God Only Knows

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."- C.S. Lewis

Lamentations 3:31-33
"For the Lord will not cast off for ever.
 But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his      mercies.
 For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men."

I have read many things on the stages of grief. All the emotions you feel and what they mean. But I can't help but feel different. These stages of grief, they seem so broad. Of course you will be angry, of course you will be depressed. No doubt you will be in denial and sad. That's grief for losing a loved one period. It has to be different when it's your child. Your baby. It seems so generalized. Here's the normal things you will feel. There's no mention of fear. Or how hard everyday life becomes after something like this happens to you. How mundane everything becomes. Where's the mention that life seems insignificant after losing a child? Not life itself, I am very happy to be here, but the "normal" things you were once so happy to be part of. The joy that leaves your heart over things that you once found so much happiness in. Where's that stage?

When I was pregnant all I could do was daydream about my life with Luke. The things we would do together. The memories we would make. His first day of school. His graduation. His wedding. His first child. I was in a way obsessed with him. I couldn't wait to hold him. I couldn't wait to teach him things. I couldn't wait to hear him talk for the first time or walk for the first time. I imagined his first time meeting Santa, would he cry? Would he smile at him? I imagined his first Halloween costume. What would he be? Luke Skywalker? A Ghostbuster? What would his favorite childhood things be? Would he have a favorite pet? These are the things that filled my mind day and night about Luke. I would think about the things that made me so happy in childhood. Slushies from the gas station, ice cream cups with the wooden spoons, riding the roads in the country and enjoying nature. Would Luke like these things? 

I guess I couldn't wait to be like everyone else who had children. I couldn't wait to post his first pictures or videos of his first words and steps. Videos of him singing in the car with Mommy and Daddy. Pictures of him playing with the dogs. I couldn't wait to fill my home with pictures of my miracle Luke. I longed for these things when I was pregnant. I longed for the family we were fixing to have. Mommy, Daddy and Luke. Instinct kicks in during pregnancy and you have these feelings of the love to come in the years ahead. I couldn't wait for him to love our friends too, like Auntie Molls and Auntie Jess. Uncle JV. Auntie Amy and Uncle Josh, Auntie Rachel and Uncle Chris. I couldn't wait for him to know his Auntie Robyn and Uncle John and his three cool cousins. He would love his Uncle Brad because he would ride all of the roller coasters with him and take him to the coolest theme parks in the world! I just thought through my entire pregnancy that we will have our sweet baby too! Now family functions will have more meaning because Luke will be there too! Luke will be at Callie and Ty's parties and Sam and Eli's. Lainey and Bree. And sweet baby Collins that will be here in April. I started to think this is how it's supposed to be. 

But of course it didn't turn out that way. So because of that my hopes and dreams for the future have been pulled away from me. My Luke was taken from me. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to still be in my belly and growing strong. I was supposed to have him on January 22nd, a full term baby. But instead he came 16 weeks early and only lived 5 weeks 3 days. When he was born, I didn't abandon all hope. I had it. I depended on hope and faith. I then became obsessed with that. I became obsessed with hope and faith keeping Luke alive and helping him pull out of this and be a normal baby. I became obsessed with Luke's survival. How will this happen? How can it continue to go on like this? When is the turning point? When will he get better? Obsession is the best used word for this situation. Every drug they gave him, every medicine they hooked him up to, every breathing tube, every monitor, every lab, every test, every ultrasound and scan, every x-ray I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know what they were doing and why. And how will it help him? So obsession is quite right. 

But my obsession with that only got me so far. I slowly lost the hope and faith on Sunday the 11th. Actually on that day I lost hope and faith the minute my baby was gone and wasn't coming back. When Luke passed I became obsessed with everything. What happened? Why did this happen? Why were you giving him this if there was a risk of cardiac arrest? Why couldn't he be saved? I wanted him swaddled a certain way. I wanted him to have a proper bath without all of those damn wires and tubes poking out of him. When they removed the IV's and tubes I saw my baby for the first time without anything on him. I saw his entire face. I became obsessed with cleaning him. I didn't want one single mark on him. No dry skin, no sticky residue from his bandages, nothing. I wanted this baby to look like how he should have naturally. 

Now I am obsessed with living life without him. It is not fair. I flipped the light on in the kitchen earlier and it made me think of Luke. Yes, something that simple can trigger a meltdown. I flipped the light switch on and thought, this is BS. Luke will never flip a light switch. But here I am flipping them on and off, adjusting the temperature in the house, cleaning dishes, and all for what? Why did Luke have to die?! Why wasn't I taken instead of him?! My body failed him so why do I continue to live and he doesn't? My body should have given itself up for Luke. I would gladly be where he is now if he could be where I am now. In his home with his things and his pets and his Daddy. Living, breathing, learning. I've done that for the past 28 years. He will never know these things. It infuriates me. Why couldn't I have been the one to go and let him stay and grow up and know the things I already knew? So not fair. 

But what is fair? Hmmmm .... that's a good one to think about. Is it fair that there are babies in NICU's around the country that have been abandoned by their heartless parents? Oh your baby doesn't come out quite like you thought they should so you just hand them over to the state? That really pisses me off. I would gladly die to take Luke's place and have him happy and healthy and experience life but yet I get my baby  taken from me by death. Yet these clowns that act like they are parents and then the rough parts come in and they jump ship the minute they can? MAKES ME SICK.

Before I got pregnant with Luke I will be the first to stand up and admit that I was not a very good person. I mean I upheld the law, I worked a full time job and went to school full time. But I was a chief complainer. I complained about everything. It was just who I was. I thought I had all the answers and thought I knew what life was about. But boy was I wrong. DEAD WRONG. So after something so traumatic happens and you have to eventually pick the pieces up and move on you realize how petty this really is. It really bothers me to get on Facebook and see someone put a status up about how annoying their kids are being right then. Really? Or complaints about the Burger King drive thru. Or, oh these are my all time favorites, I can't do anything now because I have kids and my life sucks because I have to be around them all the time. Well .... I can tell you this - I wish I had my baby with me. I wish he would annoy me. I wish I could say I couldn't do something because of my baby.... get that? Please be happy that you have a happy healthy baby. Be grateful. Love them. Love them even harder than before. Go places with them instead of without them. Spend all the time you can with them because there is a reality out there that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are. And even though my Luke was technically medically sick, meaning the point he was at in life he could not live without the medicine and machines helping him, it was still a HUGE surprise when he was taken away from us. and it was a matter of 10 minutes. So I say love until you can't love anymore. I would want for nothing but my baby here with me so I can love on him. 

Today we took Peaches to the doctors office for her yearly checkup and vaccinations. While we were in the lobby waiting on the girls to bring her out, a lady came in crying hysterically with her husband and her pet wrapped in a blanket. He was deceased. I almost fainted when it happened because it gave me flashbacks of Luke swaddled in his blanket and me holding him and crying and pleading for his life. It broke my heart. And yes I know someone's pet is different from someone's child but I don't think so. A loved life lost is a life lost the same. That poor lady was grieving for her sweet fur baby. It hurt me. And I held Peaches a little tighter tonight because it touched me so deeply. 

So if it's one thing I can say that maybe makes sense is - take my tragedy and learn from it. Tomorrow may not come for some of us. Spend all the time  you can loving your babies and appreciating every moment because we are no guaranteed anything in life except that we will all die. I didn't have an ideal situation but I had one with Luke. And I loved him every minute of every day and still do. I think of him non-stop. But I am mostly upset that I didn't get to have the mounds of memories that I had psyched myself up with during pregnancy. I will never have them with Luke. But everyone out there has time now to do it. And I hope you do. 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu