This post will be incredibly personal ... and I am okay with that. I want to share my most personal thoughts and feelings so that maybe Luke's purpose in life will be remembered. And honored. And his purpose will be recognized for, what I believe, what it was meant to mean to all of us.
When I was pregnant I had the most vivid dreams. Dreams of my baby. Dreams of what this baby meant. Dreams of who they would be and what they would become. Mostly I blamed these vivid dreams on pregnancy and the raging hormones I was experiencing. But one night I had a dream that I now realize meant more than it did at the time. I dreamed that I was carrying a son and he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He radiated in a way I had never seen before. He had a spirit and aura that I literally can't describe because it was beyond any experience I had ever had, anything I had ever imagined. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. Then I felt that he should be named Luke. When I woke up the next morning I just knew in my heart that I was having a boy and he was to be Luke, for some unknown reason. This was before I found out I was having a boy. So when I did get confirmation I knew this foreseen prophecy was real. I had this dream for a reason. I told Scott in the doctor's office - "This is Luke".
I have always felt I was spiritual but I never considered myself religious. I just had so many questions. So many doubts. I am not ashamed to admit this. I have come to realize that this is what happens when you begin to accept Christianity and accept the Holy Spirit as part of your being. You start to question and you realize your doubts. And when you least expect it, your questions are answered and your doubts vanish. That's what happened with me when I became pregnant. I thought, I don't even know if I want children and now I am pregnant... I have so many doubts about my capability of being a mother, am I ready for this ..... I wasn't even trying and it happened .... could this be my miracle that I was meant to have? I felt then that a purpose was put upon me, I just didn't realize what that purpose would really turn out to be. Sometimes in life it is true that you can't have any triumph without some tragedy. And it is true. I couldn't sit here and tell the world, tell anyone who wants to listen, share with everyone reading this that I, Melissa Malone, am a firm believer in the Heavenly Father and all He unselfishly gave to all of us in hopes that we would believe in His word. Believe in Him.
In Sunday School growing up I always enjoyed lessons that Mrs. Kern taught us from the book of Luke. I thought, maybe this is why I love the name so much. It is my favorite book in the Bible. And I know that the story in Luke is the same as in Matthew but I always got excited when Mrs. Kern decided to teach us from Luke instead. I researched the book of Luke after my Luke was born and I found that some believe the book of Luke concentrated on Mary's genealogy and Matthew concentrated on Joseph's. Either way, it's always been my favorite book. I realize now that I was given this prophecy so many years ago and it came to me again when I was expecting my first child. I do believe now that I have a desire to know all I can about Luke himself and the book in the Bible.
I found an audio book on the book of Luke and bought it. It's a modern reading of the book interpreted to our English language. I started this book Monday. Within the first 30 minutes, I found myself rewinding the book several times to hear this one particular story over and over. See, I was meant to hear this story in Luke. I was meant to make this connection with my Luke. I was meant all along to have Luke and lose him. And this is why I feel this is true:
There was a priest, Zacharias, and his wife Elisabeth who could not conceive a child in Judea. The couple were very religious and walked in the path of God. One day the angel Gabriel appeared to Zacharias and spoke of a prophecy from God that he and Elisabeth would bear a son and he was to be named John. The prophecy was to come true, Elisabeth would bear this child and he would become John the Baptist. He would baptize many and he would come to be recognized as one of the first to believe that Jesus was the Messiah and the son of God. He would be Jesus's friend and would help him spread the word of God. During Elisabeth's pregnancy Gabriel also appeared to Mary and told her that she would birth the son of God. Mary then visited Elisabeth to tell her the news the angel gave to her. Elisabeth told Mary that she too had been blessed with a child. When Mary told Elisabeth that she would be the mother of Jesus, John leaped in Elisabeth's womb. John the Baptist went on to baptize Jesus later in life for the sins of man, not Jesus himself.
Now, I am sure you are wondering why I feel this story is of significance to me and my son Luke. It speaks to me. When I heard it I couldn't hear it enough. I listened over and over to make sure I was hearing it right. To make sure I was not misinterpreting the story. See, my Luke was born six months to the day of his estimated due date. I was 24 weeks exactly. I see myself like Elisabeth, no I am not infertile, but I was not convinced that I would not have children. I see the significance in the six month reference because Mary was conceived with Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. Elisabeth's womb leaped when Mary mentioned Jesus, the man who would save us all. I see significance that she gave birth to John the Baptist, a great man that would baptize and save so many people in his life.
Luke saved me. My child saved me from a life lacking fulfillment and joy. Though I weep and am saddened that he had to be taken from me, I realize that he was given to me for this reason. I was not meant to have him, just as Mary was not meant to have Jesus. I don't want to come off like I think my son was the second coming of Jesus, but my son was my salvation. If this had never happened to me, if Luke had never come into my life and gone like he did, I wouldn't be here sharing this story with everyone. I wouldn't be where I am spiritually in my life. I wouldn't be saved like I am today.
I feel that my prophecy was given to me at a very young age. There is a meaning behind why I came to love the book of Luke so much. There is a meaning behind why I had a dream where my son would be named Luke and he would do great things. There is a meaning why I had him at six months. There is a meaning why Luke's life was short lived. He accomplished more than some do in a lifetime. He saved me from myself. And I feel one of the greatest things you can do in life is save another person, for if you have done that then your life is complete. And Luke did that for me. And who's to say that Luke hasn't done that for more people? He could have touched lives and saved people that I would never know. Luke's life was short but it was not meaningless.
I found Jesus when Luke was born at 24 weeks, much like Jesus was conceived when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. This is when I feel the world was given Jesus, when he was conceived in Mary's womb. I was given Jesus when I was six months pregnant just like the world was given Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant. I grew to love my child and lose him much like Mary lost Jesus. My sacrifice in life was Luke. I was meant to have him for a short time and give him back to God because he was put here to save me. And when his work was done, he went back to the same hands that miraculously gave him to me in the first place. I am proud to be Luke's mom. I will forever hold that title close to my heart. Though I know I will continue to grieve, I know I will continue to be sad and mourn for my sweet Luke, I also rejoice in knowing that he is with the Lord and he is in the safest place anyone could be. And he's all mine when I see him again. And I will have him for an eternity then. I rejoice in knowing that my sweet baby saved me and that his presence did not go unknown. That his meaning in life is known and accepted even though it hurts.
I am not perfect, none of us are. I still have my moments where I lose hope. But it always comes back to me. I have my moments where I feel like life can't be any lower than it feels at that moment, but I get back up and start again. I will have my times of despair but I know that I will pull through them because God is with me. Jesus is with me. He never leaves. God also put each one of you in my life to help me progress as well. If I didn't have the encouragement I have from so many I don't believe I would be here telling you this story. I couldn't focus on the positive instead of the negative. My wish is that everyone can find hope again after reading my stories of Luke. I hope everyone can find their rainbow during the storm. I don't think life is meant to be lived without some tragedy. Because through tragedy we learn to have faith that life has a greater meaning. And although that meaning may not make sense at the time, it will when it's supposed to.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Even though I had more downs that ups, I still had my ups and sometimes that is all one can hope for when such tragedy is experienced. My greatest treasure will always be in my heart forever.
Luke 12:34 : For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
No comments:
Post a Comment