Commandment #10

Commandment 10: Thou shalt not covet.

Deadly Sin 1: Lust

Coincidentally these two sayings, the commandment and the sin, actually go hand in hand. We are not to covet what others have - homes, cars, jobs, money, power, etc. But the first deadly sin is Lust which in turn believes that all human nature is bound to lust for something - cars, jobs, money, power, etc. 

I must admit that in the past few weeks I have found myself guilty of these two things. I have coveted what others have that I don't and I have lusted for these things the same. First, I want to say that I in no way mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. Nor is it my intent to upset. I just want to write about the things I have found myself lusting and coveting as it relates to me and where I am at in my recovery. Therapy is teaching me so much. My therapist is amazing and I wouldn't be in my recovery if it weren't for her. I tell her the things I lust and covet for and she says that it is a normal part of my healing process. 

I have a very close family member who is nearing the end of her pregnancy. She is only 3 months behind me in relation to the due date. I love her and her sweet baby. I can't wait to meet him and hold him. But in a way I lust for that. Not in an inappropriate way, I lust to hold a newborn healthy baby boy like it should have been for me. I then start to lust for my own healthy newborn baby for myself. I will not lie and say that I won't be tearful when the time comes, when we get the phone call or text that baby is here. But I want to hold him just for a moment to see what it feels like. And to thank God that he has given this precious child a wonderful life to live with his family as well as the family who will have their very own precious life to have forever. 

What I am coveting may be a little more strange to some, but again my therapist said it's a perfectly normal part of the grieving and healing process and I should feel this way. There is a girl I work with that is pregnant, just in her first trimester. I covet her pregnancy. I want my own! I want to feel that life inside of me again and the comfort that sweet baby feels being with its Mommy all day and night long. I love her the same and her baby also. 

When I tell my therapist how I feel she assures me that I am normal, but I almost feel shameful. My time will come when it's right - but my impatient side, my yearning maternal side craves it so much. And rightfully so. All of my dreams and hopes for Luke were so violently ripped away from me that the only way the body knows to fix the trauma is to replace it with something else. Which in my case is another baby. But I know better. If I were to become pregnant again right now I don't think I would be able to handle it. It's such a confusing time. 

I see all of my friends on Facebook with their precious babies and their sweet pregnancies and I think "Why me God?" Why am I the one that has to have these jealous feelings for another person's happiness? I then realize that these are normal reactions when you have lost something so close to your heart. The same could be said if I were single and watching all of my friends marry and start families of their own, or it could be said for someone laid off from their job but their friends don't have the slightest financial problems. I know it is part of the human psyche - part of our nature to yearn for more. Then you have a tragedy occur and it is intensified by a million. But I continue to pray for solace within my soul and I have it most of the time. 

My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She said that it's unusual for people to think of that term as being associated with anything other than military type mental illness. But that's not true. Losing your child, being in an abusive relationship, having an abusive parent, all of these things can also trigger PTSD. I told my therapist about my dreams of Luke and she says they are caused from the PTSD and she also said unfortunately some of these odd occurrences will stay with me forever given the situation.

I love to see my preemie babies growing and doing so well but it also saddens me at the same time. I'll never get to take Luke home with me. I won't be able to watch him grow and make a lifetime of memories with him. It's selfish almost but I think it's a deserved selfishness. Why couldn't my Luke do these amazing things and be home with us by now? Why did my fate have to turn out the way it did? I don't think I will ever get the answer to that. 

I want to reiterate over and over again, if you read this and you are pregnant, or have a newborn, or you are my co-worker and family member, please do not take offense or get upset by what I say. I may have mixed emotions right now because everything is still so new to me, but I do not love you or your baby any less. I am also no less thrilled for you! 

I hate to feel shameful or selfish. But I can't help but feel that right now. Everything is so new. 

I have spent a lot of time thinking of sweet Baby Aaron who got his wings a couple of weeks ago. This brought back so many emotions so perhaps that explains why I have these feelings of lust and covent. Baby Aaron fought so hard, so hard, to live and at a time when he should have been at home with Mommy and Daddy learning the ways of the world. 
Aaron tried so hard to live with his new livers but he just couldn't. My heart breaks for him and his family. Knowing what they are going through first hand just saddens me so deeply.

I have to thank everyone for supporting Scott and I during this new path we found ourselves hurdled down. Everything is so new, perspective has changed so much. We continue to find ourselves and how we fit into a world without Luke. 

I almost feel like these are still the days of the NICU. Emotional roller coaster. I am ready to depart this ride and ready for things to steadily return to normal. Or for whatever normal is going to be for us now. The ups and downs, they are not going anywhere any time soon. There will always be that person that says the wrong thing, or that situation where we relive our tragedy again. But in time we will learn how to properly cope with it and it won't be so bad then. 

It's so hard to watch life progress on when you are still stuck in the days of your tragedy. But I keep praying. I keep my faith and I keep my hope. 

I will close with a little bit of my nerdy side shining through, two quotes from two of my favorite book series:

"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
JRRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring