Right Now

Today has been a BIG day! We called Luke's nurse first thing this morning to get an update and it has been mostly smiles all day. She told us he had a great night - he's tolerated and digested all of his feedings, he has pooped with the help of a suppository, and he's as feisty as he always is. This makes me smile. I like to hear that he's feisty. It makes me know that he's fighting and he won't stop until he's at home with Mommy and Daddy. It also makes me smile because that is DEFINITELY a Batchelor trait. ;) 

The doctor called and told us that they are fairly confident the valve is getting smaller. This is the news we want to hear! He had an echo-cardiogram today and the tech that administered the test is sure the medicine is working just the way it should. Luke's blood pressure medicine was lowered and eventually taken away today as well. The great news keeps coming! He did have to get platelets today and his white blood count was slightly elevated, but Luke's sweet nurse felt that was all due to the medicine he has to take for his heart valve. The medication is a lot like Ibuprofen or Motrin so it is to be expected that his blood can get a little whacky, especially for a little guy like him. 

Today Luke is one week old. The love of my life has been here for a full 7 days. I can't even begin to describe my feelings. Over the last 7 days I have been through every emotion you can imagine. I have been overwhelmingly happy - happy that he is doing incredibly well considering his situation, deeply hurt and sad - sad that he has to go through so much daily to be here, sad that I will never feel his sweet bumps on the inside again, sad that my pregnancy was taken away from me so soon, sad that I can't even touch my sweet baby, fear - fear that with each phone call there is a chance to get horrible news, fear that he will never be like the other children his age, fear that I won't be able to handle everything we are going through, anger - anger that this happened to me while others take parenthood for granted and don't appreciate every second they get to spend with their perfectly healthy children, anger at myself for not being more aware of what my body was telling me, anger that so many people are going through their daily routine and I sit here and fall apart and try to put myself back together every hour of the day, jealousy - jealousy that others can hold their baby and love on them and kiss them whenever they want, jealousy that others don't have to go through these trying times (although I would never never wish this on anyone in this world, please don't get me wrong). Every day is a struggle and it seems like every day I feel a different emotion for a different reason. But even with these daily struggles, each day does seem to be getting a little better. 

I thank God everyday for Scott. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him so much and I can't imagine a life without him. Every time I see him with Luke I fall more in love with him than the last time. If it weren't for Scott, I would be way worse than I am now. He has been my rock through everything and he has been the best rock I have ever had. I thank God everyday for giving me Scott. It's the best gift, besides Luke, that I have ever gotten. 

In addition to Scott, I am so grateful to every single person who has prayed, thought about, or asked about Luke. For the rest of my life I will never be able to thank each person enough for their love for our family. I already know Luke is an amazing baby but I am so happy that everyone else loves him as well - enough to constantly keep him in their prayers and check on his progress. 

Today I took a nap (I know, Mommy finally shut her eyes!) and I had a dream that I was rocking my sweet baby in my arms and looking into his beautiful eyes for the first time. I can't wait until that day. I know it is coming I am just trying to keep a positive attitude. It's very much easier said than done, but by keeping thoughts and dreams like that in my head it helps me get through these incredibly hard days. 

Luke has some amazing friends and family and I can't wait for the day when he is big and strong and I can tell him over and over what a special little man he really is. Here are some photos from Luke's little birthday party in NICU. :)