Miracles

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". When I think of my life over the past ten months I think of all of my miracles. The miracle when I found out I was pregnant. The miracle when I saw the first ultrasound of my Bean. The miracle of having Luke - alive and healthy for the most part - for the little amount of time I had him with me. The miracle of watching my sweet son smile at me and snuggle closer and closer during our bonding times. And even though it may not feel like it at some times, but the miracle of losing Luke as well. I don't mean to make light of my loss - it is in fact something I struggle with daily. But if Einstein is correct then everything is a miracle. If it weren't for Luke, I don't know where or what I would be right now. Luke has taught me some amazing values and virtues and while it may seem foolish for me to think he knew what he was teaching me, I know he knew his life's mission. He was sent to change me. He gave me a second chance at life. I didn't have to hold on to the negativity anymore that plagued my mind and soul. I could let that go and live again - and this time see the world in a completely different light. 

Some of you may know that I have been undergoing my testing since Luke passed. When Dr. Bodner first told me everything he wanted to test on me I was very hesitant. I was scared to know what happened, but I had an insatiable need to know as well. Luke passed in November so I decided I would do this testing for him. And I started them in January, having my last test done on the day before Luke's due date. To me it was a sense of closure. Even though I wasn't at the hospital delivering my loved son, I was at the hospital figuring out how to prevent this from ever happening again. I had tons of blood work done - and I mean tons. Dr. Bodner is a wonderfully precise man. He wanted to leave no stone unturned in my body. I also had a procedure known as an HSG performed as well. Typically women have an HSG if they are having issues conceiving. Well we already knew that wasn't an issue. I had the procedure so Dr. Boder could study internal x-rays of my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. 

I could name a laundry list of things they could have potentially found that would have caused Luke's premature arrival. Tilted uterus, misshapen uterus, fibroids on my ovaries, kinks in my fallopian tubes, glucose levels too high or low, thyroid problems, iron deficiency, placental issues, umbilical cord issues, oh the list goes on, but I think you have the idea by now. It was a crap ton of worry!

Last Wednesday Scott and I went to see Dr. Bodner for the results of my testing and to talk about the future of parenthood. Dr. Bodner is also a wonderfully witty man. I love him already. When we went into his office the first thing he says is this, "Scott I wish there was something I could tell you was wrong with your wife, but alas there is not. Not one thing wrong with your beautiful bride (hey- his words not mine!)". He then went on to explain the results he was expecting to find that caused me to go into active labor so early in my pregnancy - blood levels slightly off, loopy uterus, crazy cervix, dysfunctional placenta.... but nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I had to suppress tears - mainly because every time I visit with Gary (as he is liked to be referred to) I end up using every box of tissues he has in his office. He jokingly told me at my previous appointment that I take the crown for uses of kleenex and he now knows he must keep them in full stock when he sees me on his books. :) All of my blood work came back perfect. Everything was in the ranges they were supposed to be in for my age, height and weight. There are no concerns with genetic malfunctions either. I have a perfect reproductive system, uterus is spot on, ovaries and fallopes are as well. The extensive research they did on my placenta all came back normal. So Luke, that precious sweet baby, was being very well taken care of by his mommy on the inside. Peace came over me. For so long, since October, I have been struggling with myself over why this happened. Surely something went wrong. But once Gary assured us that nothing was wrong with me I found a very bittersweet peace. Happy that I can go on to have as many children as I want - whenever that rolls around again - and they will be healthy beautiful babies like Luke only they will make their entire journey inside mommy. Dr. Bodner did mention that one test he ran was slightly inconclusive and that is a potential issue with clotting. He said the lab work on my placenta didn't show enough evidence of that being the case. But at any rate that man laid down a birth plan for Scott and I when we get ready that made us extremely happy.

To quote Gary, and please do not be offended, he said "Unfortunately sweetheart you got dealt a shitty hand and had to live through a shitty experience". But if I hadn't been through this experience then I wouldn't be sitting here letting everyone know that I can without a doubt have more children. Luke gave me that. While it is not fair and it certainly doesn't replace having my baby here with me healthy and brand new, it does keep my hope and faith going. It is fueling it. There really is a silver lining in every cloud, we just have to take a moment and find it. And when you find it keep it with you forever for that is the light during your darkest times.

Gary is so funny - he was like when are we starting again - immediately?! Scott and I both had mini heart attacks. Ummm no? Then he laughed and laughed and said that is what I was hoping to hear for you. 

So in case you are interested in hearing our birth plan for when the time comes, here goes. I will come off my pills two months before trying (Gary got a big kick out of that one - if I can wait that long since I got pregnant while taking my pills the first time. Then he winked at Scott, lol). After that I will take a baby aspirin every day. This will help prevent clots if they do happen to sneak in somewhere undetectable. I will then get pregnant at some point, and begin my weekly visits with Gary himself. He is going to take very good care of me. He will do an ultrasound if not every week at least very frequently just to monitor my next vegetable. I will also get the progesterone shots every week and he will perform a cerclage at 14 weeks. Then smooth sailing from there until he takes the cerclage out and my baby is born - full term. 

Unfortunately incompetent cervix is a crazy thing. That's why we call it the crazy cervix. This may never happen to me again but as precautionary measures I will most definitely get the cerclage. 

I dream about more children. I can't imagine the fear I will have when I do decide to become pregnant again. But Gary also told me that is to be expected and he has some wonderful medicine that is safe for baby and will make mommy very relaxed during her pregnancy. It would probably be beneficial to daddy as well so the next time Papa John's decides to leave out my 3 extra orders of peppers WWIII won't happen. 

Malone life is going pretty well. I love my husband each day more than the last. I realize he is the perfect half to me and I couldn't have been any luckier when I found him so many years ago. Fate, miracles, they go hand in hand. 

I can't end my post without asking everyone to remember these precious babies fighting every day to live. Sweet Mercy is doing so so well!! Baby Aaron is getting there - just a few minor tweaks and he will be good as new in no time! A very dear friend also had her baby girl, Isabella premature but, all praise to his Highness, she is rocking right along as well. Remember them and their families. Pray for strength and comfort like you did for me. Trust me it's appreciated more that anyone could ever know. 

"A miracle is often the willingness to see the common in an uncommon way." Noah Benshea