Oh Light, What Light

Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking of blessings. What is a blessing really? Some people may say a blessing is winning the lottery. Others may feel a blessing is getting the home you want that you can afford. Some people may even think that blessings can only be good things that happen to you because a blessing has to be a positive experience, right? Right?

Well I want to talk about my blessings. I have many. But the blessings I will share aren't necessarily "happy" moments in my life. But until recently I realized they are blessings. 

My favorite blessing is Luke. But the way Luke had to be brought into this world didn't feel like a blessing to me at the time. Hearing a doctor tell you that you are in active labor and that your baby will not progress past his 24 week mark was scary enough. But then being told a laundry list of all the problems he could have as a result of his early entry into the world is even more heartbreaking. So imagine a full day before this happens you are a healthy pregnant woman who is just entering her 6th month of pregnancy. Then be told your baby has to be born now and he could have life long problems if he even lives to his due date. That does not sound like a blessing. It sure didn't feel like one. But when I woke up in recovery and Scott showed me a picture of my sweet Luke I knew immediately he was a blessing. But I didn't realize how much of a blessing he would really turn out to be for my life. 

I spent 38 days recovering from the shock of actually giving birth prematurely, not having the remaining 3 months nurturing my baby on the inside, recovering from my Cesarean Section Operation, and recovering from the speediest pregnancy I think imaginable. I spent 38 days trying to heal myself emotionally from the hardships I was faced with. I spent 38 days by the side of my tiny little miracle hoping and praying that the days would keep coming and the news would continue to get better. 

I despised pumping. I knew I had to do it for Bean, but boy did I despise it. Here I am sitting on the couch in my living room, hooked up to a milking machine (let's face it - that's what it is!) and being pumped dry by these suction cups while they squeeze out 4 ounces of milk. So the pumping took 20 minutes each time and I was pumping every 3 hours. But the one day I did attempt to pump my well had run dry. Yes that's right. NO MORE MILK. Are you kidding me? Now what is Luke going to eat when he is able to?! Now I am feeling like a failure again for him. I failed to keep him safe in the womb for another 3 months and now I have failed trying to pump milk for him. Why does my body think it's ok to half-ass its duty!!! 

I spent 38 days living in a hospital with my son who was trending in the wrong direction. Every day I sat beside him for hours upon hours and I would read, sing to him, change his diaper, hold his hand. wash his hair, hold him when I was allowed to do so and mostly I sat in a chair and stared at my baby through his isolete. Would you call that a blessing? Some people may say that all of these things are blessings, but they are more like exhausting emotionally and running on fumes you didn't know you had. So at that time during my life I would have said these aren't blessings, these are the crappy hand we got dealt in life. 

Luke is my blessing because throughout all of the pain, the anger, the sadness, the terror, the sleepless nights, the brady episodes, the heart valve issues, the kidney issues and his fluid retention I knew I was a mother to Luke and I was the best Mommy that I could be to him in the situation he was in. 

Luke is my blessing because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today. And I love myself more now than I have in my entire life. And I can only thank Luke for that. The blessing in disguise was that I had to endure these hardships now but that I am a stronger woman than I have ever been in my entire life. And I understand life better now. What really matters in life. And it isn't a majority of the things I thought were Pre-Luke. 

Luke was a blessing sent to us so that we could have him with us for only a short amount of time. And in that short amount of time I saw my Light. I saw my BIG PICTURE. I know who I am now because of Luke. Because if I were the woman I was before Luke, now, I would be up the creek without a paddle. I wouldn't have been able to be doing as well as I am. 

But my good times only last so long. I still have hard days and I know that they will be there for a while. Thanksgiving was terrible. Not because of family or food. It was terrible because all I wanted was Luke there with me. I don't even want to imagine how Christmas will be. Then to have to be strong on his due date in January, I already know it will hurt deeper than the holiday hurt. 

My Light came from Luke. Everyone has a light inside of them. Some never know it's there because they don't get the opportunity to turn theirs on. I finally turned my light on for Luke. He brought it out of me. And that is how I know that everything we went through with Luke was a blessing because now I am strong enough to make it through anything. Luke helped me find my light and taught me how to use it. 

“It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi