Hard Day's Night

I haven't written in a couple of days because so much has been going on. Scott went back to work yesterday so I have been getting shuttled to and from the hospital since I can't drive again yet. So between special visits from truly loved friends and my shuttle to and from the hospital and school it's been hard for me to write. Plus - Mommy has slept about 4 hours each night since Saturday! It's getting a little better!

LUKE UPDATE:

Sweet baby Luke is good! Everything he has had issues with has been normal preemie stuff according to the doctor so that's always good to hear! He had another scan of his heart yesterday (10/15/12) and the medicine worked! Luke's valve is significantly smaller and as he grows it will get smaller and eventually close on its own! This is wonderful news! So he won't have to take anymore medicine for that nor will he even have to have anymore scans of his heart. 

His feedings have been increased in amount, which is great! He's being fed every 3 hours and now he's getting 1 1/2 cc's of milk. This makes Mommy very happy!! The downside is that he isn't urinating enough for the amount he's eating. The doctor said his Adrenal gland is not working properly (which is very normal for preemies) but that it's fixable. Those steroids I mentioned earlier that they want to start for his lungs will also jump start his adrenal gland. So instead of waiting until his two week birthday, which would be this Thursday, they went ahead and started them today. This is good news because this is jump starting his lung development and hopefully he can be weened off of the ventilator sooner! He is going to be grumpy while he is on the steroids, but they are going to be good for him in the long run. He will take these steroids for twelve days - hopefully in those twelve days he will be off his ventilator and going potty like he should! Prayers, please, this happens!!! Luke needs lots of prayers right now. 

He will have his second brain scan this week as well. I am worried sick over it, I pray to God every second it enters my mind that he gets a good report from his brain scan and that he will be ok in the future!  Please continue praying for this! I can't stress how important these prayers are to my family and myself. They keep me getting up every morning at least. 

Luke is the most beautiful little man I have ever laid eyes on. I love him so much and I wish and hope and pray so much for him on his long journey to coming home. I can't believe it has already been two weeks since Luke came into this world. It has been the best two weeks of my life because my sweet little angel is here and I have experienced a whole new love I never could have imagined existed. But it has also been the worst two weeks of my life as well. And I am sure you could all imagine how it could be. 

Mommy needs many many prayers right now please. I am having an extremely tough time accepting that this just happened and it is what it is and I can't change it. I am very very sad and hurt. I am angry as well. I am trying to take everything one step at a time. Day by day is not even helping me anymore. I will take this hour by hour now. I read encouraging words from loved ones and it helps for a little while then I spiral back into my sadness. Every time I think of my baby and the fact that I have to drive to a hospital and ask permission to come into the NICU just to look at him makes me so mad and sad. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to cuddle with him every time I think of him. And I can't. I cry, cry, cry, cry. I am really ready for this to get better for me because I can't be strong for my baby if I am in such horrible shape myself. I am eat up with worry. I worry about everything. I can't be any other way right now. WORRY! It's why I can barely eat, barely sleep, cry all the time. I am so worried that my sweet baby is going to have problems that I can't solve for him. 

I read an article today about a little girl that is missing because her caregiver ran into a gym and when they came out the car was stolen with the little girl in it. Really? REALLY? This is what I mean when I say - IT IS NOT FAIR. And it makes me so mad, I can't even describe how mad it makes me. I can't touch my child and some people are out there and they aren't even concerned about the well being of their own child. 

I know I am not the only person that is going through this - nor am I the only person who has ever been through this. And I am not ungrateful for the progress and positive news for Luke, not one bit. I am just so scared to get my hopes up just to be disappointed when something does happen. 

I never thought of myself as a mother. Honestly, I never thought I would have children. I was content with Scott and the cats and dogs. But getting pregnant and having a child grow inside you - from you - is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Then having them come into the world in less than desirable conditions rips you into a million pieces. I have never loved like I love him. I think that is why I am so full of sadness and anger. I wish I could trade places with him. I wish I could get poked every time they need blood, I wish I had to live with a breathing tube down my throat. I wish I had to go through all of these things that Luke has to go through every day just to be here. I wish he could live effortlessly like me and I would gladly take all the pain and discomfort he has to endure daily just so he could be happy and healthy and satisfied. I just love him more than words can describe and even as I write this I am in tears. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. 

I wish I could hibernate until January. I wish I could close my eyes and when I wake up my baby boy will be in my arms, in our home, with Scott and the animals. I absolutely can not wait until that day. I can not wait until sweet Luke is here with me and he doesn't have to be put through the things he does anymore. 

Scott told me today I was a great mother when he left me at the hospital. I don't feel like a mother. I feel like I carried this child for 24 weeks and now he's in someone else's hands, more capable hands, better hands than my own and they are taking care of him. I am just there in the background watching someone else care for my child because I can't. My body couldn't even hold him until he was full term. Again, this makes me extremely mad. 

Again, I will always say this - please love your babies with all you can. Be so so thankful that you don't have to go through what I am. Don't take anything for granted. Everything your babies do, enjoy every moment of it!! Be grateful that you don't have to wait to hold your baby, you don't have to sit at the hospital all day every day and watch your baby through an incubator, you don't have to worry about every buzz and ding that goes off on his monitor, you don't have to have daily consults with a doctor on how your baby is doing for that day. Just be thankful for every minute you have with your children. 

Thank you for continuing to support us, pray for sweet Luke and encourage our family in so many different ways. We truly appreciate it. Please keep praying for Luke, he is our special little man and he means so much to us.