Luke came into this world a wee bit early but he came nonetheless. We knew the statistics. We knew Caucasian males born during the gestational period of 24 weeks were the least likely to survive. But we had hope. And we clung to that hope for the full 38 days Luke fought to be part of this world. And fight he did. Must be the fighting Irish in him from his Daddy. My little man did things he wasn't supposed to be doing. His body was fighting so hard to work that it gave up. It couldn't do it anymore. I don't think Luke gave up. I feel his spirit around sometimes. He had a mighty spirit and spunk about himself. Luke as a person did not stop fighting. But his heart did. And we take that as a sign that it was tired of fighting and saving us from issues that we would have been really upset about. Luke Randall Malone changed my life forever and I know he changed his Daddy's too. I will never look at another thing in this life the same again. I will never take things for granted again. I will enjoy every minute I have to do so. And I will be HAPPY about it.
I got started on the March of Dimes website reaching out to other women who have been in our shoes. Wow. Talk about seeing the forest after the trees. The big picture finally clicked. Some women don't have the outcome we had. Some women suffer from miscarriages every time they are expecting. Some women have babies that are born still. Some women only get to spend a minute, an hour, a day with their children before they pass. Some women have to make the decision to take their child off of life support. Some women can't have children. Those women will never know what it is like to carry a child. Those women will never be able to know that they have a baby inside of them growing with their help. Some women lose one of twins. Some women take their children home and they pass at home. There are a million stories you could tell. A million different outcomes. But one thing in common. The pain you endure after a loss like that. It stays with you forever.
This is why I say getting involved with March of Dimes is so big - these folks are trying to save our babies! These advocates, these volunteers, these fundraisers, they are the ones working so hard to raise awareness so babies don't have to be born premature and possibly lose their life because of it. Or have life long birth defects that will forever play a major role in their life. Please donate. PLEASE. Even if it's only a dollar - it's a dollar that will be spent saving another family from going what we had to. And saving another baby's life.
I know I love my sweet Luke and this is what he taught me in the 38 days he was here. How to love unconditionally. How to lose everything unexpectedly. And how to help others who shouldn't have to go through it either. Every baby in a NICU around the world is fighting. These babies families are praying and hanging on to that hope that their child won't be a statistic. And with the help of March of Dimes one day we may get there. We may be able to save every child that is born.
The other day I was dressing and I saw my c-section scar. It made me think. I went through child birth and all I got was this stupid scar?! I will have that mark forever but I could only keep my son for 38 days. Seems so crazy to think of it. So unfair. But life isn't a guarantee. Anything could happen. We have to learn how to live together and be happy. Luke definitely taught me that.
I am having okay days. Some days are harder than others. Most days are hard. Sometimes I dream of him. Vivid dreams. Dreams about rocking him to sleep and watching him close his eyes. Some dreams are of us cuddling together in my hospital bed after he was born instead of him being whisked away to the NICU. Other dreams are of me losing him. Looking all over the house for him and I can't find him. Some dreams he's smiling and laughing at me. Sometimes it's just a simple dream of me holding him for hours and looking into his beautiful eyes. He was the most precious and beautiful baby I have ever seen. And I will love him forever. I will wake up with him and go to sleep with him in my mind. And since that is all I can do it is good enough for me. My memories will be with me forever. They don't take the place of him actually being here and making more memories. But they do satisfy my maternal need. When I feel sad that he's not here, I watch the video of me holding him for the first time. When I feel sad that I can't touch him, I think of our Kangaroo sessions with the heart to heart skin on skin. I think of the way he snuggled up so close to my heart and rubbed his fingers over it. When I am sad that I can't see him, I look at pictures of his eyes and I stare for hours. He's still here. His spirit is in my heart where it belongs. And I am so very thankful that in the 38 days he fought to stay here he gave me those memories because he most certainly didn't have to. And even though I never got to hear him cry I did get to feel his hand in mine and that's almost enough for me.
"Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~Nicholas Evans
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~Nicholas Evans
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