I feel like blogging about my feelings on life that have changed since my experience with Luke, I have changed so much in the past 4 1/2 years that I hardly know the old me I used to be.
First I never thought I would get married much less have children. That changed when I married Scott. I found my soul mate so of course I want to get married now! But my stance on children were still the same. I don't hate children, in fact I love them more than anything! I love my niece and nephews so much. I love all of my friend's children and our little cousins too. Babies and children, they are something truly special. But for me it just wasn't something I wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't made to be a mother. I felt I had no maternal instinct and to be completely honest I didn't feel like I could care for a child the way they needed to be taken care of.
Of course all of that changed when I found out I was expecting Luke. This maternal switch flipped in my brain and body and I immediately understood the saying "You will feel different when you have one". I think that is why God blessed my with an unexpected pregnancy. He knew I could do it but also knew I would never actively try on my own. I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to get my hands on my sweet Bean. I thought about it day and night. I was excited beyond excited!
I was loving every moment of my Bean moving around in my tummy. He was so active. I didn't however enjoy the morning sickness that lasted 16 weeks. Aye Carumba! So that was my main complaint. Oh that and the fact that Luke took residence on my bladder and I had to go to the potty every 30 minutes. Other than that I had a fabulous pregnancy considering it was so short lived.
If you are pregnant and you are reading this please enjoy every moment. In the beginning of Luke's arrival that's one of the main things I grieved over. The loss of my pregnancy. It was a feeling I had never thought I could feel before. And I never wanted it to end. But it did and so shortly after I had really started realizing what an amazing journey I was starting.
I guess that's another reason Luke was a blessing. Even though he lost his battle, he gave me a maternal side that I will have forever. Now I know I am capable of being a mother and having children.
I don't know how I feel about having more children. The thought makes me sick. Not sick in a bad way just terrifies me to think this could happen again! No child deserves to have to go through what Luke did. It's not fair. And I would never be able to forgive myself if this happened to another baby. And it's a possibility. Because now I am considered High-Risk because of my incompetent cervix (don't you love that term? your cervix is incompetent at sustaining life).
Today was a bad day. I went to work again for the first time and I just lost it. Someone said something to me about how great I look after having a baby and it broke my heart. So my first day back lasted 4 minutes. So I am going to try again Monday morning. I know it's going to be a process. A tricky one. I know that I am going to have bad days but I don't want to get in the habit of running away from real life. I am going to have to face the crowd eventually. And I couldn't love my job any more that I do. I work for the best company and I have the best management and co-workers anyone could ask for. I just know I will have this stigma for the rest of my life so I am going to have to learn how to live with it. You know that stigma - oh her baby died. I don't want that to define me. But people who haven't been through this type of loss don't understand - and that is not their fault. Until it happened to me I had never known anyone to lose their baby so I can't say how I would have handled that either. It's like there is a fine line but no one knows what that line is.
I also had some bad news about my great Aunt Joyce. She had a massive stroke Wednesday night and she's too far gone to be saved. This hurts so bad. After everything to happen with Luke and now we have to watch another loved one suffer and die too. Death is quite a conundrum. How it comes into your life and changes it forever. How it takes lives, some so quickly, others suffer so greatly. I'm very close to my Aunt Joyce and this just breaks my heart.
Please take a moment to say a prayer for Aunt Joyce and her family as they have to make these hard decisions and watch their loved one suffer.
Thank you for checking in and reading my thoughts for the day.
"In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here,
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here."
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Oh Light, What Light
Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking of blessings. What is a blessing really? Some people may say a blessing is winning the lottery. Others may feel a blessing is getting the home you want that you can afford. Some people may even think that blessings can only be good things that happen to you because a blessing has to be a positive experience, right? Right?
Well I want to talk about my blessings. I have many. But the blessings I will share aren't necessarily "happy" moments in my life. But until recently I realized they are blessings.
My favorite blessing is Luke. But the way Luke had to be brought into this world didn't feel like a blessing to me at the time. Hearing a doctor tell you that you are in active labor and that your baby will not progress past his 24 week mark was scary enough. But then being told a laundry list of all the problems he could have as a result of his early entry into the world is even more heartbreaking. So imagine a full day before this happens you are a healthy pregnant woman who is just entering her 6th month of pregnancy. Then be told your baby has to be born now and he could have life long problems if he even lives to his due date. That does not sound like a blessing. It sure didn't feel like one. But when I woke up in recovery and Scott showed me a picture of my sweet Luke I knew immediately he was a blessing. But I didn't realize how much of a blessing he would really turn out to be for my life.
I spent 38 days recovering from the shock of actually giving birth prematurely, not having the remaining 3 months nurturing my baby on the inside, recovering from my Cesarean Section Operation, and recovering from the speediest pregnancy I think imaginable. I spent 38 days trying to heal myself emotionally from the hardships I was faced with. I spent 38 days by the side of my tiny little miracle hoping and praying that the days would keep coming and the news would continue to get better.
I despised pumping. I knew I had to do it for Bean, but boy did I despise it. Here I am sitting on the couch in my living room, hooked up to a milking machine (let's face it - that's what it is!) and being pumped dry by these suction cups while they squeeze out 4 ounces of milk. So the pumping took 20 minutes each time and I was pumping every 3 hours. But the one day I did attempt to pump my well had run dry. Yes that's right. NO MORE MILK. Are you kidding me? Now what is Luke going to eat when he is able to?! Now I am feeling like a failure again for him. I failed to keep him safe in the womb for another 3 months and now I have failed trying to pump milk for him. Why does my body think it's ok to half-ass its duty!!!
I spent 38 days living in a hospital with my son who was trending in the wrong direction. Every day I sat beside him for hours upon hours and I would read, sing to him, change his diaper, hold his hand. wash his hair, hold him when I was allowed to do so and mostly I sat in a chair and stared at my baby through his isolete. Would you call that a blessing? Some people may say that all of these things are blessings, but they are more like exhausting emotionally and running on fumes you didn't know you had. So at that time during my life I would have said these aren't blessings, these are the crappy hand we got dealt in life.
Luke is my blessing because throughout all of the pain, the anger, the sadness, the terror, the sleepless nights, the brady episodes, the heart valve issues, the kidney issues and his fluid retention I knew I was a mother to Luke and I was the best Mommy that I could be to him in the situation he was in.
Luke is my blessing because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today. And I love myself more now than I have in my entire life. And I can only thank Luke for that. The blessing in disguise was that I had to endure these hardships now but that I am a stronger woman than I have ever been in my entire life. And I understand life better now. What really matters in life. And it isn't a majority of the things I thought were Pre-Luke.
Luke was a blessing sent to us so that we could have him with us for only a short amount of time. And in that short amount of time I saw my Light. I saw my BIG PICTURE. I know who I am now because of Luke. Because if I were the woman I was before Luke, now, I would be up the creek without a paddle. I wouldn't have been able to be doing as well as I am.
But my good times only last so long. I still have hard days and I know that they will be there for a while. Thanksgiving was terrible. Not because of family or food. It was terrible because all I wanted was Luke there with me. I don't even want to imagine how Christmas will be. Then to have to be strong on his due date in January, I already know it will hurt deeper than the holiday hurt.
My Light came from Luke. Everyone has a light inside of them. Some never know it's there because they don't get the opportunity to turn theirs on. I finally turned my light on for Luke. He brought it out of me. And that is how I know that everything we went through with Luke was a blessing because now I am strong enough to make it through anything. Luke helped me find my light and taught me how to use it.
“It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Well I want to talk about my blessings. I have many. But the blessings I will share aren't necessarily "happy" moments in my life. But until recently I realized they are blessings.
My favorite blessing is Luke. But the way Luke had to be brought into this world didn't feel like a blessing to me at the time. Hearing a doctor tell you that you are in active labor and that your baby will not progress past his 24 week mark was scary enough. But then being told a laundry list of all the problems he could have as a result of his early entry into the world is even more heartbreaking. So imagine a full day before this happens you are a healthy pregnant woman who is just entering her 6th month of pregnancy. Then be told your baby has to be born now and he could have life long problems if he even lives to his due date. That does not sound like a blessing. It sure didn't feel like one. But when I woke up in recovery and Scott showed me a picture of my sweet Luke I knew immediately he was a blessing. But I didn't realize how much of a blessing he would really turn out to be for my life.
I spent 38 days recovering from the shock of actually giving birth prematurely, not having the remaining 3 months nurturing my baby on the inside, recovering from my Cesarean Section Operation, and recovering from the speediest pregnancy I think imaginable. I spent 38 days trying to heal myself emotionally from the hardships I was faced with. I spent 38 days by the side of my tiny little miracle hoping and praying that the days would keep coming and the news would continue to get better.
I despised pumping. I knew I had to do it for Bean, but boy did I despise it. Here I am sitting on the couch in my living room, hooked up to a milking machine (let's face it - that's what it is!) and being pumped dry by these suction cups while they squeeze out 4 ounces of milk. So the pumping took 20 minutes each time and I was pumping every 3 hours. But the one day I did attempt to pump my well had run dry. Yes that's right. NO MORE MILK. Are you kidding me? Now what is Luke going to eat when he is able to?! Now I am feeling like a failure again for him. I failed to keep him safe in the womb for another 3 months and now I have failed trying to pump milk for him. Why does my body think it's ok to half-ass its duty!!!
I spent 38 days living in a hospital with my son who was trending in the wrong direction. Every day I sat beside him for hours upon hours and I would read, sing to him, change his diaper, hold his hand. wash his hair, hold him when I was allowed to do so and mostly I sat in a chair and stared at my baby through his isolete. Would you call that a blessing? Some people may say that all of these things are blessings, but they are more like exhausting emotionally and running on fumes you didn't know you had. So at that time during my life I would have said these aren't blessings, these are the crappy hand we got dealt in life.
Luke is my blessing because throughout all of the pain, the anger, the sadness, the terror, the sleepless nights, the brady episodes, the heart valve issues, the kidney issues and his fluid retention I knew I was a mother to Luke and I was the best Mommy that I could be to him in the situation he was in.
Luke is my blessing because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today. And I love myself more now than I have in my entire life. And I can only thank Luke for that. The blessing in disguise was that I had to endure these hardships now but that I am a stronger woman than I have ever been in my entire life. And I understand life better now. What really matters in life. And it isn't a majority of the things I thought were Pre-Luke.
Luke was a blessing sent to us so that we could have him with us for only a short amount of time. And in that short amount of time I saw my Light. I saw my BIG PICTURE. I know who I am now because of Luke. Because if I were the woman I was before Luke, now, I would be up the creek without a paddle. I wouldn't have been able to be doing as well as I am.
But my good times only last so long. I still have hard days and I know that they will be there for a while. Thanksgiving was terrible. Not because of family or food. It was terrible because all I wanted was Luke there with me. I don't even want to imagine how Christmas will be. Then to have to be strong on his due date in January, I already know it will hurt deeper than the holiday hurt.
My Light came from Luke. Everyone has a light inside of them. Some never know it's there because they don't get the opportunity to turn theirs on. I finally turned my light on for Luke. He brought it out of me. And that is how I know that everything we went through with Luke was a blessing because now I am strong enough to make it through anything. Luke helped me find my light and taught me how to use it.
“It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What Can You Do?
So I have had a lot of time to think about things over the past couple days and there is so much I want to say. So much I want to put out there. Luke lost his battle to prematurity. That was his story. When Luke came into this world 12 weeks early the nurse said every baby has their own story. Luke's story is simple.
Luke came into this world a wee bit early but he came nonetheless. We knew the statistics. We knew Caucasian males born during the gestational period of 24 weeks were the least likely to survive. But we had hope. And we clung to that hope for the full 38 days Luke fought to be part of this world. And fight he did. Must be the fighting Irish in him from his Daddy. My little man did things he wasn't supposed to be doing. His body was fighting so hard to work that it gave up. It couldn't do it anymore. I don't think Luke gave up. I feel his spirit around sometimes. He had a mighty spirit and spunk about himself. Luke as a person did not stop fighting. But his heart did. And we take that as a sign that it was tired of fighting and saving us from issues that we would have been really upset about. Luke Randall Malone changed my life forever and I know he changed his Daddy's too. I will never look at another thing in this life the same again. I will never take things for granted again. I will enjoy every minute I have to do so. And I will be HAPPY about it.
I got started on the March of Dimes website reaching out to other women who have been in our shoes. Wow. Talk about seeing the forest after the trees. The big picture finally clicked. Some women don't have the outcome we had. Some women suffer from miscarriages every time they are expecting. Some women have babies that are born still. Some women only get to spend a minute, an hour, a day with their children before they pass. Some women have to make the decision to take their child off of life support. Some women can't have children. Those women will never know what it is like to carry a child. Those women will never be able to know that they have a baby inside of them growing with their help. Some women lose one of twins. Some women take their children home and they pass at home. There are a million stories you could tell. A million different outcomes. But one thing in common. The pain you endure after a loss like that. It stays with you forever.
This is why I say getting involved with March of Dimes is so big - these folks are trying to save our babies! These advocates, these volunteers, these fundraisers, they are the ones working so hard to raise awareness so babies don't have to be born premature and possibly lose their life because of it. Or have life long birth defects that will forever play a major role in their life. Please donate. PLEASE. Even if it's only a dollar - it's a dollar that will be spent saving another family from going what we had to. And saving another baby's life.
I know I love my sweet Luke and this is what he taught me in the 38 days he was here. How to love unconditionally. How to lose everything unexpectedly. And how to help others who shouldn't have to go through it either. Every baby in a NICU around the world is fighting. These babies families are praying and hanging on to that hope that their child won't be a statistic. And with the help of March of Dimes one day we may get there. We may be able to save every child that is born.
The other day I was dressing and I saw my c-section scar. It made me think. I went through child birth and all I got was this stupid scar?! I will have that mark forever but I could only keep my son for 38 days. Seems so crazy to think of it. So unfair. But life isn't a guarantee. Anything could happen. We have to learn how to live together and be happy. Luke definitely taught me that.
I am having okay days. Some days are harder than others. Most days are hard. Sometimes I dream of him. Vivid dreams. Dreams about rocking him to sleep and watching him close his eyes. Some dreams are of us cuddling together in my hospital bed after he was born instead of him being whisked away to the NICU. Other dreams are of me losing him. Looking all over the house for him and I can't find him. Some dreams he's smiling and laughing at me. Sometimes it's just a simple dream of me holding him for hours and looking into his beautiful eyes. He was the most precious and beautiful baby I have ever seen. And I will love him forever. I will wake up with him and go to sleep with him in my mind. And since that is all I can do it is good enough for me. My memories will be with me forever. They don't take the place of him actually being here and making more memories. But they do satisfy my maternal need. When I feel sad that he's not here, I watch the video of me holding him for the first time. When I feel sad that I can't touch him, I think of our Kangaroo sessions with the heart to heart skin on skin. I think of the way he snuggled up so close to my heart and rubbed his fingers over it. When I am sad that I can't see him, I look at pictures of his eyes and I stare for hours. He's still here. His spirit is in my heart where it belongs. And I am so very thankful that in the 38 days he fought to stay here he gave me those memories because he most certainly didn't have to. And even though I never got to hear him cry I did get to feel his hand in mine and that's almost enough for me.
"Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~Nicholas Evans
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~Nicholas Evans
Weep Not for the Memory
The past week and a half has been nothing short of heartbreaking but slowly I am learning to breathe again.
Luke was the most amazing person I have ever met because within minutes of seeing his precious face I fell so deep in love with him. Holding him for the first time I fell even harder. He has taught me so much about life and how it should be lived. He has changed me because I want him to be proud of his Mommy and Daddy. So when another boy in Heaven asks him which parents are his he can point out Scott and I with love and respect and say those two are my Mommy and Daddy.
At the graveside we asked the pastor to play a song before prayer. When Luke was born early we spent those 5 weeks trying to pick out a song to bring Luke home to for the first time. We wanted the perfect song for him to hear for the first time ever. So we picked God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. We picked this because God only knows what we would be without him. When he passed so suddenly I told Scott we should still play his song for him. He is going home, not our home, but one so much better where he doesn't have to live in suffering.
The support my family and I received from everyone from Sunday to Tuesday was amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for coming to help us celebrate sweet Luke's precious life. We are so thankful for everything - cards, hugs, kisses, food, companionship, calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts, etc. We really appreciate the encouragement and support.
Scott and Melissa
First and always foremost:
Scott and I want to thank from the wholes of our hearts every single nurse, doctor, respiratory therapist and person at both Northside Hospital and Children's Healthcare of Atlanta at Scottish Rite. We never met a hand that we didn't shake or a smile we didn't receive. Luke had the best care possible for a premature baby born so early and underdeveloped. Luke MADE it 5 weeks with the help of everyone, he most certainly didn't have to. He could have gave out 3 weeks prior in surgery, but he didn't. Luke progressed as well as he did because of the staff at these two hospitals. And Scott and I will forever be indebted to them for doing all they could to keep our baby alive for us.
The week before Luke passed, November 5-9th, were rough days. His fluid was so bad that it had began to ooze out of his skin. Not like sweat, he was literally oozing fluid. His poor tiny body couldn't filter it. He wasn't urinating at all. His catheter was bone dry. Which meant he was neither producing urine and his kidneys weren't filtering the waste anyway. Towards the end of week Luke was paired with Dr. Sysyn. The best neonatologist there.
Dr. Sysyn was going to get Luke going. Luke had been on the blood pressure medicine Dopamine at it's highest dosage you could take so they implemented another blood pressure medicine Epinephrine at a low dos to try and jump start his kidneys. Luke stayed on this combination for 2 days. He was urinating like he was a grown man!He even tt'd so fast and much he shot his own foley out. Uh-oh spunky Luke was rearing his precious head. Daddy and I were so happy with the news.
Sunday morning (11th) the doctor called and said that they would be changing some of his nutrition around to try and help his body rid this fluid and keep the urine output so high. That call came in at 9am. By 10 am the doctor called again and we were leaving breakfast on the way to the hospital. He said Luke crashed on them but they were able to revive him for the time being. Scott told the doctor that we were on the exit and would be there in 10 minutes time. The doctor seemed fine with this.
What we walked into in that NICU at 10:15 am almost made me faint. I had to grab on to Scott for support. My baby was laying with all of the sides down on his isolete and the top up with so many bright lights in his face. The respiratory therapist came running around and pulled us to the front. They were trying to keep him alive. They had the medicine at the highest it could go, they were bagging him for manual breaths and they were doing chest compressions on him. He had about 20 nurses trying to save his life. 20 people trying to keep my baby here long enough for me to see him. They had him up but not for long. I knew it was over when the neonatologist looked me straight in my eyes and said "Now is the time to hold your baby so he can be comforted on his way out". I died a million deaths in that very instant. His tiny precious heart had give out. It no longer wanted to fight to live and there was nothing they could do for that. Heart transplants just don't exist for babies.
They pulled a chair up for me and handed my sweet baby Luke to me to hold. He looked at me. There wasn't much fight in his eyes left but he looked at me. And I held my dying baby over my heart and died with him in that very instant. My sweet boy took too large a piece of my heart to ever be replaced.
I sat there hoping that my heart to heart with him would bring him back. I rubbed his back. I sang him a song. I read what I could remember of Harry Potter. I told him that he was supposed to come home with Mommy and Daddy and meet all the animals that already love him so much. I told him he was supposed to learn a sport and play guitar or drums. I told him he was supposed to fall in love with his soul-mate and start his own miracle family like we did. There was so much Luke was supposed to do and it has been ripped away from us like a bad scene in a movie.
I held Luke for the rest of the afternoon. From 10:15am to 4pm I held my baby. I kissed him. I loved on him. I smelled him. I felt him from head to toe. My sweet nurse let me bathe him. We had our very first bath time together and we dressed in real clothes. Michele the nurse swaddled him very nice for me and I held him more. I kissed his sweet face. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop kissing that sweet babies nose and cheeks. Michele helped me make hand and footprints for our memory box and helped me make a clay footprint. Michele never left my side. She let me do everything I wanted with him. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She handled us with such delicate hands.
I had heart to heart with Luke the last time before she took him away from me. I just kept forcing my heart to bring him back. I just kept trying so hard to have him come alive and me leave. I would gladly lay where he's lying now. I kissed him and kissed him. I tried to give him a lifetime of kisses. Michele rubbed a piece of cloth over my heart and Scott's heart and placed it on Luke's heart to have there forever. That is what I wanted.
Monday was a blur. I am so thankful for Scott, Brad, Mollie, My Mama, and Scott's parents for helping me plan Luke's funeral. I wanted only the most beautiful things for my sweet child. I wanted him to be comfortable. I brought a bag from home with special items that I wanted Luke to be with in his final resting place. We planned the funeral. I told my pastor the only verse I wanted to hear most of all was Luke 18:16-17:
Monday was a blur. I am so thankful for Scott, Brad, Mollie, My Mama, and Scott's parents for helping me plan Luke's funeral. I wanted only the most beautiful things for my sweet child. I wanted him to be comfortable. I brought a bag from home with special items that I wanted Luke to be with in his final resting place. We planned the funeral. I told my pastor the only verse I wanted to hear most of all was Luke 18:16-17:
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
He said he would be honored to speak that verse for Luke. Luke's name came from my favorite book of the Bible and because it was the only name Daddy and I could come up with together. LOL! Heaven now has a new Saint Luke and he's the most beautiful baby Luke to be seen. I left the bag with the funeral home and they said they would dress him and place him by my request for the service Tuesday morning.
Tuesday morning we went to Eatonton where the service was held. Pastor Chris Webb is the most amazing pastor I know. I couldn't have made it without his guidance. He had been to see Luke when he had his surgery and prayed for him then. He was also with us on Sunday when Luke passed. I have never had a more caring group of people outside of our family that were with us Sunday. Children's chaplaincy was there, Michele (Luke's sweet nurse), and Pastor Webb.
When we got to the church for the service, Jeff Wages from the funeral home allowed us to have a private moment with Luke before they closed his casket. Everyone put a memory in the casket with Luke for him to have in his new "home".
- Mommy and Daddy wrote him letters telling him how much we love him.
- Mommy and Daddy put a picture of us in the top of his casket so he can be with us when we go to the races.
- Uncle Brad put in a GT hat he bought for him.
- Meme Mary put in a blanket she bought for him.
- Nana Nell put in a baby blue cross bracelet she wore from the time he was born to his departure.
- Mommy put in a bracelet I wore when he got sick given to me by a sweet cousin, Kim.
- Papa Butch put his deer pocket watch (The one I gave him many years ago for Christmas) that meant so much to him.
- We wrapped him in a blanket we got when he was born. The most beautiful blanket I have ever seen. Mrs. Rhonda at the Springleaf in Milledgeville gave it to us. It was blue with patches of bible verses all over.
- He wore a sleeper that his cousin Kelly gave him that had "Our Little Prince" on the bottom of it.
- We put a crocheted hat on him that someone at Northside hospital made for him.
- Mommy and Daddy also put his guardian Beagle in there with him so he wouldn't have to be alone.
Everyone left the room and Jeff let us hold Luke one more time. I just kissed him and kissed him and told him that for the rest of my life nothing would be more special to me than his sweet kisses. I told him that he would always be my baby Luke and nothing will ever change that. Daddy held him and did the same. We gave him back and he was closed for the last time.
Luke was the most amazing person I have ever met because within minutes of seeing his precious face I fell so deep in love with him. Holding him for the first time I fell even harder. He has taught me so much about life and how it should be lived. He has changed me because I want him to be proud of his Mommy and Daddy. So when another boy in Heaven asks him which parents are his he can point out Scott and I with love and respect and say those two are my Mommy and Daddy.
At the graveside we asked the pastor to play a song before prayer. When Luke was born early we spent those 5 weeks trying to pick out a song to bring Luke home to for the first time. We wanted the perfect song for him to hear for the first time ever. So we picked God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. We picked this because God only knows what we would be without him. When he passed so suddenly I told Scott we should still play his song for him. He is going home, not our home, but one so much better where he doesn't have to live in suffering.
The support my family and I received from everyone from Sunday to Tuesday was amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for coming to help us celebrate sweet Luke's precious life. We are so thankful for everything - cards, hugs, kisses, food, companionship, calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts, etc. We really appreciate the encouragement and support.
Scott and Melissa
Monday, November 5, 2012
Blue
Today has been a really ugly day for me. I am feeling hopeless, sad, angry and envious. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I've felt down in the dumps since I got up this morning. I feel hopeless because Luke's swelling is getting worse and earlier today he was not producing urine at all. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be, but I just can't help feeling we will never get there. I have hated everything today. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope and I am nowhere near this nightmare being over.
I am so sad because when I look at my poor baby lying there hooked up to all those machines that are keeping him alive I can't help but be sad. It's so overwhelming. Another reason I feel hopeless. I feel like there will not be an end to his life on machines. And it's hard to not be sad about everything. It's hard not to feel hopeless or like this will never end.
I am angry because he has to be put in this situation. I don't care about me or anyone else, I care about that sweet innocent baby and all of the suffering he is having to endure. It infuriates me that I can't do anything to take the pain away. It infuriates me to be so helpless. I am angry because since he got sick and had to have surgery he hasn't been my baby. He's not my feisty, spunky, cuddly, loving baby he was two weeks ago. Now it's a good day if he even opens his eyes and moves his arms and legs. He was doing so well two days ago with his movement and now it's back to nothing. He didn't move at all today. I suppose the swelling is making it hard for him to move. It's so hard to sit there day by day, hour by hour and watch him just lie there.
I am jealous and envious of two things. Last Thursday I had a doctor's appointment with the OBGYN who delivered Luke for my post op follow up. I was literally the only woman in the room not pregnant. It hurt my feelings so bad. I cried to myself in the waiting room. I grieved my pregnancy. I miss being pregnant. I miss the feeling it gave me. I was so happy with my sweet baby Bean inside me growing away. I miss laying my hands on my tummy and feeling him move. Now I have to watch him through an isolet and I can't touch him unless the nurse says it's ok.I am also jealous of some of the other NICU moms and their progression with their children. The baby next to Luke can sit up in his isolet with his stuffed animals. His Mommy can hold him. she comes in after work each day and scoops him right up and rocks with him for hours. I long for that. I crave it like nothing else in this world. I want to hold my baby so bad it hurts. Every time he gets his heel pricked for his blood gases and he gets so irritated I just want to hold him close and comfort him. I want to hold him close to my heart and never let go. The mothering instinct in me is not being satisfied and it is almost driving me crazy. I want to protect him from all of this and I can't.
Luke's swelling has gotten significantly worse. He just continues to retain fluid. The fluid seems to absorb into the tissues causing the swelling effect. The problem is the fluid needs to stay in his veins so it can be moved through urine instead. And honestly all of this is so far over my head that I can't even begin to explain the process that needs to happen in order to achieve this. But basically because he is one one type of medicine for his blood pressure, he can't take the desired medicine they use to try and start moving that extra fluid. So they have to try a couple of different methods but hopefully he will start getting rid of this fluid and making urine. Poor thing. He just really can't get situated. So prayers are more than appreciated for Luke and his issues lately. Positives are his tube from his tummy is running clear and his stoma's are producing so that means he can start his feeds when this swelling is controlled.
I find myself being incredibly thankful for all of the friends and family that have encouraged us through this difficult time in our life today. I know this seems like a blanket statement to make but honestly if it weren't for all the things that have been done for us then I don't know where we would be right now. Here are the specific things we are thankful for: cards, gifts for Luke, prayers for Luke, stories shared about preemies that made it with a normal life, food, love donations, keeping us company when we need a minute away, calls, texts, messages of encouragement and most of all the love and support shown to us by so many people. It humbles me deeply. Thank you everyone honestly thank you.
I am so sad because when I look at my poor baby lying there hooked up to all those machines that are keeping him alive I can't help but be sad. It's so overwhelming. Another reason I feel hopeless. I feel like there will not be an end to his life on machines. And it's hard to not be sad about everything. It's hard not to feel hopeless or like this will never end.
I am angry because he has to be put in this situation. I don't care about me or anyone else, I care about that sweet innocent baby and all of the suffering he is having to endure. It infuriates me that I can't do anything to take the pain away. It infuriates me to be so helpless. I am angry because since he got sick and had to have surgery he hasn't been my baby. He's not my feisty, spunky, cuddly, loving baby he was two weeks ago. Now it's a good day if he even opens his eyes and moves his arms and legs. He was doing so well two days ago with his movement and now it's back to nothing. He didn't move at all today. I suppose the swelling is making it hard for him to move. It's so hard to sit there day by day, hour by hour and watch him just lie there.
I am jealous and envious of two things. Last Thursday I had a doctor's appointment with the OBGYN who delivered Luke for my post op follow up. I was literally the only woman in the room not pregnant. It hurt my feelings so bad. I cried to myself in the waiting room. I grieved my pregnancy. I miss being pregnant. I miss the feeling it gave me. I was so happy with my sweet baby Bean inside me growing away. I miss laying my hands on my tummy and feeling him move. Now I have to watch him through an isolet and I can't touch him unless the nurse says it's ok.I am also jealous of some of the other NICU moms and their progression with their children. The baby next to Luke can sit up in his isolet with his stuffed animals. His Mommy can hold him. she comes in after work each day and scoops him right up and rocks with him for hours. I long for that. I crave it like nothing else in this world. I want to hold my baby so bad it hurts. Every time he gets his heel pricked for his blood gases and he gets so irritated I just want to hold him close and comfort him. I want to hold him close to my heart and never let go. The mothering instinct in me is not being satisfied and it is almost driving me crazy. I want to protect him from all of this and I can't.
Luke's swelling has gotten significantly worse. He just continues to retain fluid. The fluid seems to absorb into the tissues causing the swelling effect. The problem is the fluid needs to stay in his veins so it can be moved through urine instead. And honestly all of this is so far over my head that I can't even begin to explain the process that needs to happen in order to achieve this. But basically because he is one one type of medicine for his blood pressure, he can't take the desired medicine they use to try and start moving that extra fluid. So they have to try a couple of different methods but hopefully he will start getting rid of this fluid and making urine. Poor thing. He just really can't get situated. So prayers are more than appreciated for Luke and his issues lately. Positives are his tube from his tummy is running clear and his stoma's are producing so that means he can start his feeds when this swelling is controlled.
I find myself being incredibly thankful for all of the friends and family that have encouraged us through this difficult time in our life today. I know this seems like a blanket statement to make but honestly if it weren't for all the things that have been done for us then I don't know where we would be right now. Here are the specific things we are thankful for: cards, gifts for Luke, prayers for Luke, stories shared about preemies that made it with a normal life, food, love donations, keeping us company when we need a minute away, calls, texts, messages of encouragement and most of all the love and support shown to us by so many people. It humbles me deeply. Thank you everyone honestly thank you.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
My Most Precious Gift
Luke turned one month old today!! While this has been the quickest month ever it has also been the longest! I feel like it's been a million years since Luke was born. I have felt more alive than ever since becoming a mother but I have also died a thousand deaths as well. I have changed so much since Mr. Luke made his arrival into this world. It's almost hard to recognize the person I am now and who I used to be as the same person. Things I thought were so important seem so insignificant and petty now. I feel I have changed for the better. I never thought a 1lb 10 1/2 oz baby would have such an impact on me. But he has and it has definitely been a positive one. I now know what I was put on this earth to do. I know I was meant to be given this special child under these undesirable circumstances so that I can live life the best way possible and attempt to show others that life is so precious and it's definitely too short to live unhappy.
Luke had a good day today! He's pretty much the same with everything, which is good! Like I said before we like to have uneventful days. His swelling is still a little much but we are hoping he can move it himself. Other than that he's doing well with his labs, his stats and his vent settings. His tube ran clearer today as well so that is good! Once the tube runs clear from his tummy then his stoma's will start producing and he can eat again. I can't wait for that! But I am taking it day by day.
Today I am thankful for three dates in my life that led me to where I am today. June 6th, 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. September 21st, 2012 I found out I was having a boy Bean. October 4th, 2012 Luke Randall Malone came into this world with a big BANG. And because of these dates I have the most important person I have ever known in my life to call me Mommy. Luke is the absolute love of my life. I can't get enough of him. I love holding his extra tiny hands, I love watching him snuggle in his bed, I love when he opens his eyes the moment he hears me talk, I love to read him stories and watch him doze off to imagination land and most of all I love the fact that he is my son, all mine and I just can't wait to snuggle and cuddle him for the rest of my life (or until he decides it's not cool to be seen with your Mama). I love Luke like I have never loved anyone or anything in my life.
Today while I was watching Luke sleep in his nice comfy bed I daydreamed of all the things I can't wait to experience with him. I can't wait until he smiles his first smile at me, says his first word, takes his first steps and so much more! I can't wait for him to go to school and learn things and become fascinated with education. I can't wait for him to fall in love with someone and make lifelong friends. I can't wait for him to drive a car and figure out what his passions are in life. I just really look forward to finding out who this little person is day by day for the rest of my life.
I am feeling better also. I had my follow up doctor's appointment with the OBGYN that delivered Luke and he really put things in perspective for me. He said all of my labwork was normal and my placenta was normal as well. So now it is time to face the fact that there will never be a reason for this happening. It just happened. Most likely I have an incompetent cervix and I can get a cerclage (stitch the cervix together after 12 weeks) if I decide to have anymore children. So knowing that I finally started to accept that there will never be a reason to blame this happening on.
I am living my life day by day and hour by hour when it gets really rough. But everyone's prayers and encouragement and support help me get through each day regardless. And I sincerely thank each person who is taking their time to think of my family during this time. The upcoming holidays are going to be hard on us because this is definitely not how we imagined Luke's first Christmas. But we will get there if everyone continues to encourage us.
Thank you again!
Scott, Melissa and Luke Malone. :)
Luke had a good day today! He's pretty much the same with everything, which is good! Like I said before we like to have uneventful days. His swelling is still a little much but we are hoping he can move it himself. Other than that he's doing well with his labs, his stats and his vent settings. His tube ran clearer today as well so that is good! Once the tube runs clear from his tummy then his stoma's will start producing and he can eat again. I can't wait for that! But I am taking it day by day.
Today I am thankful for three dates in my life that led me to where I am today. June 6th, 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. September 21st, 2012 I found out I was having a boy Bean. October 4th, 2012 Luke Randall Malone came into this world with a big BANG. And because of these dates I have the most important person I have ever known in my life to call me Mommy. Luke is the absolute love of my life. I can't get enough of him. I love holding his extra tiny hands, I love watching him snuggle in his bed, I love when he opens his eyes the moment he hears me talk, I love to read him stories and watch him doze off to imagination land and most of all I love the fact that he is my son, all mine and I just can't wait to snuggle and cuddle him for the rest of my life (or until he decides it's not cool to be seen with your Mama). I love Luke like I have never loved anyone or anything in my life.
Today while I was watching Luke sleep in his nice comfy bed I daydreamed of all the things I can't wait to experience with him. I can't wait until he smiles his first smile at me, says his first word, takes his first steps and so much more! I can't wait for him to go to school and learn things and become fascinated with education. I can't wait for him to fall in love with someone and make lifelong friends. I can't wait for him to drive a car and figure out what his passions are in life. I just really look forward to finding out who this little person is day by day for the rest of my life.
I am feeling better also. I had my follow up doctor's appointment with the OBGYN that delivered Luke and he really put things in perspective for me. He said all of my labwork was normal and my placenta was normal as well. So now it is time to face the fact that there will never be a reason for this happening. It just happened. Most likely I have an incompetent cervix and I can get a cerclage (stitch the cervix together after 12 weeks) if I decide to have anymore children. So knowing that I finally started to accept that there will never be a reason to blame this happening on.
I am living my life day by day and hour by hour when it gets really rough. But everyone's prayers and encouragement and support help me get through each day regardless. And I sincerely thank each person who is taking their time to think of my family during this time. The upcoming holidays are going to be hard on us because this is definitely not how we imagined Luke's first Christmas. But we will get there if everyone continues to encourage us.
Thank you again!
Scott, Melissa and Luke Malone. :)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
You're My Best Friend ...
Today has been a good day. Scott and I had a little day out to ourselves and it felt good. It's easy to lose yourself and your relationship to the situation you are in if you don't take time out to nurture the relationship. It is funny though, the whole time we were out all we could do was imagine what it will be like to do things with Luke when he gets out of the hospital. It seems so far away, almost like it won't get here. Even sitting here now I wonder what it is going to be like when Luke comes home to us and our days don't revolve around hospital rooms and monitors. It almost seems scary to think that he will one day not need those things to survive. If I ever had the instinct to be an overprotective mother before it has surely been amplified one thousand times now. Poor Luke really doesn't know what he's in store for when he does leave the hospital! He will have "apron strings" for a very long time.
Luke continues to trend in the right direction. He still has a lot of fluid on him from surgery but his swelling is getting better by the day. The nurses are continuing to wean him from his ventilator so that is great news! His tummy tube is starting to run clear (this means his tummy has almost healed from the surgery on the inside) so that's also good news; the earlier that happens the earlier we can start feeding him again! He had another brain scan and the results are a little scary. One ventricle is measuring a grade 3 still but the other is now measuring a grade 4. Still not severe enough for surgery but it's not the news we were hoping for. He is also having difficulty urinating on his own (he has to have a catheter) but the doctors think that has to do with the swelling also.
So if anyone is praying for specific needs for Luke here are some key things we are concerned with:
- Head activity (we don't want him to need surgery to drain his brain)
- Tummy activity (we want him to be able to start feeding soon)
- Swelling and fluid retention (we want this to continue to reduce so he can get unnecessary pressure off of organs, like his bladder and kidneys)
- Urination to pick up.
Also just keep praying for his PDA (the ductus in his heart) - it did reopen during this whole ordeal. The cardiologist did say that it was narrower than they anticipated so this is good news, we hope it closes as he grows so he won't need surgery for that.
Scott and I also had a visit today with Luke's guardian angels. Kayla, Justin and Urijah stopped by to drop off Luke's donations, some Luke cookies and the sweet sign they made for him. It was so nice to talk with them about what we are going through because they know first hand how it feels. It really does mean a lot because not only can you talk to them about your experiences and feelings but you already know them personally as well. Scott and I are so very blessed for the three of them and they will never know how much. Honestly. I could say it until I am blue in the face but every day I live on this Earth with my son I will thank them. And not just for the bake sale and donation, but for the honest support and encouragement from Kayla and Justin. Their sincerity is very rare and hard to come by in friends today so if you are lucky enough to know this precious family then you are already truly blessed just by knowing them. We do love you Kayla and Justin and Urijah, more than you will ever know! And we can't wait for you to meet Luke!
Today I am thankful for my best friend Mollie. At our age the term "best friend" almost seems juvenile or childish. Like a term you would use when you were very young to describe someone. But in this case "best friend" is the most appropriate term there is to describe my love and my relationship with Mollie. Mollie and are probably more like sisters after all this time. We bicker like an old married couple and defend each other hardcore to anyone who starts any mess. We have been on some pretty crazy rides together and it is hard to believe we have been this close for over 10 years. Time surely flies when you have found the Thelma to your Louise. You learn a lot about friendships when you go through a tough time and Mollie has definitely been through more than one tough time with me. She's the person I can count on through thick and thin and I wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world! And the love I know she has for my Luke makes me so happy. I know that if anything ever happened to me in this life and I couldn't care for him any longer, Mollie would be there without a doubt. Now our friendship had exceeded another level in our lives and I can't wait for more! Mollie you are the best friend anyone could ask for and I am so thankful I am able to call you my "best friend".
Thank you for checking in on us! We appreciate everything from everyone!
Love,
Scott, Melissa & Luke Malone :)
Luke continues to trend in the right direction. He still has a lot of fluid on him from surgery but his swelling is getting better by the day. The nurses are continuing to wean him from his ventilator so that is great news! His tummy tube is starting to run clear (this means his tummy has almost healed from the surgery on the inside) so that's also good news; the earlier that happens the earlier we can start feeding him again! He had another brain scan and the results are a little scary. One ventricle is measuring a grade 3 still but the other is now measuring a grade 4. Still not severe enough for surgery but it's not the news we were hoping for. He is also having difficulty urinating on his own (he has to have a catheter) but the doctors think that has to do with the swelling also.
So if anyone is praying for specific needs for Luke here are some key things we are concerned with:
- Head activity (we don't want him to need surgery to drain his brain)
- Tummy activity (we want him to be able to start feeding soon)
- Swelling and fluid retention (we want this to continue to reduce so he can get unnecessary pressure off of organs, like his bladder and kidneys)
- Urination to pick up.
Also just keep praying for his PDA (the ductus in his heart) - it did reopen during this whole ordeal. The cardiologist did say that it was narrower than they anticipated so this is good news, we hope it closes as he grows so he won't need surgery for that.
Scott and I also had a visit today with Luke's guardian angels. Kayla, Justin and Urijah stopped by to drop off Luke's donations, some Luke cookies and the sweet sign they made for him. It was so nice to talk with them about what we are going through because they know first hand how it feels. It really does mean a lot because not only can you talk to them about your experiences and feelings but you already know them personally as well. Scott and I are so very blessed for the three of them and they will never know how much. Honestly. I could say it until I am blue in the face but every day I live on this Earth with my son I will thank them. And not just for the bake sale and donation, but for the honest support and encouragement from Kayla and Justin. Their sincerity is very rare and hard to come by in friends today so if you are lucky enough to know this precious family then you are already truly blessed just by knowing them. We do love you Kayla and Justin and Urijah, more than you will ever know! And we can't wait for you to meet Luke!
Today I am thankful for my best friend Mollie. At our age the term "best friend" almost seems juvenile or childish. Like a term you would use when you were very young to describe someone. But in this case "best friend" is the most appropriate term there is to describe my love and my relationship with Mollie. Mollie and are probably more like sisters after all this time. We bicker like an old married couple and defend each other hardcore to anyone who starts any mess. We have been on some pretty crazy rides together and it is hard to believe we have been this close for over 10 years. Time surely flies when you have found the Thelma to your Louise. You learn a lot about friendships when you go through a tough time and Mollie has definitely been through more than one tough time with me. She's the person I can count on through thick and thin and I wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world! And the love I know she has for my Luke makes me so happy. I know that if anything ever happened to me in this life and I couldn't care for him any longer, Mollie would be there without a doubt. Now our friendship had exceeded another level in our lives and I can't wait for more! Mollie you are the best friend anyone could ask for and I am so thankful I am able to call you my "best friend".
Thank you for checking in on us! We appreciate everything from everyone!
Love,
Scott, Melissa & Luke Malone :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
My Love, My Scott
Today has been a good day for the Malone family. Luke has had an exceptional day. He's got no real change, but today he opened both eyes for Mommy and Daddy again! Finally! I stared into my sweet baby's eyes again for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. He was so active too! Continuing his exercising - this is good. :) Medically Luke is steadily improving! Each day gets better! And the saying "no news is good news" has become our little motto since the surgery. We feel the more the doctors and nurses say he's doing the same or he's doing well then the better for us! These days we prefer uneventful days.
Today I would like to express how thankful I am for my husband Scott. If you don't know him very well then let me tell you about him. If ever there were someone who was put on Earth to save someone else it is surely Scott for me. Scott has taught me how to love who I am. He loves me for me. He makes me happy when I am at my lowest. He supports me in everything I do. He is the most wonderful husband a wife could have, the best friend someone could ask for and the best father in the world. Just earlier he was singing along to Jamey Johnson on vinyl playing on our record player. This is how I imagine life when I think of what perfect is for me. The only thing missing right now is Luke, but he will be home with us soon. We can't wait to play Luke's first song on vinyl for him and play a song on the guitar for him. January can not come quick enough!
This past month has really taught me things in life that I never thought I would be forced to learn or forced to realize. In 24 hours I had experienced fear, anger, hurt and love all at once. In the moment I laid eyes on my sweet little man I let go of every worry I had lingering in my head from the day before. Suddenly these things didn't seem important anymore. So all of the petty things that used to consume my mind, such as friends who weren't friends after all, classes I dreaded taking because I didn't feel like it, that one person at work who irritates the mess out of you ... these things didn't matter anymore.
So along with being thankful for having a new day each day to do great things, try to let worry and stress go! It's not worth it in the end. When something happens that forces you to almost live your days hour by hour, you have plenty of time to sort through all of the negative things and realize what matters most: family, friends and loved ones that support you no matter what!
Thank you for taking a moment to catch up with The Malone Family. We certainly appreciate it!! We love y'all!
Scott, Melissa & Luke :)
Today I would like to express how thankful I am for my husband Scott. If you don't know him very well then let me tell you about him. If ever there were someone who was put on Earth to save someone else it is surely Scott for me. Scott has taught me how to love who I am. He loves me for me. He makes me happy when I am at my lowest. He supports me in everything I do. He is the most wonderful husband a wife could have, the best friend someone could ask for and the best father in the world. Just earlier he was singing along to Jamey Johnson on vinyl playing on our record player. This is how I imagine life when I think of what perfect is for me. The only thing missing right now is Luke, but he will be home with us soon. We can't wait to play Luke's first song on vinyl for him and play a song on the guitar for him. January can not come quick enough!
This past month has really taught me things in life that I never thought I would be forced to learn or forced to realize. In 24 hours I had experienced fear, anger, hurt and love all at once. In the moment I laid eyes on my sweet little man I let go of every worry I had lingering in my head from the day before. Suddenly these things didn't seem important anymore. So all of the petty things that used to consume my mind, such as friends who weren't friends after all, classes I dreaded taking because I didn't feel like it, that one person at work who irritates the mess out of you ... these things didn't matter anymore.
So along with being thankful for having a new day each day to do great things, try to let worry and stress go! It's not worth it in the end. When something happens that forces you to almost live your days hour by hour, you have plenty of time to sort through all of the negative things and realize what matters most: family, friends and loved ones that support you no matter what!
Thank you for taking a moment to catch up with The Malone Family. We certainly appreciate it!! We love y'all!
Scott, Melissa & Luke :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
November Gives Thanks
Every November my minifeed gets blown up with Days of Thanks and days of NoShaveNovember. So with that being said I have challenged Scott to not shave for the month of November. HAH, we will see how long that lasts! ;) I am actually partaking in daily giving of thanks in November. There will be a rhyme and reason behind each thanks I give on that day. So without further adieu, on this 1st day of November 2012 I am so very thankful for my Mother. If you have not had the pleasure of meeting her then you must do so immediately! This lady single-handedly raised me to be the caring and emotional person I am today. She taught me love and how to love others. My mother is also one of the strongest women I know and admire. I like to think the goodness I do have inside came directly from her. And I am so happy to have her as Luke's Nana! I know they are going to do so many things together! And hopefully she will share her love with Luke like she did with me. Even though I haven't gotten the "real" opportunity yet to be Luke's Mommy, I hope that when the time comes I am just like my mom. I hope that I can protect him like she protected me and love him like she loved me and mold him into a perfect child like she did with me..... ok that took it too far right?! ;) Mama I love you so much and I am so proud to have a Nana like you for Luke!
Ok - on to Mr. Luke's publicity report for the day. ;)
There is quite a lot to talk about since I haven't written since he had surgery - a little over a week. Well Luke has taken his time with recovery and that is exactly what we want. He gets progressively better everyday. I will never stop praying for him and his friends in the hospital and all of the sweet nurses and doctors that are taking care of our special children. The first few days after surgery Luke had rough times. He had been sedated and paralyzed so much that it took a few days to just come out of his little coma. Slowly he came back to us. One finger would lift, a little later a whole foot would move, later his entire arm. But today he was on a roll with his "exercising" (this consists of an aerobic routine I feel sure I learned from Coach Dabbs in High School), goes like this : Left fist punch over Right fist punch over, works the sides I think... Then he does his leg exercises - mainly consists of extends and kickboxing. He's still working on them since he's waiting for the feeling to come back in his right toes completely. He's also the first to don a funny face at you. Today he stuck his tongue out at his Daddy at least 3 times. Must have thought he was elaborating on Venkman too much in the story. ;) His weight is indicating he is now 3 1/2 lbs, but we have to calculate swelling into that number as well.
Medically speaking Luke is getting there. He's on the road to where he needs to be. After he had that tummy surgery, his body sighed a major sigh of relief! Now we are just playing catch up. Trying to get my Bean back to his normal levels. No real updates right now. Will probably have more tomorrow for that. And I like this - means my sweet man may be on the road to chilling out until he gets to come home! Let's hope!!
Luke Personality Bits: Now for those of you reading this that really know me more than Scott I am afraid I have to say Luke has my personality. When the nurse sets his arm in place for an IV the minute she turns around he rolls his hand over. When the Respiratory Therapists come by to give him his breathing treatment he pitches a throw down fit then. The man just wants to hang out and sleep - hello just like his Mommy! Come to my house on a weekend and see if you don't catch the same action and 'tude. My little man sure does have it. All that fussing and punching and kicking and as soon as she changed his diaper and laid his blanket over him he was out like a light! That's most definitely my boy!
I am so very overwhelmed at the love and devotion shown to me and my family at the Fall Festival on 10/27. I am being as honest as I can be and it's coming from the depths of my heart and soul when I say THANK YOU! Thank you from all of us. Luke is a very special man already, he has so many beautiful guardian angels in Eatonton that have been watching over him and getting things together for him for his future. And we appreciate more than you know.
There's something to be said about living in a small town. Born and raised my entire life. I love my hometown always have and always will. I will be the first to stand and say "I am from Eatonton, Georgia and I will forever be a Putnam County Queen!" And for some who didn't have the privilege of experiencing life in a small town - well you missed out on something that stays with you forever. Your friendships may take different courses, you may move away but the country doesn't move out of your heart. I guess what I am trying to say is - having been married for the past 4 1/2 years and lived in Atlanta you lose touch with those that you had such close relationships with at one time. Even though we may all drift apart or away - drift off to our own routine - Wake, Eat, Daycare, Work, Daycare, Dinner, Playtime, Bathtime, Nighttime - the moment one of your own - no matter the amount of time that has passed since you have touched base - in that moment when we find that someone needs our love and support that we love so dearly from being "one of our own" we set out to help them the best way we can. And that everyone is compassion for each other at its best! And I can say without a doubt that Eatonton Georgia is full of a very rare sense of camaraderie amongst your fellow man. And that is why I love Eatonton and I will forever be proud of where I came from and I can't wait to take Luke to his very first Dairy Festival and meet all of his angels that never even knew existed for him!
I will leave like this - Please be thankful - not just for the month of November or for a fun little game, but be truly thankful every day of your life that you have lived to see another and you have so much to love and be thankful for. I did get a huge reality check on 10/4/12- one I was not expecting at all. And ever since that day I could name a million things I am thankful for and a million reasons to be thankful. Don't take each day for granted. Take it as the day you have been given to do something great with. I know I have been for the past 4 weeks. And it has given me a perspective that I never knew existed.
Love you all and thank you for taking a minute to check in on us! :)
Melissa, Scott & Luke
Ok - on to Mr. Luke's publicity report for the day. ;)
There is quite a lot to talk about since I haven't written since he had surgery - a little over a week. Well Luke has taken his time with recovery and that is exactly what we want. He gets progressively better everyday. I will never stop praying for him and his friends in the hospital and all of the sweet nurses and doctors that are taking care of our special children. The first few days after surgery Luke had rough times. He had been sedated and paralyzed so much that it took a few days to just come out of his little coma. Slowly he came back to us. One finger would lift, a little later a whole foot would move, later his entire arm. But today he was on a roll with his "exercising" (this consists of an aerobic routine I feel sure I learned from Coach Dabbs in High School), goes like this : Left fist punch over Right fist punch over, works the sides I think... Then he does his leg exercises - mainly consists of extends and kickboxing. He's still working on them since he's waiting for the feeling to come back in his right toes completely. He's also the first to don a funny face at you. Today he stuck his tongue out at his Daddy at least 3 times. Must have thought he was elaborating on Venkman too much in the story. ;) His weight is indicating he is now 3 1/2 lbs, but we have to calculate swelling into that number as well.
Medically speaking Luke is getting there. He's on the road to where he needs to be. After he had that tummy surgery, his body sighed a major sigh of relief! Now we are just playing catch up. Trying to get my Bean back to his normal levels. No real updates right now. Will probably have more tomorrow for that. And I like this - means my sweet man may be on the road to chilling out until he gets to come home! Let's hope!!
Luke Personality Bits: Now for those of you reading this that really know me more than Scott I am afraid I have to say Luke has my personality. When the nurse sets his arm in place for an IV the minute she turns around he rolls his hand over. When the Respiratory Therapists come by to give him his breathing treatment he pitches a throw down fit then. The man just wants to hang out and sleep - hello just like his Mommy! Come to my house on a weekend and see if you don't catch the same action and 'tude. My little man sure does have it. All that fussing and punching and kicking and as soon as she changed his diaper and laid his blanket over him he was out like a light! That's most definitely my boy!
I am so very overwhelmed at the love and devotion shown to me and my family at the Fall Festival on 10/27. I am being as honest as I can be and it's coming from the depths of my heart and soul when I say THANK YOU! Thank you from all of us. Luke is a very special man already, he has so many beautiful guardian angels in Eatonton that have been watching over him and getting things together for him for his future. And we appreciate more than you know.
There's something to be said about living in a small town. Born and raised my entire life. I love my hometown always have and always will. I will be the first to stand and say "I am from Eatonton, Georgia and I will forever be a Putnam County Queen!" And for some who didn't have the privilege of experiencing life in a small town - well you missed out on something that stays with you forever. Your friendships may take different courses, you may move away but the country doesn't move out of your heart. I guess what I am trying to say is - having been married for the past 4 1/2 years and lived in Atlanta you lose touch with those that you had such close relationships with at one time. Even though we may all drift apart or away - drift off to our own routine - Wake, Eat, Daycare, Work, Daycare, Dinner, Playtime, Bathtime, Nighttime - the moment one of your own - no matter the amount of time that has passed since you have touched base - in that moment when we find that someone needs our love and support that we love so dearly from being "one of our own" we set out to help them the best way we can. And that everyone is compassion for each other at its best! And I can say without a doubt that Eatonton Georgia is full of a very rare sense of camaraderie amongst your fellow man. And that is why I love Eatonton and I will forever be proud of where I came from and I can't wait to take Luke to his very first Dairy Festival and meet all of his angels that never even knew existed for him!
I will leave like this - Please be thankful - not just for the month of November or for a fun little game, but be truly thankful every day of your life that you have lived to see another and you have so much to love and be thankful for. I did get a huge reality check on 10/4/12- one I was not expecting at all. And ever since that day I could name a million things I am thankful for and a million reasons to be thankful. Don't take each day for granted. Take it as the day you have been given to do something great with. I know I have been for the past 4 weeks. And it has given me a perspective that I never knew existed.
Love you all and thank you for taking a minute to check in on us! :)
Melissa, Scott & Luke
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