with their children. The baby next to Luke can sit up in his isolet with his stuffed animals. His Mommy can hold him. she comes in after work each day and scoops him right up and rocks with him for hours. I long for that. I crave it like nothing else in this world. I want to hold my baby so bad it hurts. Every time he gets his heel pricked for his blood gases and he gets so irritated I just want to hold him close and comfort him. I want to hold him close to my heart and never let go. The mothering instinct in me is not being satisfied and it is almost driving me crazy. I want to protect him from all of this and I can't. 

Luke's swelling has gotten significantly worse. He just continues to retain fluid. The fluid seems to absorb into the tissues causing the swelling effect. The problem is the fluid needs to stay in his veins so it can be moved through urine instead. And honestly all of this is so far over my head that I can't even begin to explain the process that needs to happen in order to achieve this. But basically because he is one one type of medicine for his blood pressure, he can't take the desired medicine they use to try and start moving that extra fluid. So they have to try a couple of different methods but hopefully he will start getting rid of this fluid and making urine. Poor thing. He just really can't get situated. So prayers are more than appreciated for Luke and his issues lately. Positives are his tube from his tummy is running clear and his stoma's are producing so that means he can start his feeds when this swelling is controlled. 

I find myself being incredibly thankful for all of the friends and family that have encouraged us through this difficult time in our life today. I know this seems like a blanket statement to make but honestly if it weren't for all the things that have been done for us then I don't know where we would be right now. Here are the specific things we are thankful for: cards, gifts for Luke, prayers for Luke, stories shared about preemies that made it with a normal life, food, love donations, keeping us company when we need a minute away, calls, texts, messages of encouragement and most of all the love and support shown to us by so many people. It humbles me deeply. Thank you everyone honestly thank you. 

My Most Precious Gift

Luke turned one month old today!! While this has been the quickest month ever it has also been the longest! I feel like it's been a million years since Luke was born. I have felt more alive than ever since becoming a mother but I have also died a thousand deaths as well. I have changed so much since Mr. Luke made his arrival into this world. It's almost hard to recognize the person I am now and who I used to be as the same person. Things I thought were so important seem so insignificant and petty now. I feel I have changed for the better. I never thought a 1lb 10 1/2 oz baby would have such an impact on me. But he has and it has definitely been a positive one. I now know what I was put on this earth to do. I know I was meant to be given this special child under these undesirable circumstances so that I can live life the best way possible and attempt to show others that life is so precious and it's definitely too short to live unhappy. 

Luke had a good day today! He's pretty much the same with everything, which is good! Like I said before we like to have uneventful days. His swelling is still a little much but we are hoping he can move it himself. Other than that he's doing well with his labs, his stats and his vent settings. His tube ran clearer today as well so that is good! Once the tube runs clear from his tummy then his stoma's will start producing and he can eat again. I can't wait for that! But I am taking it day by day. 

Today I am thankful for three dates in my life that led me to where I am today. June 6th, 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. September 21st, 2012 I found out I was having a boy Bean. October 4th, 2012 Luke Randall Malone came into this world with a big BANG. And because of these dates I have the most important person I have ever known in my life to call me Mommy. Luke is the absolute love of my life. I can't get enough of him. I love holding his extra tiny hands, I love watching him snuggle in his bed, I love when he opens his eyes the moment he hears me talk, I love to read him stories and watch him doze off to imagination land and most of all I love the fact that he is my son, all mine and I just can't wait to snuggle and cuddle him for the rest of my life (or until he decides it's not cool to be seen with your Mama). I love Luke like I have never loved anyone or anything in my life. 

Today while I was watching Luke sleep in his nice comfy bed I daydreamed of all the things I can't wait to experience with him. I can't wait until he smiles his first smile at me, says his first word, takes his first steps and so much more! I can't wait for him to go to school and learn things and become fascinated with education. I can't wait for him to fall in love with someone and make lifelong friends. I can't wait for him to drive a car and figure out what his passions are in life. I just really look forward to finding out who this little person is day by day for the rest of my life. 

I am feeling better also. I had my follow up doctor's appointment with the OBGYN that delivered Luke and he really put things in perspective for me. He said all of my labwork was normal and my placenta was normal as well. So now it is time to face the fact that there will never be a reason for this happening. It just happened. Most likely I have an incompetent cervix and I can get a cerclage (stitch the cervix together after 12 weeks) if I decide to have anymore children. So knowing that I finally started to accept that there will never be a reason to blame this happening on. 

I am living my life day by day and hour by hour when it gets really rough. But everyone's prayers and encouragement and support help me get through each day regardless. And I sincerely thank each person who is taking their time to think of my family during this time. The upcoming holidays are going to be hard on us because this is definitely not how we imagined Luke's first Christmas. But we will get there if everyone continues to encourage us. 

Thank you again! 
Scott, Melissa and Luke Malone. :)