It's My Life

I feel like blogging about my feelings on life that have changed since my experience with Luke, I have changed so much in the past 4 1/2 years that I hardly know the old me I used to be. 

First I never thought I would get married much less have children. That changed when I married Scott. I found my soul mate so of course I want to get married now! But my stance on children were still the same. I don't hate children, in fact I love them more than anything! I love my niece and nephews so much. I love all of my friend's children and our little cousins too. Babies and children, they are something truly special. But for me it just wasn't something I wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't made to be a mother. I felt I had no maternal instinct and to be completely honest I didn't feel like I could care for a child the way they needed to be taken care of. 

Of course all of that changed when I found out I was expecting Luke. This maternal switch flipped in my brain and body and I immediately understood the saying "You will feel different when you have one". I think that is why God blessed my with an unexpected pregnancy. He knew I could do it but also knew I would never actively try on my own. I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to get my hands on my sweet Bean. I thought about it day and night. I was excited beyond excited! 

I was loving every moment of my Bean moving around in my tummy. He was so active. I didn't however enjoy the morning sickness that lasted 16 weeks. Aye Carumba! So that was my main complaint. Oh that and the fact that Luke took residence on my bladder and I had to go to the potty every 30 minutes. Other than that I had a fabulous pregnancy considering it was so short lived. 

If you are pregnant and you are reading this please enjoy every moment. In the beginning of Luke's arrival that's one of the main things I grieved over. The loss of my pregnancy. It was a feeling I had never thought I could feel before. And I never wanted it to end. But it did and so shortly after I had really started realizing what an amazing journey I was starting. 

I guess that's another reason Luke was a blessing. Even though he lost his battle, he gave me a maternal side that I will have forever. Now I know I am capable of being a mother and having children. 

I don't know how I feel about having more children. The thought makes me sick. Not sick in a bad way just terrifies me to think this could happen again! No child deserves to have to go through what Luke did. It's not fair. And I would never be able to forgive myself if this happened to another baby. And it's a possibility. Because now I am considered High-Risk because of my incompetent cervix (don't you love that term? your cervix is incompetent at sustaining life). 

Today was a bad day. I went to work again for the first time and I just lost it. Someone said something to me about how great I look after having a baby and it broke my heart. So my first day back lasted 4 minutes. So I am going to try again Monday morning. I know it's going to be a process. A tricky one. I know that I am going to have bad days but I don't want to get in the habit of running away from real life. I am going to have to face the crowd eventually. And I couldn't love my job any more that I do. I work for the best company and I have the best management and co-workers anyone could ask for. I just know I will have this stigma for the rest of my life so I am going to have to learn how to live with it. You know that stigma - oh her baby died. I don't want that to define me. But people who haven't been through this type of loss don't understand - and that is not their fault. Until it happened to me I had never known anyone to lose their baby so I can't say how I would have handled that either. It's like there is a fine line but no one knows what that line is. 

I also had some bad news about my great Aunt Joyce. She had a massive stroke Wednesday night and she's too far gone to be saved. This hurts so bad. After everything to happen with Luke and now we have to watch another loved one suffer and die too. Death is quite a conundrum. How it comes into your life and changes it forever. How it takes lives, some so quickly, others suffer so greatly. I'm very close to my Aunt Joyce and this just breaks my heart. 

Please take a moment to say a prayer for Aunt Joyce and her family as they have to make these hard decisions and watch their loved one suffer. 

Thank you for checking in and reading my thoughts for the day. 

"In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here,
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here."