Today has been a good day. Scott and I had a little day out to ourselves and it felt good. It's easy to lose yourself and your relationship to the situation you are in if you don't take time out to nurture the relationship. It is funny though, the whole time we were out all we could do was imagine what it will be like to do things with Luke when he gets out of the hospital. It seems so far away, almost like it won't get here. Even sitting here now I wonder what it is going to be like when Luke comes home to us and our days don't revolve around hospital rooms and monitors. It almost seems scary to think that he will one day not need those things to survive. If I ever had the instinct to be an overprotective mother before it has surely been amplified one thousand times now. Poor Luke really doesn't know what he's in store for when he does leave the hospital! He will have "apron strings" for a very long time.
Luke continues to trend in the right direction. He still has a lot of fluid on him from surgery but his swelling is getting better by the day. The nurses are continuing to wean him from his ventilator so that is great news! His tummy tube is starting to run clear (this means his tummy has almost healed from the surgery on the inside) so that's also good news; the earlier that happens the earlier we can start feeding him again! He had another brain scan and the results are a little scary. One ventricle is measuring a grade 3 still but the other is now measuring a grade 4. Still not severe enough for surgery but it's not the news we were hoping for. He is also having difficulty urinating on his own (he has to have a catheter) but the doctors think that has to do with the swelling also.
So if anyone is praying for specific needs for Luke here are some key things we are concerned with:
- Head activity (we don't want him to need surgery to drain his brain)
- Tummy activity (we want him to be able to start feeding soon)
- Swelling and fluid retention (we want this to continue to reduce so he can get unnecessary pressure off of organs, like his bladder and kidneys)
- Urination to pick up.
Also just keep praying for his PDA (the ductus in his heart) - it did reopen during this whole ordeal. The cardiologist did say that it was narrower than they anticipated so this is good news, we hope it closes as he grows so he won't need surgery for that.
Scott and I also had a visit today with Luke's guardian angels. Kayla, Justin and Urijah stopped by to drop off Luke's donations, some Luke cookies and the sweet sign they made for him. It was so nice to talk with them about what we are going through because they know first hand how it feels. It really does mean a lot because not only can you talk to them about your experiences and feelings but you already know them personally as well. Scott and I are so very blessed for the three of them and they will never know how much. Honestly. I could say it until I am blue in the face but every day I live on this Earth with my son I will thank them. And not just for the bake sale and donation, but for the honest support and encouragement from Kayla and Justin. Their sincerity is very rare and hard to come by in friends today so if you are lucky enough to know this precious family then you are already truly blessed just by knowing them. We do love you Kayla and Justin and Urijah, more than you will ever know! And we can't wait for you to meet Luke!
Today I am thankful for my best friend Mollie. At our age the term "best friend" almost seems juvenile or childish. Like a term you would use when you were very young to describe someone. But in this case "best friend" is the most appropriate term there is to describe my love and my relationship with Mollie. Mollie and are probably more like sisters after all this time. We bicker like an old married couple and defend each other hardcore to anyone who starts any mess. We have been on some pretty crazy rides together and it is hard to believe we have been this close for over 10 years. Time surely flies when you have found the Thelma to your Louise. You learn a lot about friendships when you go through a tough time and Mollie has definitely been through more than one tough time with me. She's the person I can count on through thick and thin and I wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world! And the love I know she has for my Luke makes me so happy. I know that if anything ever happened to me in this life and I couldn't care for him any longer, Mollie would be there without a doubt. Now our friendship had exceeded another level in our lives and I can't wait for more! Mollie you are the best friend anyone could ask for and I am so thankful I am able to call you my "best friend".
Thank you for checking in on us! We appreciate everything from everyone!
Love,
Scott, Melissa & Luke Malone :)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
My Love, My Scott
Today has been a good day for the Malone family. Luke has had an exceptional day. He's got no real change, but today he opened both eyes for Mommy and Daddy again! Finally! I stared into my sweet baby's eyes again for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. He was so active too! Continuing his exercising - this is good. :) Medically Luke is steadily improving! Each day gets better! And the saying "no news is good news" has become our little motto since the surgery. We feel the more the doctors and nurses say he's doing the same or he's doing well then the better for us! These days we prefer uneventful days.
Today I would like to express how thankful I am for my husband Scott. If you don't know him very well then let me tell you about him. If ever there were someone who was put on Earth to save someone else it is surely Scott for me. Scott has taught me how to love who I am. He loves me for me. He makes me happy when I am at my lowest. He supports me in everything I do. He is the most wonderful husband a wife could have, the best friend someone could ask for and the best father in the world. Just earlier he was singing along to Jamey Johnson on vinyl playing on our record player. This is how I imagine life when I think of what perfect is for me. The only thing missing right now is Luke, but he will be home with us soon. We can't wait to play Luke's first song on vinyl for him and play a song on the guitar for him. January can not come quick enough!
This past month has really taught me things in life that I never thought I would be forced to learn or forced to realize. In 24 hours I had experienced fear, anger, hurt and love all at once. In the moment I laid eyes on my sweet little man I let go of every worry I had lingering in my head from the day before. Suddenly these things didn't seem important anymore. So all of the petty things that used to consume my mind, such as friends who weren't friends after all, classes I dreaded taking because I didn't feel like it, that one person at work who irritates the mess out of you ... these things didn't matter anymore.
So along with being thankful for having a new day each day to do great things, try to let worry and stress go! It's not worth it in the end. When something happens that forces you to almost live your days hour by hour, you have plenty of time to sort through all of the negative things and realize what matters most: family, friends and loved ones that support you no matter what!
Thank you for taking a moment to catch up with The Malone Family. We certainly appreciate it!! We love y'all!
Scott, Melissa & Luke :)
Today I would like to express how thankful I am for my husband Scott. If you don't know him very well then let me tell you about him. If ever there were someone who was put on Earth to save someone else it is surely Scott for me. Scott has taught me how to love who I am. He loves me for me. He makes me happy when I am at my lowest. He supports me in everything I do. He is the most wonderful husband a wife could have, the best friend someone could ask for and the best father in the world. Just earlier he was singing along to Jamey Johnson on vinyl playing on our record player. This is how I imagine life when I think of what perfect is for me. The only thing missing right now is Luke, but he will be home with us soon. We can't wait to play Luke's first song on vinyl for him and play a song on the guitar for him. January can not come quick enough!
This past month has really taught me things in life that I never thought I would be forced to learn or forced to realize. In 24 hours I had experienced fear, anger, hurt and love all at once. In the moment I laid eyes on my sweet little man I let go of every worry I had lingering in my head from the day before. Suddenly these things didn't seem important anymore. So all of the petty things that used to consume my mind, such as friends who weren't friends after all, classes I dreaded taking because I didn't feel like it, that one person at work who irritates the mess out of you ... these things didn't matter anymore.
So along with being thankful for having a new day each day to do great things, try to let worry and stress go! It's not worth it in the end. When something happens that forces you to almost live your days hour by hour, you have plenty of time to sort through all of the negative things and realize what matters most: family, friends and loved ones that support you no matter what!
Thank you for taking a moment to catch up with The Malone Family. We certainly appreciate it!! We love y'all!
Scott, Melissa & Luke :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
November Gives Thanks
Every November my minifeed gets blown up with Days of Thanks and days of NoShaveNovember. So with that being said I have challenged Scott to not shave for the month of November. HAH, we will see how long that lasts! ;) I am actually partaking in daily giving of thanks in November. There will be a rhyme and reason behind each thanks I give on that day. So without further adieu, on this 1st day of November 2012 I am so very thankful for my Mother. If you have not had the pleasure of meeting her then you must do so immediately! This lady single-handedly raised me to be the caring and emotional person I am today. She taught me love and how to love others. My mother is also one of the strongest women I know and admire. I like to think the goodness I do have inside came directly from her. And I am so happy to have her as Luke's Nana! I know they are going to do so many things together! And hopefully she will share her love with Luke like she did with me. Even though I haven't gotten the "real" opportunity yet to be Luke's Mommy, I hope that when the time comes I am just like my mom. I hope that I can protect him like she protected me and love him like she loved me and mold him into a perfect child like she did with me..... ok that took it too far right?! ;) Mama I love you so much and I am so proud to have a Nana like you for Luke!
Ok - on to Mr. Luke's publicity report for the day. ;)
There is quite a lot to talk about since I haven't written since he had surgery - a little over a week. Well Luke has taken his time with recovery and that is exactly what we want. He gets progressively better everyday. I will never stop praying for him and his friends in the hospital and all of the sweet nurses and doctors that are taking care of our special children. The first few days after surgery Luke had rough times. He had been sedated and paralyzed so much that it took a few days to just come out of his little coma. Slowly he came back to us. One finger would lift, a little later a whole foot would move, later his entire arm. But today he was on a roll with his "exercising" (this consists of an aerobic routine I feel sure I learned from Coach Dabbs in High School), goes like this : Left fist punch over Right fist punch over, works the sides I think... Then he does his leg exercises - mainly consists of extends and kickboxing. He's still working on them since he's waiting for the feeling to come back in his right toes completely. He's also the first to don a funny face at you. Today he stuck his tongue out at his Daddy at least 3 times. Must have thought he was elaborating on Venkman too much in the story. ;) His weight is indicating he is now 3 1/2 lbs, but we have to calculate swelling into that number as well.
Medically speaking Luke is getting there. He's on the road to where he needs to be. After he had that tummy surgery, his body sighed a major sigh of relief! Now we are just playing catch up. Trying to get my Bean back to his normal levels. No real updates right now. Will probably have more tomorrow for that. And I like this - means my sweet man may be on the road to chilling out until he gets to come home! Let's hope!!
Luke Personality Bits: Now for those of you reading this that really know me more than Scott I am afraid I have to say Luke has my personality. When the nurse sets his arm in place for an IV the minute she turns around he rolls his hand over. When the Respiratory Therapists come by to give him his breathing treatment he pitches a throw down fit then. The man just wants to hang out and sleep - hello just like his Mommy! Come to my house on a weekend and see if you don't catch the same action and 'tude. My little man sure does have it. All that fussing and punching and kicking and as soon as she changed his diaper and laid his blanket over him he was out like a light! That's most definitely my boy!
I am so very overwhelmed at the love and devotion shown to me and my family at the Fall Festival on 10/27. I am being as honest as I can be and it's coming from the depths of my heart and soul when I say THANK YOU! Thank you from all of us. Luke is a very special man already, he has so many beautiful guardian angels in Eatonton that have been watching over him and getting things together for him for his future. And we appreciate more than you know.
There's something to be said about living in a small town. Born and raised my entire life. I love my hometown always have and always will. I will be the first to stand and say "I am from Eatonton, Georgia and I will forever be a Putnam County Queen!" And for some who didn't have the privilege of experiencing life in a small town - well you missed out on something that stays with you forever. Your friendships may take different courses, you may move away but the country doesn't move out of your heart. I guess what I am trying to say is - having been married for the past 4 1/2 years and lived in Atlanta you lose touch with those that you had such close relationships with at one time. Even though we may all drift apart or away - drift off to our own routine - Wake, Eat, Daycare, Work, Daycare, Dinner, Playtime, Bathtime, Nighttime - the moment one of your own - no matter the amount of time that has passed since you have touched base - in that moment when we find that someone needs our love and support that we love so dearly from being "one of our own" we set out to help them the best way we can. And that everyone is compassion for each other at its best! And I can say without a doubt that Eatonton Georgia is full of a very rare sense of camaraderie amongst your fellow man. And that is why I love Eatonton and I will forever be proud of where I came from and I can't wait to take Luke to his very first Dairy Festival and meet all of his angels that never even knew existed for him!
I will leave like this - Please be thankful - not just for the month of November or for a fun little game, but be truly thankful every day of your life that you have lived to see another and you have so much to love and be thankful for. I did get a huge reality check on 10/4/12- one I was not expecting at all. And ever since that day I could name a million things I am thankful for and a million reasons to be thankful. Don't take each day for granted. Take it as the day you have been given to do something great with. I know I have been for the past 4 weeks. And it has given me a perspective that I never knew existed.
Love you all and thank you for taking a minute to check in on us! :)
Melissa, Scott & Luke
Ok - on to Mr. Luke's publicity report for the day. ;)
There is quite a lot to talk about since I haven't written since he had surgery - a little over a week. Well Luke has taken his time with recovery and that is exactly what we want. He gets progressively better everyday. I will never stop praying for him and his friends in the hospital and all of the sweet nurses and doctors that are taking care of our special children. The first few days after surgery Luke had rough times. He had been sedated and paralyzed so much that it took a few days to just come out of his little coma. Slowly he came back to us. One finger would lift, a little later a whole foot would move, later his entire arm. But today he was on a roll with his "exercising" (this consists of an aerobic routine I feel sure I learned from Coach Dabbs in High School), goes like this : Left fist punch over Right fist punch over, works the sides I think... Then he does his leg exercises - mainly consists of extends and kickboxing. He's still working on them since he's waiting for the feeling to come back in his right toes completely. He's also the first to don a funny face at you. Today he stuck his tongue out at his Daddy at least 3 times. Must have thought he was elaborating on Venkman too much in the story. ;) His weight is indicating he is now 3 1/2 lbs, but we have to calculate swelling into that number as well.
Medically speaking Luke is getting there. He's on the road to where he needs to be. After he had that tummy surgery, his body sighed a major sigh of relief! Now we are just playing catch up. Trying to get my Bean back to his normal levels. No real updates right now. Will probably have more tomorrow for that. And I like this - means my sweet man may be on the road to chilling out until he gets to come home! Let's hope!!
Luke Personality Bits: Now for those of you reading this that really know me more than Scott I am afraid I have to say Luke has my personality. When the nurse sets his arm in place for an IV the minute she turns around he rolls his hand over. When the Respiratory Therapists come by to give him his breathing treatment he pitches a throw down fit then. The man just wants to hang out and sleep - hello just like his Mommy! Come to my house on a weekend and see if you don't catch the same action and 'tude. My little man sure does have it. All that fussing and punching and kicking and as soon as she changed his diaper and laid his blanket over him he was out like a light! That's most definitely my boy!
I am so very overwhelmed at the love and devotion shown to me and my family at the Fall Festival on 10/27. I am being as honest as I can be and it's coming from the depths of my heart and soul when I say THANK YOU! Thank you from all of us. Luke is a very special man already, he has so many beautiful guardian angels in Eatonton that have been watching over him and getting things together for him for his future. And we appreciate more than you know.
There's something to be said about living in a small town. Born and raised my entire life. I love my hometown always have and always will. I will be the first to stand and say "I am from Eatonton, Georgia and I will forever be a Putnam County Queen!" And for some who didn't have the privilege of experiencing life in a small town - well you missed out on something that stays with you forever. Your friendships may take different courses, you may move away but the country doesn't move out of your heart. I guess what I am trying to say is - having been married for the past 4 1/2 years and lived in Atlanta you lose touch with those that you had such close relationships with at one time. Even though we may all drift apart or away - drift off to our own routine - Wake, Eat, Daycare, Work, Daycare, Dinner, Playtime, Bathtime, Nighttime - the moment one of your own - no matter the amount of time that has passed since you have touched base - in that moment when we find that someone needs our love and support that we love so dearly from being "one of our own" we set out to help them the best way we can. And that everyone is compassion for each other at its best! And I can say without a doubt that Eatonton Georgia is full of a very rare sense of camaraderie amongst your fellow man. And that is why I love Eatonton and I will forever be proud of where I came from and I can't wait to take Luke to his very first Dairy Festival and meet all of his angels that never even knew existed for him!
I will leave like this - Please be thankful - not just for the month of November or for a fun little game, but be truly thankful every day of your life that you have lived to see another and you have so much to love and be thankful for. I did get a huge reality check on 10/4/12- one I was not expecting at all. And ever since that day I could name a million things I am thankful for and a million reasons to be thankful. Don't take each day for granted. Take it as the day you have been given to do something great with. I know I have been for the past 4 weeks. And it has given me a perspective that I never knew existed.
Love you all and thank you for taking a minute to check in on us! :)
Melissa, Scott & Luke
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
These are the days ....
..... they warn you about in the beginning.
WOW. These last few days have been extremely happy and extremely sad. I almost don't know where to begin because the sad almost outweighs the happy.
Friday: Friday was a great day. I had been a little down in the dumps with minor things happening with Luke. To be honest I can't remember what they were now because like I said they were minor things in hindsight. My sweet cousin in law took me to lunch and we had a great afternoon together. I think she and I may be kindred spirits. She really made me feel much better. She took me to the hospital and the nurse let me have a whole afternoon of Kangaroo care.
It was amazing. Luke and I bonded for almost two hours. Isn't it funny to think of that? I get so excited about a two hour bonding session with my baby. It's very surreal. I just want to bring him home with me and be Kangaroos all day and night together. This Kangaroo care felt different from the first one. It was very soothing. I finally felt maternal. I felt like a real mother to my son. He laid over my heart and nuzzled me for two whole hours. It was so comforting to feel his little fingers grasping at my skin and feel his little toes wiggling against my chest. The nurses kept commenting on how amazing he was doing - he was holding his body temperature so well, in fact he was actually getting hot so they took his hat off and he was able to lose one blanket. I felt he was very content - I could actually feel it in my own body. I didn't want to give him back.
The minute they took him away I could feel my heart breaking a little. I think this must be what they mean when they say premature parents never take moments for granted in their child's life. I can't even fathom how it is going to feel when Luke comes home with me and I can hold him ANY time I want to and AS LONG as I want to. I know I am going to be so selfish with him - and I feel I deserve to be.
Mommy and Daddy had a little adult time on Friday night - we went to our friend's house and had dinner after we visited with Luke in the hospital. It was nice. It was good to interact with someone outside of a hospital. Another surreal moment - the first time you go out somewhere after giving birth and not have your baby with you to show off. You know you are a mother but don't feel like it because your baby is being taken care of by someone else.
Saturday: Luke had Grandparents day - my mom and dad and Scott's parents visited. It was very nice. Saturday wasn't all fun though - we got the results of Luke's second brain scan and the results were not what we were hoping for. The scan showed no change. Not bad news by any means but not the news we wanted either. The doctor said they would repeat the scan in one week and keep monitoring the progress. Luke was progressing very well with his feedings. He was almost to the max for his age when he was taken off feedings Monday. He also had the humidity taken off his bed because he was regulating his own body temperature. The nurses just couldn't believe his positive progress. I personally think it was from his Kangaroo time on Friday. It's very good for their development as well. I was starting to be more hopeful of this situation. I started to be somewhat content and accepting of the fact that my child was born prematurely but he will make it just fine. All he needs to do is grow.
Sunday: Scott and I had a good day Sunday with Luke. We went to visit with him and he was having a really good day. We went to the store and got him more blankets for his little pod home. Mom actually slept a little - things were starting to become a good routine for us. Luke was such a happy baby all weekend. He was very active, had his eyes open a lot and was actually following us with his eyes. He was a happy baby given the circumstances. He looked good and acted like he felt even better. Mommy and Daddy were very happy. Luke was showing great progress. He had all of his IV's out except for one central IV for labs. He was off all fluids because he was tolerating his feeds so well and his PICC line was removed since it was a delicate line and could be a source of infection.
Monday: Like usual, Monday started like every other weekday. Scott dropped me off at Northside before he went to work so I could spend the morning with Luke. When I got there I had a weird feeling about Luke. He wasn't opening his eyes much and when he would open his eyes he wouldn't look for me. He also wasn't very active - for those who have been lucky enough to meet Mr. Luke you know how constantly active he is. He is always kicking and moving his hands and arms around. But he wasn't doing any of that Monday. I also had my first meeting with the preemie counselor Monday. She was a very nice lady and she really helped me. She told me we could have weekly meetings together to talk about everything. But afterwards I felt a little distant because I had opened up so much to her and it was hard for me to express everything I have been feeling for the past two weeks. I just wanted to be with Luke alone.
When I got back to his bedside the nurse said his vitals were looking a little out of the usual. She had called the doctor to let her know what was going on. I didn't have a good feeling almost immediately. I didn't think it would turn out to be as serious as it did, I just thought he was maybe sick with an infection and would get better with medication. Within 30 minutes of the doctor checking him things got very scary very fast. When I went to look at him I noticed his stomach was very bloated and didn't look in proportion to the rest of his body. I was getting very worried so I let Scott know and he was there immediately. The doctor said she suspected it was a common illness most preemies get but that further tests would be run and that they would know more as soon as possible.
Scott and I went home until after shift change and went back up to Northside. The baby laying in that incubator when we went back that evening was not my baby that I left 3 hours earlier. Luke's stomach was so swollen and purple that I almost passed out when I saw him. He was lethargic. He didn't move at all. Luke had been suspended from feeding, hooked back up immediately to all of his IV's and X-ray'd in his abdomen for the source of his illness. The doctor diagnosed him with NEC -Necrotizing Enterocolitis - which is a disease affecting the bowels of premature infants. She said that he was beyond help from Northside's stand (they don't operate on babies there) and that he would have to be transported to Scottish Rite immediately to be assessed by a surgeon. The words NO PARENT ever wants to hear, whether your baby is full term or premature. They called the transport from Scottish Rite and everything went so fast from there.
He was given so much pain medicine to make him comfortable that he was like a zombie. It was the scariest time I have had with him so far - aside from his early arrival. He just stared at me with his beautiful eyes so full of pain and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Actually it broke my soul into. It was a pain you feel in the core of your body. He didn't blink, he didn't move his eyes, he just stared at me with the saddest face you could imagine. I have always read about this kind of pain. Gut wrenching pain that never feels like it will go away. Deep sobs from the pit of your stomach that don't even touch the beginning of what you are feeling. That is the moment my heart was broken and it still hasn't healed. I am not quite sure if it will heal until he comes home to me.
Everyone was so gentle and comforting during this time at Northside and Scottish Rite. I felt like I was drowning in anxiety and fear. I didn't know what was happening to my sweet baby and it was the most helpless I have ever been in my life. It was terrible. They set him up at Scottish and he was put on more pain medication, blood pressure medication, his ventilator settings were at the max they could be and his heart rate was 220 and above. My baby was suffering and there wasn't anything I could do to help him.
God how I wished I was laying there, more than ever, and taking all of this pain for him. Because he was so sick and going so fast he was getting blood drawn every hour almost to monitor his activity. His electrolytes were haywire, his kidneys were beginning to malfunction and they could not stabilize him. I sat there sobbing while a number of nurses tried to help make my son comfortable. They gave him blood, they gave him fluids, they gave him medicine, they gave him platelets, you name it they were doing it for Luke.
Around 1:30 am the surgeon came in to assess Luke. He said he felt the NEC was caught early enough to treat medically. He felt surgery was unnecessary at that point. That gave us a little relief. We thought our little boy will pull through this on his own and won't need any surgery.
Tuesday: We went to Scottish Rite as soon as we could Tuesday morning. We knew Luke would be assessed again soon by the surgeon to see if the medicine was working. When we got there we learned his NICU pod had been shut down for the moment. This scared me very much - I thought what has happened that I can't be with my sick baby? We soon learned that a baby in Luke's pod was passing.
The fear and sadness you feel when you hear that is one you will never be able to describe - and you hope no one would ever have to. I was so incredibly sad for that baby's family and so scared at the same time that it could be me at some point. It also scared me to be somewhere where that situation seemed almost normal. Not to make light of that baby's situation, I couldn't imagine and I don't want to, but while Luke was at Northside that just didn't happen to babies. I felt that a huge reality had just slapped me in the face - this may not be ok in the end. Things can go either way and it was the worst feeling in the world. You don't know every baby's situation or story when you come into a situation like this one, but you start to feel like every baby in the NICU is yours and you pray constantly for them like they are your own. So you feel other parent's sadness along with your own. The bonds and friendships you acquire from something like this are truly amazing.
When we were able to go be with Luke the surgeon came to assess him again. He said the X-rays looked the same but Luke was getting more sick and he couldn't figure out why. He didn't have all of the signs of NEC but he had the more common ones that indicate it's in the early stages still. While his tummy was so bloated, it remained soft and not hard. But everything was still going downhill, his breathing was plummeting and his kidneys were still acting up metabolically. He was still being checked around the clock when we went home Tuesday night.
Wednesday: This morning we received a call from Luke's surgeon. He said that Luke needed surgery. It wasn't a life or death matter, they just wanted to see what was causing him to be so sick. I thought my world had turned upside down. How could this be? Just 5 days ago I had a happy baby that was content and I was having bonding time with him. Now I have a baby sick enough for surgery!
Then Luke's Scottish doctor called with an update on his overall status and it was not good. During the night his arterial line collapsed and he lost a significant amount of circulation to his left foot. His toes had turned purple which indicated what happened to him to the nurses. The doctor said they weren't sure if they would be able to save his toes or not. More horrible news. We asked why this happened and she said it happens with arterial lines especially in preemies. I thought I couldn't get any lower. I laid in the bed and sobbed deep uncontrollable sobs from deep within. I couldn't believe what had happened to my baby in since Monday.
Luke went into surgery today at noon. Scott and I were able to walk all the way down to his OR room with him. The nurses let me hold his hand before he went back. When they wheeled my Luke away from me for major surgery I almost lost it. I felt numb from head to toe. It's true that a mom will always feel pain when their child is hurting. I cried to my mama and she just held me and cried with me. It's definitely an incredible bond. No matter your age or circumstance your mother will always feel pain when you do. There I was crying in pain over my child and my mother was crying in pain over her child.
Luke came out of surgery around 3:30 pm. His surgeon told us he did great during surgery. He also told us that Luke does NOT have NEC - thank you God for answered prayers! He said he had a blockage in his intestines from his meconium, which is the term for the baby's first poop. Poor man had been eating so much and not pooping enough to stay healthy. They did have to remove 1 cm of his intestines but that is much better than the outcome he could have had from NEC. The nurses were also very excited about the fact that Luke did so well during surgery.
You could tell an immediate difference in Luke. He looked like he felt better and his breathing got significantly lower, almost room air!! Even though it will take a while for Luke to recovery since he is so small he is expected to make a full recovery. This time when my sweet baby looked at me I felt he was looking at me to say "Don't worry Mommy, we are going to make it together"! His eyes didn't look like they weer full of hurt anymore.
Luke still has a long road ahead. In 6 weeks he will have another surgery to reconnect the intestines. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I am very thankful for what today brought in the end.
I thank each person that prayed for Luke and us, came to support us during the surgery, shared Luke's story on their own Facebook when they certainly don't have to, asked for their friends to pray for him and just everyone's support in general.
I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have the support everyone has shown me and my family during this time. It is so appreciated. It is amazing how dreams change in the blink of an eye. One month ago I was dreaming of what it would be like to come home with Luke in January and let him meet Peaches for the first time. Now I am imagining what it will be like to have consecutive good days for Luke in the NICU.
I love each person rooting for my sweet Luke thank you each one so much!!!
WOW. These last few days have been extremely happy and extremely sad. I almost don't know where to begin because the sad almost outweighs the happy.
Friday: Friday was a great day. I had been a little down in the dumps with minor things happening with Luke. To be honest I can't remember what they were now because like I said they were minor things in hindsight. My sweet cousin in law took me to lunch and we had a great afternoon together. I think she and I may be kindred spirits. She really made me feel much better. She took me to the hospital and the nurse let me have a whole afternoon of Kangaroo care.
It was amazing. Luke and I bonded for almost two hours. Isn't it funny to think of that? I get so excited about a two hour bonding session with my baby. It's very surreal. I just want to bring him home with me and be Kangaroos all day and night together. This Kangaroo care felt different from the first one. It was very soothing. I finally felt maternal. I felt like a real mother to my son. He laid over my heart and nuzzled me for two whole hours. It was so comforting to feel his little fingers grasping at my skin and feel his little toes wiggling against my chest. The nurses kept commenting on how amazing he was doing - he was holding his body temperature so well, in fact he was actually getting hot so they took his hat off and he was able to lose one blanket. I felt he was very content - I could actually feel it in my own body. I didn't want to give him back.
The minute they took him away I could feel my heart breaking a little. I think this must be what they mean when they say premature parents never take moments for granted in their child's life. I can't even fathom how it is going to feel when Luke comes home with me and I can hold him ANY time I want to and AS LONG as I want to. I know I am going to be so selfish with him - and I feel I deserve to be.
Mommy and Daddy had a little adult time on Friday night - we went to our friend's house and had dinner after we visited with Luke in the hospital. It was nice. It was good to interact with someone outside of a hospital. Another surreal moment - the first time you go out somewhere after giving birth and not have your baby with you to show off. You know you are a mother but don't feel like it because your baby is being taken care of by someone else.
Saturday: Luke had Grandparents day - my mom and dad and Scott's parents visited. It was very nice. Saturday wasn't all fun though - we got the results of Luke's second brain scan and the results were not what we were hoping for. The scan showed no change. Not bad news by any means but not the news we wanted either. The doctor said they would repeat the scan in one week and keep monitoring the progress. Luke was progressing very well with his feedings. He was almost to the max for his age when he was taken off feedings Monday. He also had the humidity taken off his bed because he was regulating his own body temperature. The nurses just couldn't believe his positive progress. I personally think it was from his Kangaroo time on Friday. It's very good for their development as well. I was starting to be more hopeful of this situation. I started to be somewhat content and accepting of the fact that my child was born prematurely but he will make it just fine. All he needs to do is grow.
Sunday: Scott and I had a good day Sunday with Luke. We went to visit with him and he was having a really good day. We went to the store and got him more blankets for his little pod home. Mom actually slept a little - things were starting to become a good routine for us. Luke was such a happy baby all weekend. He was very active, had his eyes open a lot and was actually following us with his eyes. He was a happy baby given the circumstances. He looked good and acted like he felt even better. Mommy and Daddy were very happy. Luke was showing great progress. He had all of his IV's out except for one central IV for labs. He was off all fluids because he was tolerating his feeds so well and his PICC line was removed since it was a delicate line and could be a source of infection.
Monday: Like usual, Monday started like every other weekday. Scott dropped me off at Northside before he went to work so I could spend the morning with Luke. When I got there I had a weird feeling about Luke. He wasn't opening his eyes much and when he would open his eyes he wouldn't look for me. He also wasn't very active - for those who have been lucky enough to meet Mr. Luke you know how constantly active he is. He is always kicking and moving his hands and arms around. But he wasn't doing any of that Monday. I also had my first meeting with the preemie counselor Monday. She was a very nice lady and she really helped me. She told me we could have weekly meetings together to talk about everything. But afterwards I felt a little distant because I had opened up so much to her and it was hard for me to express everything I have been feeling for the past two weeks. I just wanted to be with Luke alone.
When I got back to his bedside the nurse said his vitals were looking a little out of the usual. She had called the doctor to let her know what was going on. I didn't have a good feeling almost immediately. I didn't think it would turn out to be as serious as it did, I just thought he was maybe sick with an infection and would get better with medication. Within 30 minutes of the doctor checking him things got very scary very fast. When I went to look at him I noticed his stomach was very bloated and didn't look in proportion to the rest of his body. I was getting very worried so I let Scott know and he was there immediately. The doctor said she suspected it was a common illness most preemies get but that further tests would be run and that they would know more as soon as possible.
Scott and I went home until after shift change and went back up to Northside. The baby laying in that incubator when we went back that evening was not my baby that I left 3 hours earlier. Luke's stomach was so swollen and purple that I almost passed out when I saw him. He was lethargic. He didn't move at all. Luke had been suspended from feeding, hooked back up immediately to all of his IV's and X-ray'd in his abdomen for the source of his illness. The doctor diagnosed him with NEC -Necrotizing Enterocolitis - which is a disease affecting the bowels of premature infants. She said that he was beyond help from Northside's stand (they don't operate on babies there) and that he would have to be transported to Scottish Rite immediately to be assessed by a surgeon. The words NO PARENT ever wants to hear, whether your baby is full term or premature. They called the transport from Scottish Rite and everything went so fast from there.
He was given so much pain medicine to make him comfortable that he was like a zombie. It was the scariest time I have had with him so far - aside from his early arrival. He just stared at me with his beautiful eyes so full of pain and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Actually it broke my soul into. It was a pain you feel in the core of your body. He didn't blink, he didn't move his eyes, he just stared at me with the saddest face you could imagine. I have always read about this kind of pain. Gut wrenching pain that never feels like it will go away. Deep sobs from the pit of your stomach that don't even touch the beginning of what you are feeling. That is the moment my heart was broken and it still hasn't healed. I am not quite sure if it will heal until he comes home to me.
Everyone was so gentle and comforting during this time at Northside and Scottish Rite. I felt like I was drowning in anxiety and fear. I didn't know what was happening to my sweet baby and it was the most helpless I have ever been in my life. It was terrible. They set him up at Scottish and he was put on more pain medication, blood pressure medication, his ventilator settings were at the max they could be and his heart rate was 220 and above. My baby was suffering and there wasn't anything I could do to help him.
God how I wished I was laying there, more than ever, and taking all of this pain for him. Because he was so sick and going so fast he was getting blood drawn every hour almost to monitor his activity. His electrolytes were haywire, his kidneys were beginning to malfunction and they could not stabilize him. I sat there sobbing while a number of nurses tried to help make my son comfortable. They gave him blood, they gave him fluids, they gave him medicine, they gave him platelets, you name it they were doing it for Luke.
Around 1:30 am the surgeon came in to assess Luke. He said he felt the NEC was caught early enough to treat medically. He felt surgery was unnecessary at that point. That gave us a little relief. We thought our little boy will pull through this on his own and won't need any surgery.
Tuesday: We went to Scottish Rite as soon as we could Tuesday morning. We knew Luke would be assessed again soon by the surgeon to see if the medicine was working. When we got there we learned his NICU pod had been shut down for the moment. This scared me very much - I thought what has happened that I can't be with my sick baby? We soon learned that a baby in Luke's pod was passing.
The fear and sadness you feel when you hear that is one you will never be able to describe - and you hope no one would ever have to. I was so incredibly sad for that baby's family and so scared at the same time that it could be me at some point. It also scared me to be somewhere where that situation seemed almost normal. Not to make light of that baby's situation, I couldn't imagine and I don't want to, but while Luke was at Northside that just didn't happen to babies. I felt that a huge reality had just slapped me in the face - this may not be ok in the end. Things can go either way and it was the worst feeling in the world. You don't know every baby's situation or story when you come into a situation like this one, but you start to feel like every baby in the NICU is yours and you pray constantly for them like they are your own. So you feel other parent's sadness along with your own. The bonds and friendships you acquire from something like this are truly amazing.
When we were able to go be with Luke the surgeon came to assess him again. He said the X-rays looked the same but Luke was getting more sick and he couldn't figure out why. He didn't have all of the signs of NEC but he had the more common ones that indicate it's in the early stages still. While his tummy was so bloated, it remained soft and not hard. But everything was still going downhill, his breathing was plummeting and his kidneys were still acting up metabolically. He was still being checked around the clock when we went home Tuesday night.
Wednesday: This morning we received a call from Luke's surgeon. He said that Luke needed surgery. It wasn't a life or death matter, they just wanted to see what was causing him to be so sick. I thought my world had turned upside down. How could this be? Just 5 days ago I had a happy baby that was content and I was having bonding time with him. Now I have a baby sick enough for surgery!
Then Luke's Scottish doctor called with an update on his overall status and it was not good. During the night his arterial line collapsed and he lost a significant amount of circulation to his left foot. His toes had turned purple which indicated what happened to him to the nurses. The doctor said they weren't sure if they would be able to save his toes or not. More horrible news. We asked why this happened and she said it happens with arterial lines especially in preemies. I thought I couldn't get any lower. I laid in the bed and sobbed deep uncontrollable sobs from deep within. I couldn't believe what had happened to my baby in since Monday.
Luke went into surgery today at noon. Scott and I were able to walk all the way down to his OR room with him. The nurses let me hold his hand before he went back. When they wheeled my Luke away from me for major surgery I almost lost it. I felt numb from head to toe. It's true that a mom will always feel pain when their child is hurting. I cried to my mama and she just held me and cried with me. It's definitely an incredible bond. No matter your age or circumstance your mother will always feel pain when you do. There I was crying in pain over my child and my mother was crying in pain over her child.
Luke came out of surgery around 3:30 pm. His surgeon told us he did great during surgery. He also told us that Luke does NOT have NEC - thank you God for answered prayers! He said he had a blockage in his intestines from his meconium, which is the term for the baby's first poop. Poor man had been eating so much and not pooping enough to stay healthy. They did have to remove 1 cm of his intestines but that is much better than the outcome he could have had from NEC. The nurses were also very excited about the fact that Luke did so well during surgery.
You could tell an immediate difference in Luke. He looked like he felt better and his breathing got significantly lower, almost room air!! Even though it will take a while for Luke to recovery since he is so small he is expected to make a full recovery. This time when my sweet baby looked at me I felt he was looking at me to say "Don't worry Mommy, we are going to make it together"! His eyes didn't look like they weer full of hurt anymore.
Luke still has a long road ahead. In 6 weeks he will have another surgery to reconnect the intestines. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I am very thankful for what today brought in the end.
I thank each person that prayed for Luke and us, came to support us during the surgery, shared Luke's story on their own Facebook when they certainly don't have to, asked for their friends to pray for him and just everyone's support in general.
I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have the support everyone has shown me and my family during this time. It is so appreciated. It is amazing how dreams change in the blink of an eye. One month ago I was dreaming of what it would be like to come home with Luke in January and let him meet Peaches for the first time. Now I am imagining what it will be like to have consecutive good days for Luke in the NICU.
I love each person rooting for my sweet Luke thank you each one so much!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
2 Weeks For Little Man!
Luke is 2 weeks old today! He is having a great past few days! I know it is because of the prayers he constantly receives. So please don't stop!
Luke is so funny - he's got loads of personality. He kicks back on his tempur-pedic bed and just hangs out all day. It's the cutest thing. And when he opens his eyes it is almost like he's getting on to us for disturbing his relaxation time. He's also a strong little booger - his nurse told us tonight that he has pulled his breathing tube out 4 times since he was born. I think he's trying to let everyone know he's tired of that thing. LOL!
Luke's doctor told me today that he's doing good. That makes me feel good, you know doctor's don't want to raise false hopes and things of that nature, so I feel that for her to tell us he's doing good then he's really doing good. Tomorrow they are trying him without his breathing tube - let's please pray and hope that goes well for him and he can stay off the ventilator! Also he will have his second brain scan tomorrow - prayers that gets positive results.
He's doing really well with his feedings, they have increased them even more and he's doing so well! His weight tonight is 1lb 14.5oz!! Baby Luke is packing on the oz's, haha! ;) He's going potty #1 and #2 very well. He's pooping with a suppository but he's pooping when he gets them so that is all good!
Still having some troubles with his blood cultures. The retest came back positive after 72 hours and his third retest came back positive after 36 hours. The doctor remains pretty confident it's because of a skin bacteria contamination, but he's staying on the antibiotics until they stay negative through the entire test period. Poor baby. Keep the prayers coming that we can get this figured out for little man!
Mommy had a good day today! I spent the morning with Luke and it made me feel good. His doctor also helped me get in contact with some counseling for parents with premature babies. I am actually looking forward to talking with this counselor. I am sure it will benefit me greatly. I had a pretty good night's sleep last night - I am guessing almost 6 hours, which has been the most since I left the hospital. I actually fixed my hair and put on some makeup today too. This may seem like nothing, but for me this is pretty huge because I haven't felt like doing anything near that since I came home. Little by little, I am getting better.
I am so thankful for all of the friends and family that have supported us during this hard time. I appreciate everything so much!! Words will never be able to fully describe it! Here are some pics from the past couple days that I haven't had time to upload. Mostly pics of sweet Luke, his awesome first Halloween outfit, and some pics from his 2 week birthday party today. :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
What is Love?
Today was one of the happiest days of my life! Luke and I experienced our first Kangaroo Care session and it went absolutely perfect! It was the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. The love for this sweet little man grows more and more!
Kangaroo Care is skin to skin contact for Mommy and Daddy both where baby can lay on your heart and hear the heartbeat and other body sounds they heard while they were inside the womb. This helps baby a great deal in development because they feel like they are still on the inside. And of course it gives Mommy and Daddy the contact they crave.
I was very surprised to be able to do this so quickly. We thought we wouldn't be able to experience skin to skin until he at least had his breathing tube out. But his nurse today said he has had such good days lately that skin to skin could be just what he needs to keep up the progress. Mommy loves hearing this because she loves skin to skin for her own selfish reasons too. Another dream come true today - snuggling with my sweet baby boy! Words will never describe the happiness I experienced today.
LUKE UPDATE:
Luke is doing amazing! Little man is going potty so well now that he's on his steroids!! YAY! He's also decreasing on his ventilator settings, little by little each day - AWESOME! The steroids may make him feel grumpy but if he continues progressing so well then we can have more Kangaroo times and this can only make him feel better.
He is tolerating his feedings - so much so that they increased him another 1/2 cc's today! He's pooping too - with the help of suppositories, but he's going when needed and that is awesome! Now sweet man will start putting on the lbs and this makes Mommy and Daddy very very happy! Grow baby grow!! He's my little BEAN-stalk. ;)
We still need the prayers for a positive report on his brain scan Friday!! The thought of him having surgery on his brain scares me to death and I certainly don't want him to have to experience anymore pain or discomfort than the poor baby already has to go through daily.
Like I said previously, Luke tolerated Kangaroo Care very very nicely!! His vitals stayed strong and steady the entire time! This obviously makes us very happy, he's making steady improvements.
He's having a little malfunction with his ports. He keeps getting a positive bacteria reading from the port in his PICC line. The doctor says she isn't concerned with this because she's fairly confident it is a contamination of the port site as opposed to him having an actual infection. Prayers for this please!!!! We don't want him to have to be on antibiotics unless necessary since the antibiotics can destroy his good bacteria as well. We want his immune system to stay as well as it can right now.
I have to share a few stories with everyone that has given me a little more peace in the last couple days. Last night the NICU staff had a pizza/pasta party for the parents of NICU babies. It was very nice! While we were eating during shift change, the nicest older lady talked to us. She assured us that we were in the right place and Luke was in the most capable hands. She had a nephew born a preemie and he is now a very grown man in college and doing very well. This gave me hope for Luke. She also took out a little piece of paper and got our names and Luke's and told us she would put us in her nightly prayers. She also gave me a big hug and comforted me when I got upset telling her our story. She was almost like a little angel sitting there waiting to encourage us with her sweet words and actions.
We also met another preemie mom who had her daughter at 24 weeks as well. Her daughter had been in the NICU for 3 - 4 months and was looking at another month in. She weighed 3 lbs. I thought to myself - this mother has been doing this for that long! And she was as strong as I hope to be one day! She gave me some awesome advice for dealing with everything. I hope her daughter can go home to her Mommy soon.
Yesterday Luke got a new neighbor. He's just born at 27 weeks. Last night while we were visiting, Scott and I saw his Daddy for the first time. He looked very scared and worried. He didn't stay long. Tonight we saw him again and I introduced us to him right away. I gave him the encouraging words I felt he needed - and it made me feel good! I told him even though we are still new at everything in the NICU, we know what he feels right now at this very moment. I think we comforted him. And this made me feel GOOD!!! I hope he could feel our sincerity. I told him I would keep his baby boy in my prayers along with my sweet Luke and every other family and their babies that are in NICU.
Even though today was a most awesome day, I am still preparing myself for the bad news. And that may never come. I hope and pray it doesn't. But I want to be prepared if it does.
Luke has some amazing people rooting for him - and I can't thank everyone enough! One day when this is all a distant memory and my Luke is a big and strong young man, I will tell him about everything that got him where is at. And I know he will be appreciative because I will never allow him to be anything otherwise. The saying is true - "It takes a village to raise a child" and every one of you have proven this to be true! We appreciate every single kind word, positive thought and vibe, prayer, story of encouragement, and effort made by so many people to make sure Luke is taken care of!
Scott has been taking me in the morning to the hospital and coming back at lunch to spend time with Luke and take me back home until he gets off work and we can go back for the night time routine. I love this routine! Every second I spend with that sweet baby, the better I feel. Even if I am sitting there with him in an incubator, things could be worse. Things can always be better and worse. So I am taking it hour by hour still but every hour I am still thanking God that Luke is doing as well as he is.
Below are some pics I have from the past few days of bonding times with Luke! I hope everyone enjoys, and again thank you so much for taking a minute to check in on my sweet baby Luke and his progress so far!!
Daddy changing Luke's diaper.
Touch time with Luke and Daddy! Grasping his finger!
Daddy/Luke bonding time.
Luke just hanging out! ;)
Mommy changing Luke's diaper - notice those frog legs below, they look like Mommy's! :P
Luke loves his tummy time!!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Hard Day's Night
I haven't written in a couple of days because so much has been going on. Scott went back to work yesterday so I have been getting shuttled to and from the hospital since I can't drive again yet. So between special visits from truly loved friends and my shuttle to and from the hospital and school it's been hard for me to write. Plus - Mommy has slept about 4 hours each night since Saturday! It's getting a little better!
LUKE UPDATE:
Sweet baby Luke is good! Everything he has had issues with has been normal preemie stuff according to the doctor so that's always good to hear! He had another scan of his heart yesterday (10/15/12) and the medicine worked! Luke's valve is significantly smaller and as he grows it will get smaller and eventually close on its own! This is wonderful news! So he won't have to take anymore medicine for that nor will he even have to have anymore scans of his heart.
His feedings have been increased in amount, which is great! He's being fed every 3 hours and now he's getting 1 1/2 cc's of milk. This makes Mommy very happy!! The downside is that he isn't urinating enough for the amount he's eating. The doctor said his Adrenal gland is not working properly (which is very normal for preemies) but that it's fixable. Those steroids I mentioned earlier that they want to start for his lungs will also jump start his adrenal gland. So instead of waiting until his two week birthday, which would be this Thursday, they went ahead and started them today. This is good news because this is jump starting his lung development and hopefully he can be weened off of the ventilator sooner! He is going to be grumpy while he is on the steroids, but they are going to be good for him in the long run. He will take these steroids for twelve days - hopefully in those twelve days he will be off his ventilator and going potty like he should! Prayers, please, this happens!!! Luke needs lots of prayers right now.
He will have his second brain scan this week as well. I am worried sick over it, I pray to God every second it enters my mind that he gets a good report from his brain scan and that he will be ok in the future! Please continue praying for this! I can't stress how important these prayers are to my family and myself. They keep me getting up every morning at least.
Luke is the most beautiful little man I have ever laid eyes on. I love him so much and I wish and hope and pray so much for him on his long journey to coming home. I can't believe it has already been two weeks since Luke came into this world. It has been the best two weeks of my life because my sweet little angel is here and I have experienced a whole new love I never could have imagined existed. But it has also been the worst two weeks of my life as well. And I am sure you could all imagine how it could be.
Mommy needs many many prayers right now please. I am having an extremely tough time accepting that this just happened and it is what it is and I can't change it. I am very very sad and hurt. I am angry as well. I am trying to take everything one step at a time. Day by day is not even helping me anymore. I will take this hour by hour now. I read encouraging words from loved ones and it helps for a little while then I spiral back into my sadness. Every time I think of my baby and the fact that I have to drive to a hospital and ask permission to come into the NICU just to look at him makes me so mad and sad. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to cuddle with him every time I think of him. And I can't. I cry, cry, cry, cry. I am really ready for this to get better for me because I can't be strong for my baby if I am in such horrible shape myself. I am eat up with worry. I worry about everything. I can't be any other way right now. WORRY! It's why I can barely eat, barely sleep, cry all the time. I am so worried that my sweet baby is going to have problems that I can't solve for him.
I read an article today about a little girl that is missing because her caregiver ran into a gym and when they came out the car was stolen with the little girl in it. Really? REALLY? This is what I mean when I say - IT IS NOT FAIR. And it makes me so mad, I can't even describe how mad it makes me. I can't touch my child and some people are out there and they aren't even concerned about the well being of their own child.
I know I am not the only person that is going through this - nor am I the only person who has ever been through this. And I am not ungrateful for the progress and positive news for Luke, not one bit. I am just so scared to get my hopes up just to be disappointed when something does happen.
I never thought of myself as a mother. Honestly, I never thought I would have children. I was content with Scott and the cats and dogs. But getting pregnant and having a child grow inside you - from you - is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Then having them come into the world in less than desirable conditions rips you into a million pieces. I have never loved like I love him. I think that is why I am so full of sadness and anger. I wish I could trade places with him. I wish I could get poked every time they need blood, I wish I had to live with a breathing tube down my throat. I wish I had to go through all of these things that Luke has to go through every day just to be here. I wish he could live effortlessly like me and I would gladly take all the pain and discomfort he has to endure daily just so he could be happy and healthy and satisfied. I just love him more than words can describe and even as I write this I am in tears. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.
I wish I could hibernate until January. I wish I could close my eyes and when I wake up my baby boy will be in my arms, in our home, with Scott and the animals. I absolutely can not wait until that day. I can not wait until sweet Luke is here with me and he doesn't have to be put through the things he does anymore.
Scott told me today I was a great mother when he left me at the hospital. I don't feel like a mother. I feel like I carried this child for 24 weeks and now he's in someone else's hands, more capable hands, better hands than my own and they are taking care of him. I am just there in the background watching someone else care for my child because I can't. My body couldn't even hold him until he was full term. Again, this makes me extremely mad.
Again, I will always say this - please love your babies with all you can. Be so so thankful that you don't have to go through what I am. Don't take anything for granted. Everything your babies do, enjoy every moment of it!! Be grateful that you don't have to wait to hold your baby, you don't have to sit at the hospital all day every day and watch your baby through an incubator, you don't have to worry about every buzz and ding that goes off on his monitor, you don't have to have daily consults with a doctor on how your baby is doing for that day. Just be thankful for every minute you have with your children.
Thank you for continuing to support us, pray for sweet Luke and encourage our family in so many different ways. We truly appreciate it. Please keep praying for Luke, he is our special little man and he means so much to us.
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