Never My Love

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.” ― Paulo Coelho

Well, here I am, again, just like last year, when my last post appeared on this blog. This year is different though. Where last year I almost couldn't stop myself from writing all of my thoughts and feelings, this year I'm at a loss for words. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not from a lack of words - and those of you who know me quite well, know that's almost impossible; however, it's more what's left to say? Still hurt - check. Still sad - check. Still mad - check. Although considerably less than last year, my excellent days far exceed the bad, those emotions haven't gone anywhere that's for sure. But, who wants to sound like a broken record, honestly? 

I have been going to therapy - which has helped me far beyond what I can express in words, which is why I think I have stopped writing for the most part, but now my therapist is encouraging it. So here I am. But here I am with a huge writers block - not from a lack of material, but a lack of NEW material. So what I thought I may do in this post is write to Luke on his birthday and tell him all of the things I have been wanting to say - to him. So, here goes. 

My Sweet Luke,

Today you would have been two years old! I imagine you would have been such a big boy! I read that at two a child begins to learn independence. Mommy doesn't know if that would have went well for her - how could she have let you get away from her?! They have this label called "terrible twos", which I like to think, "not my child", but I am sure even your precious self would have succumb to the label as well. This is because you would have learned how to start expressing emotions - those good and bad ones. And you would have started potty training. That seems like so much to start learning after your second birthday!

I think about the things you are missing out on, Luke, and I wonder why you had to leave so soon. You definitely experienced more in your 38 days than some do in a lifetime, that is for sure, but the little things you have missed are what I think of at times. Your first words - what would they have been? I want to say Mommy - I am sure your Daddy would like to think Dadda, but like his first word was "clock", I am sure yours would have been something just as random as that! Maybe doggy since you would have had some to play with. When would you have taken your first steps? Heck, when would you have rolled over for the first time or started sitting up by yourself? 

Mommy and Daddy moved to Texas this year and we love it. We miss Georgia though. We also got a new dog named Jackson. We rescued him from a shelter that was going to put him down otherwise. We gave him another chance at life. I like to think you are very proud of us for saving him - and just like you taught us so much sweet boy, Jackson has too. I wish you were here with us to experience Texas. Your Daddy and I miss you so much and we talk about you all the time. I don't you want you to think we would ever stop. Never my love. 

We get asked all the time, "So do y'all have any kids?", especially since moving to a new area, beginning new jobs and meeting new people, it seems to be the first question to ask - which is okay, we understand. But it's hard, how do we answer this? We don't presently have kids with us no, but we have you, you're just not with us in the physical sense. That's a mouthful and unfortunately considered a "bummer" to say to someone when meeting them for the first time, so what do we say? We both feel bad answering "no" because it's simply not true, but what do you do? 

Luke, you are so blessed to have so many people that love you! All these people reached out to Mommy and Daddy today to send birthday wishes for you and to let us know they were thinking of us. It's really overwhelming. It's been two years and we still have such a strong support system, it's amazing. You are so loved my baby and I am so happy. If there's one thing you accomplished in your short little life, you touched so many hearts and that's just amazing. 

I thought of the last time we had kangaroo time, before you got so sick with your tummy, the other day. I could have held you forever, and ironically enough, though not in the flesh, I do hold you in my heart forever, in the same spot you laid for hours that day. I remember the nurse telling me how much you loved it because your levels were so good and you were so content. I was too. Sometimes when I am asked to think of my happy place, that's where I go. When it was just you and I, alone during our special kangaroo time, with nothing else in the world happening but that. That's my happy place baby boy. Maybe its yours too. Maybe if death is a dream - or a constant replaying memory - it's that one for you. I hope it's something as special. It could be the time you and your Daddy held hands and he told you stories about Ghostbusters. That was a pretty awesome time too. 

I will always love and miss you my sweet baby Luke. I will never understand why you were taken from us, but I will cherish the time you were here and I will never take time for granted because I know how precious it is - and how quickly it can be gone. I hope the celebration was a good one and know that you are always our little bean. 

We love you,
Mommy & Daddy