“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.” ― Paulo Coelho
Well, here I am, again, just like last year, when my last post appeared on this blog. This year is different though. Where last year I almost couldn't stop myself from writing all of my thoughts and feelings, this year I'm at a loss for words. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not from a lack of words - and those of you who know me quite well, know that's almost impossible; however, it's more what's left to say? Still hurt - check. Still sad - check. Still mad - check. Although considerably less than last year, my excellent days far exceed the bad, those emotions haven't gone anywhere that's for sure. But, who wants to sound like a broken record, honestly?
I have been going to therapy - which has helped me far beyond what I can express in words, which is why I think I have stopped writing for the most part, but now my therapist is encouraging it. So here I am. But here I am with a huge writers block - not from a lack of material, but a lack of NEW material. So what I thought I may do in this post is write to Luke on his birthday and tell him all of the things I have been wanting to say - to him. So, here goes.
My Sweet Luke,
Today you would have been two years old! I imagine you would have been such a big boy! I read that at two a child begins to learn independence. Mommy doesn't know if that would have went well for her - how could she have let you get away from her?! They have this label called "terrible twos", which I like to think, "not my child", but I am sure even your precious self would have succumb to the label as well. This is because you would have learned how to start expressing emotions - those good and bad ones. And you would have started potty training. That seems like so much to start learning after your second birthday!
I think about the things you are missing out on, Luke, and I wonder why you had to leave so soon. You definitely experienced more in your 38 days than some do in a lifetime, that is for sure, but the little things you have missed are what I think of at times. Your first words - what would they have been? I want to say Mommy - I am sure your Daddy would like to think Dadda, but like his first word was "clock", I am sure yours would have been something just as random as that! Maybe doggy since you would have had some to play with. When would you have taken your first steps? Heck, when would you have rolled over for the first time or started sitting up by yourself?
Mommy and Daddy moved to Texas this year and we love it. We miss Georgia though. We also got a new dog named Jackson. We rescued him from a shelter that was going to put him down otherwise. We gave him another chance at life. I like to think you are very proud of us for saving him - and just like you taught us so much sweet boy, Jackson has too. I wish you were here with us to experience Texas. Your Daddy and I miss you so much and we talk about you all the time. I don't you want you to think we would ever stop. Never my love.
We get asked all the time, "So do y'all have any kids?", especially since moving to a new area, beginning new jobs and meeting new people, it seems to be the first question to ask - which is okay, we understand. But it's hard, how do we answer this? We don't presently have kids with us no, but we have you, you're just not with us in the physical sense. That's a mouthful and unfortunately considered a "bummer" to say to someone when meeting them for the first time, so what do we say? We both feel bad answering "no" because it's simply not true, but what do you do?
Luke, you are so blessed to have so many people that love you! All these people reached out to Mommy and Daddy today to send birthday wishes for you and to let us know they were thinking of us. It's really overwhelming. It's been two years and we still have such a strong support system, it's amazing. You are so loved my baby and I am so happy. If there's one thing you accomplished in your short little life, you touched so many hearts and that's just amazing.
I thought of the last time we had kangaroo time, before you got so sick with your tummy, the other day. I could have held you forever, and ironically enough, though not in the flesh, I do hold you in my heart forever, in the same spot you laid for hours that day. I remember the nurse telling me how much you loved it because your levels were so good and you were so content. I was too. Sometimes when I am asked to think of my happy place, that's where I go. When it was just you and I, alone during our special kangaroo time, with nothing else in the world happening but that. That's my happy place baby boy. Maybe its yours too. Maybe if death is a dream - or a constant replaying memory - it's that one for you. I hope it's something as special. It could be the time you and your Daddy held hands and he told you stories about Ghostbusters. That was a pretty awesome time too.
I will always love and miss you my sweet baby Luke. I will never understand why you were taken from us, but I will cherish the time you were here and I will never take time for granted because I know how precious it is - and how quickly it can be gone. I hope the celebration was a good one and know that you are always our little bean.
We love you,
Mommy & Daddy
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Friday, October 4, 2013
Scars are Souvenirs (You Never Lose)
“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” - Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
It has been one year since Luke blessed us with his presence. 365 days. Over 8,000 hours. Countless minutes. Agonizing seconds. To say time flies would be a severe understatement. I still smell the hospital room. I still feel the compression stockings. Inflating, deflating. It feels like yesterday. Not a year ago. They say time heals all wounds, and I am sure that is true, but today the wounds did not heal. Instead, they opened back up, as fresh as they were 365 days ago.
It's so hard to believe this is my life now. It's surreal to acknowledge the fact that one year ago today my life changed drastically. See, today, being Luke's birthday, I should be planning a birthday party for him. While I was pregnant I had already imagined these things for Luke. I had envisioned his theme would either be baseball or NASCAR. All of his beloved family would be there as he "smashes" his cake. Everyone would see the gifts he would get. He would have such a big day! Later in the night we would hug Luke and tell him how much we love him before tucking him in tight for sweet dreams. This was my dream. He would be our little man.
But instead, Scott and I went to the cemetery this morning to "celebrate" (mourn) Luke's birthday. Pretty morbid, huh? You are probably thinking, "You shouldn't say things like that" or "You shouldn't feel that way". Well this is my reality. I will never have that party for Luke. He will never know what it feels like to wake up on the day of his birthday full of excitement. We won't tuck him in tonight and tell him how much we love him. We had to say that through 6 feet of Earth at the cemetery. Do I sound bitter? Yes, I do. And I am aware. But I feel I am justified in these feelings today. After all, this is nearing the end of the year of "firsts". All we have next would be the anniversary of his death. We've been through the holidays, his due date, other pregnancies and births, and even loss some friends of ours. I've been attempting to prepare myself for this day for quite some time. And yet it turned out to be nothing like I had thought it would be. I am more bitter than I thought I would be. Less emotional, I've only cried twice. Way more painful than I anticipated. My heart has fluttered all day. My stomach has stayed in knots.
I have so much amazing support that I am almost ashamed of the way I feel. So many shoulders to cry on, ears to bend and hands to hold. Surely this isn't how a strong woman who has been through what I have acts. She's more peaceful and serene. She's not bitter, she's thankful. Ugh nothing could be further from the truth. I won't beat myself up too much over it, after all this is the first year. I know that over time pain fades, but the scars are forever. But I have to express myself through this outlet so I don't bottleneck the emotions and explode one day. Oh - speaking of scars - my little reminder from last year has finally faded enough that I don't notice it every day. Hey, that's improvement!
Last night Scott and I went to the Braves game. We had so much fun. But through the entire game all I could think of was Luke. How much he would have enjoyed going. I saw so many families with their babies and children. And I couldn't help but think to myself how much they appreciated what they have. One baby was squirming and her mother looked highly annoyed with her. I wish I had Luke to squirm around on me. Oh if I had Luke I would never let him go. It's natural, I know. Every single moment of parenthood is not rainbows and butterflies. I also understand that until someone experiences something like I have, they will never really know what it feels like to be without. And it's totally not anyone's fault. I can't expect everyone to know how heartbreaking it can be to watch someone's child grow and be happy and healthy.
This past year has held some of the happiest days of my life (seeing Luke for the first time, our first touch, holding him, Kangaroo time) and some of the darkest (losing Luke and the couple of moths afterwards). Through it all I have learned one thing - life goes on. For others looking in on Scott and I it's just another day. Another 8 hours at work. Another trip to the grocery store. Another day at school. But for us it's the day that time officially stood still in our life. I don't want to sound 100% bitter because I'm not. I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. Things I never knew I could do. I could make it through things I never imagined having to face. I have come to appreciate so many things that before Luke I would have never thought twice about. I have made friends that if not for Luke I would have never met. I have truly been able to look at life through a different set of eyes, and although the circumstances of this are ones that I would never wish on my worst enemy, that very few people will ever have the opportunity to do. I have looked through the eyes of a person that never thought it would happen to me to the eyes of someone that takes time to learn something from every situation I find myself in.
I love my husband so much more than I ever have. It's a new love. I have seen him become a wonderful father and my rock during hard times. Every day I find something new to fall in love with him about. I am so grateful for him. He's seen me at my absolute worst and yet he still loves me. Some couples don't make it through a tragic event like this. I am thankful that Scott and I only became closer.
Probably the biggest battle I have fought in the last 6 months would be whether or not children will eventually be a part of our life. Some days I wish for 2 or 3 children and other days the thought makes me ill. I know when the time is right things will fall into place the way they were meant to. And the things that fall into place may or may not include children. Time will tell that.
I celebrated 5 years of marriage with Scott this year. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last - I mean we did run off and elope after 2 months of seeing each other. But here we are celebrating the first of many milestones to come in our marriage. I also lost my sweet grandmother this year. That was really hard for me. She was the only grandparent I had left and the only grandparent I spent so much of my life with. It's actually a bit odd - I lost the youngest person in my life and the oldest this year. It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I will never talk to my grandmother again. No more trips to Statesboro. No more stories of Bingo and craft time. But I know she is in Heaven with my Aunt Joyce (her sister) and Luke, her son James that passed as a teenager, the rest of her siblings and family and most importantly she is reunited with her love, my Papa, JW. She's finally at peace and reunited with all of her loved ones.
Thank you for taking a moment to check in with us. Thank you all for remembering Luke, you will never know how much that means to us.
Xoxo,
Melissa
It has been one year since Luke blessed us with his presence. 365 days. Over 8,000 hours. Countless minutes. Agonizing seconds. To say time flies would be a severe understatement. I still smell the hospital room. I still feel the compression stockings. Inflating, deflating. It feels like yesterday. Not a year ago. They say time heals all wounds, and I am sure that is true, but today the wounds did not heal. Instead, they opened back up, as fresh as they were 365 days ago.
It's so hard to believe this is my life now. It's surreal to acknowledge the fact that one year ago today my life changed drastically. See, today, being Luke's birthday, I should be planning a birthday party for him. While I was pregnant I had already imagined these things for Luke. I had envisioned his theme would either be baseball or NASCAR. All of his beloved family would be there as he "smashes" his cake. Everyone would see the gifts he would get. He would have such a big day! Later in the night we would hug Luke and tell him how much we love him before tucking him in tight for sweet dreams. This was my dream. He would be our little man.
But instead, Scott and I went to the cemetery this morning to "celebrate" (mourn) Luke's birthday. Pretty morbid, huh? You are probably thinking, "You shouldn't say things like that" or "You shouldn't feel that way". Well this is my reality. I will never have that party for Luke. He will never know what it feels like to wake up on the day of his birthday full of excitement. We won't tuck him in tonight and tell him how much we love him. We had to say that through 6 feet of Earth at the cemetery. Do I sound bitter? Yes, I do. And I am aware. But I feel I am justified in these feelings today. After all, this is nearing the end of the year of "firsts". All we have next would be the anniversary of his death. We've been through the holidays, his due date, other pregnancies and births, and even loss some friends of ours. I've been attempting to prepare myself for this day for quite some time. And yet it turned out to be nothing like I had thought it would be. I am more bitter than I thought I would be. Less emotional, I've only cried twice. Way more painful than I anticipated. My heart has fluttered all day. My stomach has stayed in knots.
I have so much amazing support that I am almost ashamed of the way I feel. So many shoulders to cry on, ears to bend and hands to hold. Surely this isn't how a strong woman who has been through what I have acts. She's more peaceful and serene. She's not bitter, she's thankful. Ugh nothing could be further from the truth. I won't beat myself up too much over it, after all this is the first year. I know that over time pain fades, but the scars are forever. But I have to express myself through this outlet so I don't bottleneck the emotions and explode one day. Oh - speaking of scars - my little reminder from last year has finally faded enough that I don't notice it every day. Hey, that's improvement!
Last night Scott and I went to the Braves game. We had so much fun. But through the entire game all I could think of was Luke. How much he would have enjoyed going. I saw so many families with their babies and children. And I couldn't help but think to myself how much they appreciated what they have. One baby was squirming and her mother looked highly annoyed with her. I wish I had Luke to squirm around on me. Oh if I had Luke I would never let him go. It's natural, I know. Every single moment of parenthood is not rainbows and butterflies. I also understand that until someone experiences something like I have, they will never really know what it feels like to be without. And it's totally not anyone's fault. I can't expect everyone to know how heartbreaking it can be to watch someone's child grow and be happy and healthy.
This past year has held some of the happiest days of my life (seeing Luke for the first time, our first touch, holding him, Kangaroo time) and some of the darkest (losing Luke and the couple of moths afterwards). Through it all I have learned one thing - life goes on. For others looking in on Scott and I it's just another day. Another 8 hours at work. Another trip to the grocery store. Another day at school. But for us it's the day that time officially stood still in our life. I don't want to sound 100% bitter because I'm not. I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. Things I never knew I could do. I could make it through things I never imagined having to face. I have come to appreciate so many things that before Luke I would have never thought twice about. I have made friends that if not for Luke I would have never met. I have truly been able to look at life through a different set of eyes, and although the circumstances of this are ones that I would never wish on my worst enemy, that very few people will ever have the opportunity to do. I have looked through the eyes of a person that never thought it would happen to me to the eyes of someone that takes time to learn something from every situation I find myself in.
I love my husband so much more than I ever have. It's a new love. I have seen him become a wonderful father and my rock during hard times. Every day I find something new to fall in love with him about. I am so grateful for him. He's seen me at my absolute worst and yet he still loves me. Some couples don't make it through a tragic event like this. I am thankful that Scott and I only became closer.
Probably the biggest battle I have fought in the last 6 months would be whether or not children will eventually be a part of our life. Some days I wish for 2 or 3 children and other days the thought makes me ill. I know when the time is right things will fall into place the way they were meant to. And the things that fall into place may or may not include children. Time will tell that.
I celebrated 5 years of marriage with Scott this year. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last - I mean we did run off and elope after 2 months of seeing each other. But here we are celebrating the first of many milestones to come in our marriage. I also lost my sweet grandmother this year. That was really hard for me. She was the only grandparent I had left and the only grandparent I spent so much of my life with. It's actually a bit odd - I lost the youngest person in my life and the oldest this year. It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I will never talk to my grandmother again. No more trips to Statesboro. No more stories of Bingo and craft time. But I know she is in Heaven with my Aunt Joyce (her sister) and Luke, her son James that passed as a teenager, the rest of her siblings and family and most importantly she is reunited with her love, my Papa, JW. She's finally at peace and reunited with all of her loved ones.
Thank you for taking a moment to check in with us. Thank you all for remembering Luke, you will never know how much that means to us.
Xoxo,
Melissa
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Purpose and Fulfillment
"I must not just live my life; I will not just spend my life. I will invest in my life." Helen Keller
"Our greatest fulfillment lies in giving ourselves to others." Henri J.M. Nouwen
Many of us had dreams when we were little. BIG dreams. Extraordinary dreams. Astronauts, Engineers, Teachers, President of the United States (or First Lady if you're lucky ;) ), etc. Big dreams we just knew we could do, dreams we knew we could achieve. As life progresses oftentimes these dreams take a different path. Circumstances in life may make you feel like you can't achieve your dreams. But if you could do it all over again, if you could be given that second chance at life, what would you do? Little things can inspire these dreams you had as a child or big things can inspire them as well.
I have said this time and time again, but Luke is my inspiration. He was given to me to learn a whole new world, a whole new meaning to life, and he was taken from me to give me the push to dream big again.
When I was little I always thought I would be a teacher or a nurse. I would always "doctor" or "teach" my stuffed animals. I loved it! Thinking back on some of the things I did are actually quite hilarious. "I'm sorry Merle (my Cabbagepatch doll) you did not pass this test. This is not addition." I am laughing just remembering. Then I would write notes to Merle's mom and pin them on him explaining his terrible grades. Looking back nowI realize those were my first memories of "helping others". Yes it's quite funny to think I was helping dolls and stuffed animals, but a child's imagination is endless if you fuel it.
I also remember these stray puppies showed up in our yard one day. I instantly fell in love. So I started to "teach" them. I would set these puppies on the railings of my porch and try to teach songs to them. Then the ultimate "boo-boo" happened - one puppy fell off the railing and broke his leg. I immediately felt bad and hurt. I rushed inside and told my mama what had happened. She helped me make a splint out of items in the house (we always had tons since my dad worked at a mobile home manufacturing plant, lol) and with the help of mama we fixed his leg. We then found out they were actually our neighbor's puppies so mama then took them all back over the fence and told the neighbor's what happened. No one got in trouble, I mean it was an accident, but that is a second flag of my need to "help". I had to fix that puppy. He had to be whole again and not broken.
It is funny to write that. That's what I am accomplishing with the help of my wonderful therapist for myself. I am broken. But I want to be whole again. And I will be. And I will be a much better person than I have ever been in my life.
So as you know, I am neither a nurse nor a teacher. There are reasons: 1- nursing, not so much what I had imagined. I am not calm enough to react in a quick situation correctly, 2 - teaching, again, not so much. I am lacking a great deal of patience, and as I understand that is a definite requirement to teaching. God bless all the medical providers and teachers out there! You make our world a better place.
I have been thinking of these aspirations from childhood a lot lately. I am happy where I am in life, wonderful husband, great family and friends, and a job that I can say I love to get up and go to every single day. I am definitely blessed. But that yearning I had as a child is just too great to ignore. What am I doing in my life that is really fulfilling my need to help others?
That is why I decided to become heavily involved in the March of Dimes. This is an amazing group. They are saving our lives, not just our children, but our parents as well. This is where I can satisfy that craving to help others, and if it had not been for Luke, I would never know this was my calling. Here is my purpose, here is my passion. This is what I was meant to do. Do everything I can to help others who do, unfortunately, go through what Scott and I did and to be a pillar of support for those who feel they have no hope when times are the darkest. I know that feeling. I have been there way more times than I would have preferred. I have persevered. Am I 100% back to me? No and in all reality I never will be. But the new me can be a host for support and inspiration. I don't plan on stopping after March for Babies. I will continue to be an advocate for March of Dimes. I will continue to prove that there is life after a tragedy, it just takes time - and of course a little support from someone who knows exactly how you feel.
With that being said, please think about donating or even being there for support at March for Babies. Everything counts. There is truly no deed too small for this organization. If you are reading this and you would like more information about Luke's walk, please visit the website below to become involved. It is well worth your time.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2040652
With that being said, I thank you all for being so supportive. I thank you all for caring. I most importantly thank God for putting each one of you in my life.
Melissa
"Our greatest fulfillment lies in giving ourselves to others." Henri J.M. Nouwen
Many of us had dreams when we were little. BIG dreams. Extraordinary dreams. Astronauts, Engineers, Teachers, President of the United States (or First Lady if you're lucky ;) ), etc. Big dreams we just knew we could do, dreams we knew we could achieve. As life progresses oftentimes these dreams take a different path. Circumstances in life may make you feel like you can't achieve your dreams. But if you could do it all over again, if you could be given that second chance at life, what would you do? Little things can inspire these dreams you had as a child or big things can inspire them as well.
I have said this time and time again, but Luke is my inspiration. He was given to me to learn a whole new world, a whole new meaning to life, and he was taken from me to give me the push to dream big again.
When I was little I always thought I would be a teacher or a nurse. I would always "doctor" or "teach" my stuffed animals. I loved it! Thinking back on some of the things I did are actually quite hilarious. "I'm sorry Merle (my Cabbagepatch doll) you did not pass this test. This is not addition." I am laughing just remembering. Then I would write notes to Merle's mom and pin them on him explaining his terrible grades. Looking back nowI realize those were my first memories of "helping others". Yes it's quite funny to think I was helping dolls and stuffed animals, but a child's imagination is endless if you fuel it.
I also remember these stray puppies showed up in our yard one day. I instantly fell in love. So I started to "teach" them. I would set these puppies on the railings of my porch and try to teach songs to them. Then the ultimate "boo-boo" happened - one puppy fell off the railing and broke his leg. I immediately felt bad and hurt. I rushed inside and told my mama what had happened. She helped me make a splint out of items in the house (we always had tons since my dad worked at a mobile home manufacturing plant, lol) and with the help of mama we fixed his leg. We then found out they were actually our neighbor's puppies so mama then took them all back over the fence and told the neighbor's what happened. No one got in trouble, I mean it was an accident, but that is a second flag of my need to "help". I had to fix that puppy. He had to be whole again and not broken.
It is funny to write that. That's what I am accomplishing with the help of my wonderful therapist for myself. I am broken. But I want to be whole again. And I will be. And I will be a much better person than I have ever been in my life.
So as you know, I am neither a nurse nor a teacher. There are reasons: 1- nursing, not so much what I had imagined. I am not calm enough to react in a quick situation correctly, 2 - teaching, again, not so much. I am lacking a great deal of patience, and as I understand that is a definite requirement to teaching. God bless all the medical providers and teachers out there! You make our world a better place.
I have been thinking of these aspirations from childhood a lot lately. I am happy where I am in life, wonderful husband, great family and friends, and a job that I can say I love to get up and go to every single day. I am definitely blessed. But that yearning I had as a child is just too great to ignore. What am I doing in my life that is really fulfilling my need to help others?
That is why I decided to become heavily involved in the March of Dimes. This is an amazing group. They are saving our lives, not just our children, but our parents as well. This is where I can satisfy that craving to help others, and if it had not been for Luke, I would never know this was my calling. Here is my purpose, here is my passion. This is what I was meant to do. Do everything I can to help others who do, unfortunately, go through what Scott and I did and to be a pillar of support for those who feel they have no hope when times are the darkest. I know that feeling. I have been there way more times than I would have preferred. I have persevered. Am I 100% back to me? No and in all reality I never will be. But the new me can be a host for support and inspiration. I don't plan on stopping after March for Babies. I will continue to be an advocate for March of Dimes. I will continue to prove that there is life after a tragedy, it just takes time - and of course a little support from someone who knows exactly how you feel.
With that being said, please think about donating or even being there for support at March for Babies. Everything counts. There is truly no deed too small for this organization. If you are reading this and you would like more information about Luke's walk, please visit the website below to become involved. It is well worth your time.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2040652
With that being said, I thank you all for being so supportive. I thank you all for caring. I most importantly thank God for putting each one of you in my life.
Melissa
Friday, March 1, 2013
Commandment #10
Commandment 10: Thou shalt not covet.
Deadly Sin 1: Lust
Coincidentally these two sayings, the commandment and the sin, actually go hand in hand. We are not to covet what others have - homes, cars, jobs, money, power, etc. But the first deadly sin is Lust which in turn believes that all human nature is bound to lust for something - cars, jobs, money, power, etc.
I must admit that in the past few weeks I have found myself guilty of these two things. I have coveted what others have that I don't and I have lusted for these things the same. First, I want to say that I in no way mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. Nor is it my intent to upset. I just want to write about the things I have found myself lusting and coveting as it relates to me and where I am at in my recovery. Therapy is teaching me so much. My therapist is amazing and I wouldn't be in my recovery if it weren't for her. I tell her the things I lust and covet for and she says that it is a normal part of my healing process.
I have a very close family member who is nearing the end of her pregnancy. She is only 3 months behind me in relation to the due date. I love her and her sweet baby. I can't wait to meet him and hold him. But in a way I lust for that. Not in an inappropriate way, I lust to hold a newborn healthy baby boy like it should have been for me. I then start to lust for my own healthy newborn baby for myself. I will not lie and say that I won't be tearful when the time comes, when we get the phone call or text that baby is here. But I want to hold him just for a moment to see what it feels like. And to thank God that he has given this precious child a wonderful life to live with his family as well as the family who will have their very own precious life to have forever.
What I am coveting may be a little more strange to some, but again my therapist said it's a perfectly normal part of the grieving and healing process and I should feel this way. There is a girl I work with that is pregnant, just in her first trimester. I covet her pregnancy. I want my own! I want to feel that life inside of me again and the comfort that sweet baby feels being with its Mommy all day and night long. I love her the same and her baby also.
When I tell my therapist how I feel she assures me that I am normal, but I almost feel shameful. My time will come when it's right - but my impatient side, my yearning maternal side craves it so much. And rightfully so. All of my dreams and hopes for Luke were so violently ripped away from me that the only way the body knows to fix the trauma is to replace it with something else. Which in my case is another baby. But I know better. If I were to become pregnant again right now I don't think I would be able to handle it. It's such a confusing time.
I see all of my friends on Facebook with their precious babies and their sweet pregnancies and I think "Why me God?" Why am I the one that has to have these jealous feelings for another person's happiness? I then realize that these are normal reactions when you have lost something so close to your heart. The same could be said if I were single and watching all of my friends marry and start families of their own, or it could be said for someone laid off from their job but their friends don't have the slightest financial problems. I know it is part of the human psyche - part of our nature to yearn for more. Then you have a tragedy occur and it is intensified by a million. But I continue to pray for solace within my soul and I have it most of the time.
My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She said that it's unusual for people to think of that term as being associated with anything other than military type mental illness. But that's not true. Losing your child, being in an abusive relationship, having an abusive parent, all of these things can also trigger PTSD. I told my therapist about my dreams of Luke and she says they are caused from the PTSD and she also said unfortunately some of these odd occurrences will stay with me forever given the situation.
I love to see my preemie babies growing and doing so well but it also saddens me at the same time. I'll never get to take Luke home with me. I won't be able to watch him grow and make a lifetime of memories with him. It's selfish almost but I think it's a deserved selfishness. Why couldn't my Luke do these amazing things and be home with us by now? Why did my fate have to turn out the way it did? I don't think I will ever get the answer to that.
I want to reiterate over and over again, if you read this and you are pregnant, or have a newborn, or you are my co-worker and family member, please do not take offense or get upset by what I say. I may have mixed emotions right now because everything is still so new to me, but I do not love you or your baby any less. I am also no less thrilled for you!
I hate to feel shameful or selfish. But I can't help but feel that right now. Everything is so new.
I have spent a lot of time thinking of sweet Baby Aaron who got his wings a couple of weeks ago. This brought back so many emotions so perhaps that explains why I have these feelings of lust and covent. Baby Aaron fought so hard, so hard, to live and at a time when he should have been at home with Mommy and Daddy learning the ways of the world.
Aaron tried so hard to live with his new livers but he just couldn't. My heart breaks for him and his family. Knowing what they are going through first hand just saddens me so deeply.
I have to thank everyone for supporting Scott and I during this new path we found ourselves hurdled down. Everything is so new, perspective has changed so much. We continue to find ourselves and how we fit into a world without Luke.
I almost feel like these are still the days of the NICU. Emotional roller coaster. I am ready to depart this ride and ready for things to steadily return to normal. Or for whatever normal is going to be for us now. The ups and downs, they are not going anywhere any time soon. There will always be that person that says the wrong thing, or that situation where we relive our tragedy again. But in time we will learn how to properly cope with it and it won't be so bad then.
It's so hard to watch life progress on when you are still stuck in the days of your tragedy. But I keep praying. I keep my faith and I keep my hope.
I will close with a little bit of my nerdy side shining through, two quotes from two of my favorite book series:
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
JRRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Aaron tried so hard to live with his new livers but he just couldn't. My heart breaks for him and his family. Knowing what they are going through first hand just saddens me so deeply.
I have to thank everyone for supporting Scott and I during this new path we found ourselves hurdled down. Everything is so new, perspective has changed so much. We continue to find ourselves and how we fit into a world without Luke.
I almost feel like these are still the days of the NICU. Emotional roller coaster. I am ready to depart this ride and ready for things to steadily return to normal. Or for whatever normal is going to be for us now. The ups and downs, they are not going anywhere any time soon. There will always be that person that says the wrong thing, or that situation where we relive our tragedy again. But in time we will learn how to properly cope with it and it won't be so bad then.
It's so hard to watch life progress on when you are still stuck in the days of your tragedy. But I keep praying. I keep my faith and I keep my hope.
I will close with a little bit of my nerdy side shining through, two quotes from two of my favorite book series:
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
JRRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Monday, February 11, 2013
Miracles
Albert Einstein is quoted as saying, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". When I think of my life over the past ten months I think of all of my miracles. The miracle when I found out I was pregnant. The miracle when I saw the first ultrasound of my Bean. The miracle of having Luke - alive and healthy for the most part - for the little amount of time I had him with me. The miracle of watching my sweet son smile at me and snuggle closer and closer during our bonding times. And even though it may not feel like it at some times, but the miracle of losing Luke as well. I don't mean to make light of my loss - it is in fact something I struggle with daily. But if Einstein is correct then everything is a miracle. If it weren't for Luke, I don't know where or what I would be right now. Luke has taught me some amazing values and virtues and while it may seem foolish for me to think he knew what he was teaching me, I know he knew his life's mission. He was sent to change me. He gave me a second chance at life. I didn't have to hold on to the negativity anymore that plagued my mind and soul. I could let that go and live again - and this time see the world in a completely different light.
Some of you may know that I have been undergoing my testing since Luke passed. When Dr. Bodner first told me everything he wanted to test on me I was very hesitant. I was scared to know what happened, but I had an insatiable need to know as well. Luke passed in November so I decided I would do this testing for him. And I started them in January, having my last test done on the day before Luke's due date. To me it was a sense of closure. Even though I wasn't at the hospital delivering my loved son, I was at the hospital figuring out how to prevent this from ever happening again. I had tons of blood work done - and I mean tons. Dr. Bodner is a wonderfully precise man. He wanted to leave no stone unturned in my body. I also had a procedure known as an HSG performed as well. Typically women have an HSG if they are having issues conceiving. Well we already knew that wasn't an issue. I had the procedure so Dr. Boder could study internal x-rays of my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I could name a laundry list of things they could have potentially found that would have caused Luke's premature arrival. Tilted uterus, misshapen uterus, fibroids on my ovaries, kinks in my fallopian tubes, glucose levels too high or low, thyroid problems, iron deficiency, placental issues, umbilical cord issues, oh the list goes on, but I think you have the idea by now. It was a crap ton of worry!
Last Wednesday Scott and I went to see Dr. Bodner for the results of my testing and to talk about the future of parenthood. Dr. Bodner is also a wonderfully witty man. I love him already. When we went into his office the first thing he says is this, "Scott I wish there was something I could tell you was wrong with your wife, but alas there is not. Not one thing wrong with your beautiful bride (hey- his words not mine!)". He then went on to explain the results he was expecting to find that caused me to go into active labor so early in my pregnancy - blood levels slightly off, loopy uterus, crazy cervix, dysfunctional placenta.... but nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I had to suppress tears - mainly because every time I visit with Gary (as he is liked to be referred to) I end up using every box of tissues he has in his office. He jokingly told me at my previous appointment that I take the crown for uses of kleenex and he now knows he must keep them in full stock when he sees me on his books. :) All of my blood work came back perfect. Everything was in the ranges they were supposed to be in for my age, height and weight. There are no concerns with genetic malfunctions either. I have a perfect reproductive system, uterus is spot on, ovaries and fallopes are as well. The extensive research they did on my placenta all came back normal. So Luke, that precious sweet baby, was being very well taken care of by his mommy on the inside. Peace came over me. For so long, since October, I have been struggling with myself over why this happened. Surely something went wrong. But once Gary assured us that nothing was wrong with me I found a very bittersweet peace. Happy that I can go on to have as many children as I want - whenever that rolls around again - and they will be healthy beautiful babies like Luke only they will make their entire journey inside mommy. Dr. Bodner did mention that one test he ran was slightly inconclusive and that is a potential issue with clotting. He said the lab work on my placenta didn't show enough evidence of that being the case. But at any rate that man laid down a birth plan for Scott and I when we get ready that made us extremely happy.
To quote Gary, and please do not be offended, he said "Unfortunately sweetheart you got dealt a shitty hand and had to live through a shitty experience". But if I hadn't been through this experience then I wouldn't be sitting here letting everyone know that I can without a doubt have more children. Luke gave me that. While it is not fair and it certainly doesn't replace having my baby here with me healthy and brand new, it does keep my hope and faith going. It is fueling it. There really is a silver lining in every cloud, we just have to take a moment and find it. And when you find it keep it with you forever for that is the light during your darkest times.
Gary is so funny - he was like when are we starting again - immediately?! Scott and I both had mini heart attacks. Ummm no? Then he laughed and laughed and said that is what I was hoping to hear for you.
So in case you are interested in hearing our birth plan for when the time comes, here goes. I will come off my pills two months before trying (Gary got a big kick out of that one - if I can wait that long since I got pregnant while taking my pills the first time. Then he winked at Scott, lol). After that I will take a baby aspirin every day. This will help prevent clots if they do happen to sneak in somewhere undetectable. I will then get pregnant at some point, and begin my weekly visits with Gary himself. He is going to take very good care of me. He will do an ultrasound if not every week at least very frequently just to monitor my next vegetable. I will also get the progesterone shots every week and he will perform a cerclage at 14 weeks. Then smooth sailing from there until he takes the cerclage out and my baby is born - full term.
Unfortunately incompetent cervix is a crazy thing. That's why we call it the crazy cervix. This may never happen to me again but as precautionary measures I will most definitely get the cerclage.
I dream about more children. I can't imagine the fear I will have when I do decide to become pregnant again. But Gary also told me that is to be expected and he has some wonderful medicine that is safe for baby and will make mommy very relaxed during her pregnancy. It would probably be beneficial to daddy as well so the next time Papa John's decides to leave out my 3 extra orders of peppers WWIII won't happen.
Malone life is going pretty well. I love my husband each day more than the last. I realize he is the perfect half to me and I couldn't have been any luckier when I found him so many years ago. Fate, miracles, they go hand in hand.
I can't end my post without asking everyone to remember these precious babies fighting every day to live. Sweet Mercy is doing so so well!! Baby Aaron is getting there - just a few minor tweaks and he will be good as new in no time! A very dear friend also had her baby girl, Isabella premature but, all praise to his Highness, she is rocking right along as well. Remember them and their families. Pray for strength and comfort like you did for me. Trust me it's appreciated more that anyone could ever know.
"A miracle is often the willingness to see the common in an uncommon way." Noah Benshea
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Windfall
"May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours." - An old Irish blessing
I love this blessing. Not only because my husband is of Irish descent, but also because it says so much of such a loving and giving culture. I have been thinking of Luke a lot lately. Tuesday was his due date and although it was sad to a degree, it was also a happy day. I spent most of the day reliving those terrifying but joyful days when Luke was born. I thought of the first time I saw him and our first touch. I thought of the first time I held him and he gazed into my eyes. These memories I will cherish forever. I also thought of the dark day he was taken from us. I felt the despair all over again. But instead of crying, I remembered the peaceful look he had on his face as I held him. And I smiled and thanked God He gave me the most precious moments of my life in the 38 days Luke was here.
I pray every morning and night for sweet Mercy. I think of her often and I imagine what her precious parents are going through right now. It is so unfair, but yet so beautiful as well. They have their miracle with them. They are making the same memories I cherish so much. I know the fear of the unknown that Mercy's family is experiencing. But I have all of the confidence in the world when I say this precious fighter will be just fine. She's spunky - I like to think she's much like her Auntie. I can't help but think of my sweet Luke when I watch the videos of Mercy and look at her photos. I keep my hope alive and I keep it alive for sweet babies like Mercy - so that they live and prosper and one day grow to do great things themselves. Maybe one day Mercy will grow to be a nurse or doctor and she will take care of preemies like she's being taken care of now.
I know the reality of these situations are sometimes overwhelming. Every baby has their own story. My brother in law gave me the link to another baby's story - but this baby's story hurts me deeply. Aaron was born with a rare liver disease that caused liver failure at birth. He's fighting. To be such a small being he is doing mighty things. Much like Mercy and Luke. He's fighting to live. He did get a transplant but unfortunately the results were not what was anticipated. His body rejected the organ. He's on the list again for a second transplant. Pray for him. Pray for his family.
While reading the journal Aaron's parents write I read his transplant entry. It brought me to tears. I wept for the heartache but I also wept with admiration at something his parent's wrote. They asked that we not forget the family that donated the liver to their son. A family that lost their infant. It made me think - during a time like that - how wonderful they must be that they actually took time to ask that everyone pray for this family. It gives me hope for mankind. The selflessness of Aaron's family to ask for prayer for this family and the selflessness of this family to donate during their darkest time to save another infant. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it.
Over the past few months I have developed an amazing bond with an amazing woman. She too experienced loss - she lost her daughter 5 years ago. Brelyn passed in February so this time of the year is extremely difficult for Kayla and Justain, Brelyn's mom and dad. I talked with Kayla today because she was really down. Even though I have an amazing support system, sometimes it's nice to just talk to someone who KNOWS. Someone who has been there and feels what you feel. After talking with Kayla I started thinking ... I am part of something amazing. Losing Luke was not amazing, but having him was. I realized that even though we may not feel strong we absolutely are. I almost feel like we are part of a special club. I hope and pray no one ever has to go through what we have been through, but I say that meaning the bonds and the solidarity you feel with another person who has been through what you have makes you realize that life is going to be okay. Whatever the outcome may be for you - it is what is meant to be. And each stepping stone in life, whether it is a pebble or a boulder, only makes you stronger in the end.
I leave asking that you pray for not only Mercy and Aaron and every baby fighting for their life, but also pray for their parents and family. They too need comfort for the road they are on. It's not always easy and sometimes your bad days will outweigh your good, but with a little help from others you can face any challenge the day may bring.
"May the wind take your troubles away." - SonVolt
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours." - An old Irish blessing
I love this blessing. Not only because my husband is of Irish descent, but also because it says so much of such a loving and giving culture. I have been thinking of Luke a lot lately. Tuesday was his due date and although it was sad to a degree, it was also a happy day. I spent most of the day reliving those terrifying but joyful days when Luke was born. I thought of the first time I saw him and our first touch. I thought of the first time I held him and he gazed into my eyes. These memories I will cherish forever. I also thought of the dark day he was taken from us. I felt the despair all over again. But instead of crying, I remembered the peaceful look he had on his face as I held him. And I smiled and thanked God He gave me the most precious moments of my life in the 38 days Luke was here.
I pray every morning and night for sweet Mercy. I think of her often and I imagine what her precious parents are going through right now. It is so unfair, but yet so beautiful as well. They have their miracle with them. They are making the same memories I cherish so much. I know the fear of the unknown that Mercy's family is experiencing. But I have all of the confidence in the world when I say this precious fighter will be just fine. She's spunky - I like to think she's much like her Auntie. I can't help but think of my sweet Luke when I watch the videos of Mercy and look at her photos. I keep my hope alive and I keep it alive for sweet babies like Mercy - so that they live and prosper and one day grow to do great things themselves. Maybe one day Mercy will grow to be a nurse or doctor and she will take care of preemies like she's being taken care of now.
I know the reality of these situations are sometimes overwhelming. Every baby has their own story. My brother in law gave me the link to another baby's story - but this baby's story hurts me deeply. Aaron was born with a rare liver disease that caused liver failure at birth. He's fighting. To be such a small being he is doing mighty things. Much like Mercy and Luke. He's fighting to live. He did get a transplant but unfortunately the results were not what was anticipated. His body rejected the organ. He's on the list again for a second transplant. Pray for him. Pray for his family.
While reading the journal Aaron's parents write I read his transplant entry. It brought me to tears. I wept for the heartache but I also wept with admiration at something his parent's wrote. They asked that we not forget the family that donated the liver to their son. A family that lost their infant. It made me think - during a time like that - how wonderful they must be that they actually took time to ask that everyone pray for this family. It gives me hope for mankind. The selflessness of Aaron's family to ask for prayer for this family and the selflessness of this family to donate during their darkest time to save another infant. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it.
Over the past few months I have developed an amazing bond with an amazing woman. She too experienced loss - she lost her daughter 5 years ago. Brelyn passed in February so this time of the year is extremely difficult for Kayla and Justain, Brelyn's mom and dad. I talked with Kayla today because she was really down. Even though I have an amazing support system, sometimes it's nice to just talk to someone who KNOWS. Someone who has been there and feels what you feel. After talking with Kayla I started thinking ... I am part of something amazing. Losing Luke was not amazing, but having him was. I realized that even though we may not feel strong we absolutely are. I almost feel like we are part of a special club. I hope and pray no one ever has to go through what we have been through, but I say that meaning the bonds and the solidarity you feel with another person who has been through what you have makes you realize that life is going to be okay. Whatever the outcome may be for you - it is what is meant to be. And each stepping stone in life, whether it is a pebble or a boulder, only makes you stronger in the end.
I leave asking that you pray for not only Mercy and Aaron and every baby fighting for their life, but also pray for their parents and family. They too need comfort for the road they are on. It's not always easy and sometimes your bad days will outweigh your good, but with a little help from others you can face any challenge the day may bring.
"May the wind take your troubles away." - SonVolt
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Mercy Me, Mercy My
“For children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.”
It has been a while since I have written. Life suddenly returned to "normal" for whatever that mens. Full time at work and school also is very time consuming and I am so ready for it to be over with, lol!
It has been a while since I have written. Life suddenly returned to "normal" for whatever that mens. Full time at work and school also is very time consuming and I am so ready for it to be over with, lol!
Spent some time with my sister on her birthday and it was very enjoyable. Had a wonderful time with the kids, they are all growing so big and they are the lights of my life.
My heart has been heavy for a few weeks now. My friend's sister developed a very rare and semi-recent liver condition during her first pregnancy. She had just went 1/2 way into the second trimester. the doctors rallied and pretty much decided that they would need to take the baby early - but no earlier than 36 weeks. So we played the waiting game until she had to be admitted yesterday mid-morning because her blood pressure was sorta high. She delivered Mercy around lunchtime and she is absolutely perfect in every way possible. She was 2lbs 5oz, 15 1/2 inches. She is a firecracker based on the videos her Auntie sends to me. Precious Mercy is here so continue to life her in love and prayers!
It has been very bittersweet to be so involved in Mercy's arrival and status. I know with all of my heart she will be just fine and grow up so pretty and strong and smart, no doubt. It makes me so incredibly happy to know in my heart she is going to be okay. But it also makes me sad a little, not because of Mercy herself ( I think she's doing fantastic!) just reminds me that Luke was there for so long and he wouldn't have even been home by now. It is depressing to think of it really. I heard the monitor beeps in the videos and I got sweaty palms. I saw her pictures with all of her leads and IV's and I just broke down into tears over it.
Premature labor / preterm labor is a very serious and I don't believe it is promoted enough. Thank God for organizations like the March of Dimes..... you will have a new perspective!! So always remember to donate!!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tomorrow is Another Day
As the New Year approaches I can’t help but look back at the year with a sense of bitter sweetness. While I can say without a doubt it has been one of my saddest years, it has also been one of my happiest. I became a mother. I learned how to love someone more than I love anything else in this world. And I learned how to lose my child all the same. It is perhaps the loneliest feeling in the world, but one I wouldn’t trade to have never known Luke.
I have had many happy memories just the same. Making memories with Scott, going back home to State Farm, finding out I was expecting, having Luke and having the miracle that he was for the time I did, and meeting so many new friends that I know will stay with me for a lifetime. Finding a peace about me has also been very rewarding. I love myself more than I ever have in my life. And I have only Luke to thank for that. I also have Luke to thank for my salvation and my newfound love for life.
I can’t deny that my sad times were the lowest I have ever felt, and rightfully so. But I am hopeful for a fulfilling future. I look forward to the days that I have ahead of me, whatever they may bring. I will never take things for granted again. Luke taught me that. To live each day as if it were your last and to do unto others as you would have done unto you, to take time to watch the butterflies and smell the flowers, take time to make adventure wherever you are. Love the life you are given and don’t mistake tragedy for despair. We are only given one chance at life and you should make the best out of it.
I think about the blessings I have been given in life and I realize that sometimes blessings are truly disguised. It’s hard to realize that at times. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger for sure and by the grace of God I am still here for another day. Life can seem so hard at times but know that there isn’t any burden too large for you to carry. I have learned that albeit maybe not the most desirable way.
I thank God for letting me see another day and I thank Him for continuing to love me, even when He doesn’t have to. It’s easy to forget that at times but so rewarding when you remember.
Tonight, at midnight, I will put all of my heartache away and embrace the New Year with open arms. I hope you do the same. I hope everyone takes a moment to count their blessings and be truly thankful for all they do have, even if it doesn’t seem like much. You have the ground beneath your feel and air in your lungs. And you have the love of a Heavenly Father that will never leave you nor betray you.
Be safe, have fun, and best wishes to a brand New Year!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Forever Young
This post will be incredibly personal ... and I am okay with that. I want to share my most personal thoughts and feelings so that maybe Luke's purpose in life will be remembered. And honored. And his purpose will be recognized for, what I believe, what it was meant to mean to all of us.
When I was pregnant I had the most vivid dreams. Dreams of my baby. Dreams of what this baby meant. Dreams of who they would be and what they would become. Mostly I blamed these vivid dreams on pregnancy and the raging hormones I was experiencing. But one night I had a dream that I now realize meant more than it did at the time. I dreamed that I was carrying a son and he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He radiated in a way I had never seen before. He had a spirit and aura that I literally can't describe because it was beyond any experience I had ever had, anything I had ever imagined. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. Then I felt that he should be named Luke. When I woke up the next morning I just knew in my heart that I was having a boy and he was to be Luke, for some unknown reason. This was before I found out I was having a boy. So when I did get confirmation I knew this foreseen prophecy was real. I had this dream for a reason. I told Scott in the doctor's office - "This is Luke".
I have always felt I was spiritual but I never considered myself religious. I just had so many questions. So many doubts. I am not ashamed to admit this. I have come to realize that this is what happens when you begin to accept Christianity and accept the Holy Spirit as part of your being. You start to question and you realize your doubts. And when you least expect it, your questions are answered and your doubts vanish. That's what happened with me when I became pregnant. I thought, I don't even know if I want children and now I am pregnant... I have so many doubts about my capability of being a mother, am I ready for this ..... I wasn't even trying and it happened .... could this be my miracle that I was meant to have? I felt then that a purpose was put upon me, I just didn't realize what that purpose would really turn out to be. Sometimes in life it is true that you can't have any triumph without some tragedy. And it is true. I couldn't sit here and tell the world, tell anyone who wants to listen, share with everyone reading this that I, Melissa Malone, am a firm believer in the Heavenly Father and all He unselfishly gave to all of us in hopes that we would believe in His word. Believe in Him.
In Sunday School growing up I always enjoyed lessons that Mrs. Kern taught us from the book of Luke. I thought, maybe this is why I love the name so much. It is my favorite book in the Bible. And I know that the story in Luke is the same as in Matthew but I always got excited when Mrs. Kern decided to teach us from Luke instead. I researched the book of Luke after my Luke was born and I found that some believe the book of Luke concentrated on Mary's genealogy and Matthew concentrated on Joseph's. Either way, it's always been my favorite book. I realize now that I was given this prophecy so many years ago and it came to me again when I was expecting my first child. I do believe now that I have a desire to know all I can about Luke himself and the book in the Bible.
I found an audio book on the book of Luke and bought it. It's a modern reading of the book interpreted to our English language. I started this book Monday. Within the first 30 minutes, I found myself rewinding the book several times to hear this one particular story over and over. See, I was meant to hear this story in Luke. I was meant to make this connection with my Luke. I was meant all along to have Luke and lose him. And this is why I feel this is true:
There was a priest, Zacharias, and his wife Elisabeth who could not conceive a child in Judea. The couple were very religious and walked in the path of God. One day the angel Gabriel appeared to Zacharias and spoke of a prophecy from God that he and Elisabeth would bear a son and he was to be named John. The prophecy was to come true, Elisabeth would bear this child and he would become John the Baptist. He would baptize many and he would come to be recognized as one of the first to believe that Jesus was the Messiah and the son of God. He would be Jesus's friend and would help him spread the word of God. During Elisabeth's pregnancy Gabriel also appeared to Mary and told her that she would birth the son of God. Mary then visited Elisabeth to tell her the news the angel gave to her. Elisabeth told Mary that she too had been blessed with a child. When Mary told Elisabeth that she would be the mother of Jesus, John leaped in Elisabeth's womb. John the Baptist went on to baptize Jesus later in life for the sins of man, not Jesus himself.
Now, I am sure you are wondering why I feel this story is of significance to me and my son Luke. It speaks to me. When I heard it I couldn't hear it enough. I listened over and over to make sure I was hearing it right. To make sure I was not misinterpreting the story. See, my Luke was born six months to the day of his estimated due date. I was 24 weeks exactly. I see myself like Elisabeth, no I am not infertile, but I was not convinced that I would not have children. I see the significance in the six month reference because Mary was conceived with Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. Elisabeth's womb leaped when Mary mentioned Jesus, the man who would save us all. I see significance that she gave birth to John the Baptist, a great man that would baptize and save so many people in his life.
Luke saved me. My child saved me from a life lacking fulfillment and joy. Though I weep and am saddened that he had to be taken from me, I realize that he was given to me for this reason. I was not meant to have him, just as Mary was not meant to have Jesus. I don't want to come off like I think my son was the second coming of Jesus, but my son was my salvation. If this had never happened to me, if Luke had never come into my life and gone like he did, I wouldn't be here sharing this story with everyone. I wouldn't be where I am spiritually in my life. I wouldn't be saved like I am today.
I feel that my prophecy was given to me at a very young age. There is a meaning behind why I came to love the book of Luke so much. There is a meaning behind why I had a dream where my son would be named Luke and he would do great things. There is a meaning why I had him at six months. There is a meaning why Luke's life was short lived. He accomplished more than some do in a lifetime. He saved me from myself. And I feel one of the greatest things you can do in life is save another person, for if you have done that then your life is complete. And Luke did that for me. And who's to say that Luke hasn't done that for more people? He could have touched lives and saved people that I would never know. Luke's life was short but it was not meaningless.
I found Jesus when Luke was born at 24 weeks, much like Jesus was conceived when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. This is when I feel the world was given Jesus, when he was conceived in Mary's womb. I was given Jesus when I was six months pregnant just like the world was given Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant. I grew to love my child and lose him much like Mary lost Jesus. My sacrifice in life was Luke. I was meant to have him for a short time and give him back to God because he was put here to save me. And when his work was done, he went back to the same hands that miraculously gave him to me in the first place. I am proud to be Luke's mom. I will forever hold that title close to my heart. Though I know I will continue to grieve, I know I will continue to be sad and mourn for my sweet Luke, I also rejoice in knowing that he is with the Lord and he is in the safest place anyone could be. And he's all mine when I see him again. And I will have him for an eternity then. I rejoice in knowing that my sweet baby saved me and that his presence did not go unknown. That his meaning in life is known and accepted even though it hurts.
I am not perfect, none of us are. I still have my moments where I lose hope. But it always comes back to me. I have my moments where I feel like life can't be any lower than it feels at that moment, but I get back up and start again. I will have my times of despair but I know that I will pull through them because God is with me. Jesus is with me. He never leaves. God also put each one of you in my life to help me progress as well. If I didn't have the encouragement I have from so many I don't believe I would be here telling you this story. I couldn't focus on the positive instead of the negative. My wish is that everyone can find hope again after reading my stories of Luke. I hope everyone can find their rainbow during the storm. I don't think life is meant to be lived without some tragedy. Because through tragedy we learn to have faith that life has a greater meaning. And although that meaning may not make sense at the time, it will when it's supposed to.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Even though I had more downs that ups, I still had my ups and sometimes that is all one can hope for when such tragedy is experienced. My greatest treasure will always be in my heart forever.
Luke 12:34 : For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
When I was pregnant I had the most vivid dreams. Dreams of my baby. Dreams of what this baby meant. Dreams of who they would be and what they would become. Mostly I blamed these vivid dreams on pregnancy and the raging hormones I was experiencing. But one night I had a dream that I now realize meant more than it did at the time. I dreamed that I was carrying a son and he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He radiated in a way I had never seen before. He had a spirit and aura that I literally can't describe because it was beyond any experience I had ever had, anything I had ever imagined. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. Then I felt that he should be named Luke. When I woke up the next morning I just knew in my heart that I was having a boy and he was to be Luke, for some unknown reason. This was before I found out I was having a boy. So when I did get confirmation I knew this foreseen prophecy was real. I had this dream for a reason. I told Scott in the doctor's office - "This is Luke".
I have always felt I was spiritual but I never considered myself religious. I just had so many questions. So many doubts. I am not ashamed to admit this. I have come to realize that this is what happens when you begin to accept Christianity and accept the Holy Spirit as part of your being. You start to question and you realize your doubts. And when you least expect it, your questions are answered and your doubts vanish. That's what happened with me when I became pregnant. I thought, I don't even know if I want children and now I am pregnant... I have so many doubts about my capability of being a mother, am I ready for this ..... I wasn't even trying and it happened .... could this be my miracle that I was meant to have? I felt then that a purpose was put upon me, I just didn't realize what that purpose would really turn out to be. Sometimes in life it is true that you can't have any triumph without some tragedy. And it is true. I couldn't sit here and tell the world, tell anyone who wants to listen, share with everyone reading this that I, Melissa Malone, am a firm believer in the Heavenly Father and all He unselfishly gave to all of us in hopes that we would believe in His word. Believe in Him.
In Sunday School growing up I always enjoyed lessons that Mrs. Kern taught us from the book of Luke. I thought, maybe this is why I love the name so much. It is my favorite book in the Bible. And I know that the story in Luke is the same as in Matthew but I always got excited when Mrs. Kern decided to teach us from Luke instead. I researched the book of Luke after my Luke was born and I found that some believe the book of Luke concentrated on Mary's genealogy and Matthew concentrated on Joseph's. Either way, it's always been my favorite book. I realize now that I was given this prophecy so many years ago and it came to me again when I was expecting my first child. I do believe now that I have a desire to know all I can about Luke himself and the book in the Bible.
I found an audio book on the book of Luke and bought it. It's a modern reading of the book interpreted to our English language. I started this book Monday. Within the first 30 minutes, I found myself rewinding the book several times to hear this one particular story over and over. See, I was meant to hear this story in Luke. I was meant to make this connection with my Luke. I was meant all along to have Luke and lose him. And this is why I feel this is true:
There was a priest, Zacharias, and his wife Elisabeth who could not conceive a child in Judea. The couple were very religious and walked in the path of God. One day the angel Gabriel appeared to Zacharias and spoke of a prophecy from God that he and Elisabeth would bear a son and he was to be named John. The prophecy was to come true, Elisabeth would bear this child and he would become John the Baptist. He would baptize many and he would come to be recognized as one of the first to believe that Jesus was the Messiah and the son of God. He would be Jesus's friend and would help him spread the word of God. During Elisabeth's pregnancy Gabriel also appeared to Mary and told her that she would birth the son of God. Mary then visited Elisabeth to tell her the news the angel gave to her. Elisabeth told Mary that she too had been blessed with a child. When Mary told Elisabeth that she would be the mother of Jesus, John leaped in Elisabeth's womb. John the Baptist went on to baptize Jesus later in life for the sins of man, not Jesus himself.
Now, I am sure you are wondering why I feel this story is of significance to me and my son Luke. It speaks to me. When I heard it I couldn't hear it enough. I listened over and over to make sure I was hearing it right. To make sure I was not misinterpreting the story. See, my Luke was born six months to the day of his estimated due date. I was 24 weeks exactly. I see myself like Elisabeth, no I am not infertile, but I was not convinced that I would not have children. I see the significance in the six month reference because Mary was conceived with Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. Elisabeth's womb leaped when Mary mentioned Jesus, the man who would save us all. I see significance that she gave birth to John the Baptist, a great man that would baptize and save so many people in his life.
Luke saved me. My child saved me from a life lacking fulfillment and joy. Though I weep and am saddened that he had to be taken from me, I realize that he was given to me for this reason. I was not meant to have him, just as Mary was not meant to have Jesus. I don't want to come off like I think my son was the second coming of Jesus, but my son was my salvation. If this had never happened to me, if Luke had never come into my life and gone like he did, I wouldn't be here sharing this story with everyone. I wouldn't be where I am spiritually in my life. I wouldn't be saved like I am today.
I feel that my prophecy was given to me at a very young age. There is a meaning behind why I came to love the book of Luke so much. There is a meaning behind why I had a dream where my son would be named Luke and he would do great things. There is a meaning why I had him at six months. There is a meaning why Luke's life was short lived. He accomplished more than some do in a lifetime. He saved me from myself. And I feel one of the greatest things you can do in life is save another person, for if you have done that then your life is complete. And Luke did that for me. And who's to say that Luke hasn't done that for more people? He could have touched lives and saved people that I would never know. Luke's life was short but it was not meaningless.
I found Jesus when Luke was born at 24 weeks, much like Jesus was conceived when Elisabeth was six months pregnant with John. This is when I feel the world was given Jesus, when he was conceived in Mary's womb. I was given Jesus when I was six months pregnant just like the world was given Jesus when Elisabeth was six months pregnant. I grew to love my child and lose him much like Mary lost Jesus. My sacrifice in life was Luke. I was meant to have him for a short time and give him back to God because he was put here to save me. And when his work was done, he went back to the same hands that miraculously gave him to me in the first place. I am proud to be Luke's mom. I will forever hold that title close to my heart. Though I know I will continue to grieve, I know I will continue to be sad and mourn for my sweet Luke, I also rejoice in knowing that he is with the Lord and he is in the safest place anyone could be. And he's all mine when I see him again. And I will have him for an eternity then. I rejoice in knowing that my sweet baby saved me and that his presence did not go unknown. That his meaning in life is known and accepted even though it hurts.
I am not perfect, none of us are. I still have my moments where I lose hope. But it always comes back to me. I have my moments where I feel like life can't be any lower than it feels at that moment, but I get back up and start again. I will have my times of despair but I know that I will pull through them because God is with me. Jesus is with me. He never leaves. God also put each one of you in my life to help me progress as well. If I didn't have the encouragement I have from so many I don't believe I would be here telling you this story. I couldn't focus on the positive instead of the negative. My wish is that everyone can find hope again after reading my stories of Luke. I hope everyone can find their rainbow during the storm. I don't think life is meant to be lived without some tragedy. Because through tragedy we learn to have faith that life has a greater meaning. And although that meaning may not make sense at the time, it will when it's supposed to.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Even though I had more downs that ups, I still had my ups and sometimes that is all one can hope for when such tragedy is experienced. My greatest treasure will always be in my heart forever.
Luke 12:34 : For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
God Only Knows
"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."- C.S. Lewis
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
Lamentations 3:31-33
"For the Lord will not cast off for ever.
But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men."
"For the Lord will not cast off for ever.
But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men."
I have read many things on the stages of grief. All the emotions you feel and what they mean. But I can't help but feel different. These stages of grief, they seem so broad. Of course you will be angry, of course you will be depressed. No doubt you will be in denial and sad. That's grief for losing a loved one period. It has to be different when it's your child. Your baby. It seems so generalized. Here's the normal things you will feel. There's no mention of fear. Or how hard everyday life becomes after something like this happens to you. How mundane everything becomes. Where's the mention that life seems insignificant after losing a child? Not life itself, I am very happy to be here, but the "normal" things you were once so happy to be part of. The joy that leaves your heart over things that you once found so much happiness in. Where's that stage?
When I was pregnant all I could do was daydream about my life with Luke. The things we would do together. The memories we would make. His first day of school. His graduation. His wedding. His first child. I was in a way obsessed with him. I couldn't wait to hold him. I couldn't wait to teach him things. I couldn't wait to hear him talk for the first time or walk for the first time. I imagined his first time meeting Santa, would he cry? Would he smile at him? I imagined his first Halloween costume. What would he be? Luke Skywalker? A Ghostbuster? What would his favorite childhood things be? Would he have a favorite pet? These are the things that filled my mind day and night about Luke. I would think about the things that made me so happy in childhood. Slushies from the gas station, ice cream cups with the wooden spoons, riding the roads in the country and enjoying nature. Would Luke like these things?
I guess I couldn't wait to be like everyone else who had children. I couldn't wait to post his first pictures or videos of his first words and steps. Videos of him singing in the car with Mommy and Daddy. Pictures of him playing with the dogs. I couldn't wait to fill my home with pictures of my miracle Luke. I longed for these things when I was pregnant. I longed for the family we were fixing to have. Mommy, Daddy and Luke. Instinct kicks in during pregnancy and you have these feelings of the love to come in the years ahead. I couldn't wait for him to love our friends too, like Auntie Molls and Auntie Jess. Uncle JV. Auntie Amy and Uncle Josh, Auntie Rachel and Uncle Chris. I couldn't wait for him to know his Auntie Robyn and Uncle John and his three cool cousins. He would love his Uncle Brad because he would ride all of the roller coasters with him and take him to the coolest theme parks in the world! I just thought through my entire pregnancy that we will have our sweet baby too! Now family functions will have more meaning because Luke will be there too! Luke will be at Callie and Ty's parties and Sam and Eli's. Lainey and Bree. And sweet baby Collins that will be here in April. I started to think this is how it's supposed to be.
But of course it didn't turn out that way. So because of that my hopes and dreams for the future have been pulled away from me. My Luke was taken from me. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to still be in my belly and growing strong. I was supposed to have him on January 22nd, a full term baby. But instead he came 16 weeks early and only lived 5 weeks 3 days. When he was born, I didn't abandon all hope. I had it. I depended on hope and faith. I then became obsessed with that. I became obsessed with hope and faith keeping Luke alive and helping him pull out of this and be a normal baby. I became obsessed with Luke's survival. How will this happen? How can it continue to go on like this? When is the turning point? When will he get better? Obsession is the best used word for this situation. Every drug they gave him, every medicine they hooked him up to, every breathing tube, every monitor, every lab, every test, every ultrasound and scan, every x-ray I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know what they were doing and why. And how will it help him? So obsession is quite right.
But my obsession with that only got me so far. I slowly lost the hope and faith on Sunday the 11th. Actually on that day I lost hope and faith the minute my baby was gone and wasn't coming back. When Luke passed I became obsessed with everything. What happened? Why did this happen? Why were you giving him this if there was a risk of cardiac arrest? Why couldn't he be saved? I wanted him swaddled a certain way. I wanted him to have a proper bath without all of those damn wires and tubes poking out of him. When they removed the IV's and tubes I saw my baby for the first time without anything on him. I saw his entire face. I became obsessed with cleaning him. I didn't want one single mark on him. No dry skin, no sticky residue from his bandages, nothing. I wanted this baby to look like how he should have naturally.
Now I am obsessed with living life without him. It is not fair. I flipped the light on in the kitchen earlier and it made me think of Luke. Yes, something that simple can trigger a meltdown. I flipped the light switch on and thought, this is BS. Luke will never flip a light switch. But here I am flipping them on and off, adjusting the temperature in the house, cleaning dishes, and all for what? Why did Luke have to die?! Why wasn't I taken instead of him?! My body failed him so why do I continue to live and he doesn't? My body should have given itself up for Luke. I would gladly be where he is now if he could be where I am now. In his home with his things and his pets and his Daddy. Living, breathing, learning. I've done that for the past 28 years. He will never know these things. It infuriates me. Why couldn't I have been the one to go and let him stay and grow up and know the things I already knew? So not fair.
But what is fair? Hmmmm .... that's a good one to think about. Is it fair that there are babies in NICU's around the country that have been abandoned by their heartless parents? Oh your baby doesn't come out quite like you thought they should so you just hand them over to the state? That really pisses me off. I would gladly die to take Luke's place and have him happy and healthy and experience life but yet I get my baby taken from me by death. Yet these clowns that act like they are parents and then the rough parts come in and they jump ship the minute they can? MAKES ME SICK.
Before I got pregnant with Luke I will be the first to stand up and admit that I was not a very good person. I mean I upheld the law, I worked a full time job and went to school full time. But I was a chief complainer. I complained about everything. It was just who I was. I thought I had all the answers and thought I knew what life was about. But boy was I wrong. DEAD WRONG. So after something so traumatic happens and you have to eventually pick the pieces up and move on you realize how petty this really is. It really bothers me to get on Facebook and see someone put a status up about how annoying their kids are being right then. Really? Or complaints about the Burger King drive thru. Or, oh these are my all time favorites, I can't do anything now because I have kids and my life sucks because I have to be around them all the time. Well .... I can tell you this - I wish I had my baby with me. I wish he would annoy me. I wish I could say I couldn't do something because of my baby.... get that? Please be happy that you have a happy healthy baby. Be grateful. Love them. Love them even harder than before. Go places with them instead of without them. Spend all the time you can with them because there is a reality out there that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are. And even though my Luke was technically medically sick, meaning the point he was at in life he could not live without the medicine and machines helping him, it was still a HUGE surprise when he was taken away from us. and it was a matter of 10 minutes. So I say love until you can't love anymore. I would want for nothing but my baby here with me so I can love on him.
Today we took Peaches to the doctors office for her yearly checkup and vaccinations. While we were in the lobby waiting on the girls to bring her out, a lady came in crying hysterically with her husband and her pet wrapped in a blanket. He was deceased. I almost fainted when it happened because it gave me flashbacks of Luke swaddled in his blanket and me holding him and crying and pleading for his life. It broke my heart. And yes I know someone's pet is different from someone's child but I don't think so. A loved life lost is a life lost the same. That poor lady was grieving for her sweet fur baby. It hurt me. And I held Peaches a little tighter tonight because it touched me so deeply.
So if it's one thing I can say that maybe makes sense is - take my tragedy and learn from it. Tomorrow may not come for some of us. Spend all the time you can loving your babies and appreciating every moment because we are no guaranteed anything in life except that we will all die. I didn't have an ideal situation but I had one with Luke. And I loved him every minute of every day and still do. I think of him non-stop. But I am mostly upset that I didn't get to have the mounds of memories that I had psyched myself up with during pregnancy. I will never have them with Luke. But everyone out there has time now to do it. And I hope you do.
― Lao Tzu
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Make the World Go Away
Today has been one month since Luke left my arms and joined the Holy Spirit in Heaven. I struggled through the day. It was a sad and angry day for me. I couldn't help but to relive that day with Luke over and over again in my mind. Oh how I long for him. I long to hold him close to my heart, to smell his sweet skin again, to feel his heart beat with mine, to have life running through his body again. What I wouldn't do to have his sweet kisses again. His tiny little mouth gave the best baby kisses ever. What I wouldn't give to hold his sweet hand again and feel his soft, warm skin one more time. What I wouldn't do to have him look at me with his sweet blue eyes one more time.
I spent the day reliving the past 2+ months. I couldn't help it, it just stayed in my mind all day long. I couldn't get it off my mind. That Wednesday in October, the terrifying feelings we had as we wondered if our baby boy was even going to make it through delivery. The scary information and overwhelming facts being thrown at us rapid fire about what was happening to me and my baby. The fear when they took me away from my family and Scott that Thursday to perform my Cesarean operation and I was all alone in an operating room full of people I didn't know. The fear of them telling me that I was too far for any pain medication so they would have to fully sedate me. Hearing Dr. Bodner say "as soon as she's out I'm cutting, we don't have time" sent me into a frightening panic attack but before I could do or say anything I had the mask over my face and after two breaths I was gone.
I woke up about 20 minutes later as the nurses were removing my breathing tube. I felt like I was suffocating to be honest. I couldn't breathe! All I could think in that moment is - I am going to suffocate to death and never see my baby. I started having another panic attack. The realization of everything that had happened to me was beginning to set in. The nurses finally calmed me enough that I could breathe and they were letting me have dry ice chips. I was dehydrated and starving. I hadn't eaten since 4pm on Wednesday afternoon. I had to stay in recovery about 45 minutes total so I was also trying to come to fully from that sedation they gave me. Scott was standing beside the bed and he was telling me he loved me. So very much. So I held his hand and he cried. He told me how proud he was of me for staying strong during these last crazy hours. He squeezed my hand and I looked up at him. I asked him if Luke was ok. He said he is fine but he is very very tiny. Then my heart sank. I asked where he was. Scott said they took him immediately to the NICU but before they snapped a quick photo of him. I have it here for you. I wanted you to see him first thing. So Scott handed me a picture of Luke and his two perfect footprints and I cried at the sight of my sweet baby boy. He was perfect in every sense of the word. I didn't look at him and see a 1lb baby, I looked at him and saw perfection. His nose, his eyes, his lips, his arms and legs, hands and feet, fingers and toes, his eyelashes. Everything was perfect on him.
Twelve hours after my surgery I was able to see Luke for the first time. This would have been midnight on the 5th. Scott was asleep, as he should be after all we had been through. Neither one of us had slept since we checked into Northside at 9pm Wednesday night. I had an awesome nurse that night. She was the greatest I've ever had. She came in at midnight on the dot - it was time for my pain pills anyway - and asked me if I was ready. I looked at her and said "Nothing will keep me from seeing him now". Brought tears to my eyes because I had been waiting so long. I was so anxious because I didn't know what I was going in to either. So she helped me raise my bed, get my legs over the side and sit up straight for a minute. I had a lot of pressure so she clicked my morphine button twice and said we would click it again when we got to the nursery. I stood up, walked 5 steps, and sat down in the wheelchair. SUCCESS! She laid a blanket over my legs and we were off. Scott was up too and right behind us.
I can't describe the level of emotion I reached when I saw Luke for the first time. He was just as beautiful as I had imagined. My love. My heart lying in his isolette. He was the tiniest but sweetest baby I had ever laid eyes on. And in that instant the love exceeded any expectation I had of it before all of this happened. Luke became my best friend in that minute. I loved him more that I loved myself.
So that is how I was given Luke, It wasn't the best ticket in but it got him here nonetheless and the destination may not have been what we had hoped for but the ride there was an amazing one. Luke did so many things that I would be here forever recalling every single wink or kick that he did. Luke is mine and he always will be. I don't have him in the flesh but I have him in the spirit. His spirit is in my heart and soul. He is with me.
When Luke was taken from us on November 11th, my world fell apart. My best friend was gone in an instant. All I could do was replay every minute and note all the things we would never get to do together. I held my poor Luke until he took his last breath and that almost killed me as well. I watched his eyes float away to the Heavens. I knew he was gone. But I couldn't let go. I cried. I cried. I cried. I yelled why, I screamed for help, I begged and pleaded for someone to save my son's life for me. Save it for me because I can't live without him. I tried to rub his back - I had seen nurses do that with the apnea prone preemies and they always came back. I tried placing him over my heart to see if that would stimulate his to beat again. Anything. I would have done anything. I would have put my own heart into him to save him from leaving this world. But he was gone.
And now what's left? I miss him. I miss him every time I think about being pregnant. I miss him everytime I see a photo of my pregnant belly. I miss him when I look at the photos we have of him after birth. I miss him when I see commercials for pregnancy items or children's items. I miss him when I see a mother with her baby and they are cuddled up together. I miss him when the dogs do a funny trick because he is supposed to be here and his laughter is supposed to fill the room when they act funny. I just miss him period.
“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”
― E.E. Cummings
― E.E. Cummings
Monday, December 3, 2012
That Lonesome Song
Today I dreamed of Luke. It was so vivid. While I can't recall the events of the dream, I felt the hurt. I woke up half expecting him to be beside me. To comfort me. I just knew I had felt him in my arms. Dreams are so funny. So surreal. To have imagined the feel of his skin and wake up to an empty heart again hurt. Is this where I will find my solace from now on? In dreams? Is that how I am destined to live my life with Luke? Is that the only way I truly have him with me?
I went back to work again today. And again I saw someone who I hadn't seen since I had Luke so unexpectedly. And again the hurt cut into me like a jagged knife. But I have to learn to live with this life. I have to understand that this is me now. For the remainder of my days on Earth I will be that woman. But I know I am not alone. So many women have to face daily life after a loss like this and I am no exception. I can either let this tragedy define me or I can live life again. And everyday I will fight to live life again.
I have a birthday coming up. Even as I type this I roll my eyes. Another year. What do I have to show for it? I'm still in the same place as I was last year, only now I have lost a baby. My baby. My sweet son. I will be 28 years old and I laugh at the thought. I feel like I am 128. Should I be proud? Should I be grateful for the days I have lived in hell? Every day since October 4th I have experienced a new feeling in life. Some good, some excellent, some so terrible I wish it were a bad dream. But I wouldn't trade one of them. If I knew I would have the same outcome, if I knew I wouldn't be able to keep Luke with me either way, I wouldn't change a thing.
One of Luke's nurses from Children's sent us a card Friday. A hand written card. She told us how upset she was to come in the Monday after Luke passed and not have him to care for anymore. She too lost a child. She shared her story with us and it brought me to tears. She was our favorite nurse and I suppose now we know why. The care she took with him. The loving hand she had with him. It makes perfect sense now. She took care of Luke like he was her own because she too experienced the pain that we were. She gave us her helpful advice and she showed that she still cares for us regardless of our outcome with Luke. That takes a special person. Not many people can say they have that.
I want to share a memory of Luke that we had a couple of days before he passed. It was the second time Kathy, the loving nurse I speak of, worked with Luke. Luke's fluid retention was terrible and he was leaking fluid, as I already shared. She told us that she had given him a massage the last time she was with him to help move some of the fluid and he responded very well to it. She asked if we wanted to massage him. When Luke got sick with his tummy we couldn't have Kangaroo time with him anymore. He was too sick and the stimulation may have been to hard on him. Scott never got to have Kangaroo time with Luke. He actually hadn't gotten the opportunity to do much touch time with him at all since he wasn't at the hospital all day like I was. When Kathy offered to let us have this touch time with him my heart skipped a beat. As much as I longed to do it, my heart told me that this was Scott's opportunity. This was his time to have with Luke since he didn't get much before Luke got sick. After a couple of minutes of reassuring him that this was his moment to have, he massaged Luke for about 15 minutes. The response from Luke was amazing. He loved every second of it. His breathing improved, his heart rate evened out, his body temperature stabilized. It was amazing. And heartwarming. The father-son time Scott deserved was here and it was the best thing for both of them. I sat in the chair in awe of the experience. Kathy commented the entire time about how well Luke was doing with the stimulation. Then the sweetest thing happened. Luke smiled at his daddy. Recalling that memory brings tears to my eyes. It was long overdue.
Kathy then told us she had to change the dressing on Luke's central line. He generally didn't do well with this. In fact it pissed him off. I chuckle to think of it. He didn't want to be bothered! He was feisty and didn't mind letting anyone know that. Since he had a breathing tube he couldn't have a pacifier to soothe him. So she dipped a q-tip in saline water and instructed me to insert it under his breathing tube and into his mouth. I did so and he loved it. He sucked on that q-tip the entire time. I talked to him. I told him that it was just a minor irritation and it would be over soon. He never got agitated. He just sucked on that q-tip and smiled. Our touch with him and hearing our voices was the most comforting thing to my sweet son. I will cherish these memories forever.
Kathy mentioned these memories in her note to us. She remembered. She held these memories close to her heart just like we did. She told us that she would always be here for us no matter what and that she would always have a special place in her heart for Luke. I wonder, did she make bonds like this with other parents? Did she see something in us like we did in her? It's amazing to think of the people that situations like these bring into your life. If this had never happened with Luke, we would never know Kathy. We wouldn't know one of the sweetest people in this world.
My sweet Aunt Joyce went to Heaven on Friday. Her body no longer wanted to fight. I think of her and wonder if she finally met Luke. I wonder if she's telling him stories of his mother when she was young. I wonder if she is comforting him and telling him that everything is ok. Death is strange. It is not prejudiced. It takes the young, the old, and all ages in between. I thought of my Aunt Joyce today. She loved butterflies. I used to love going to her house as a child because she had butterflies everywhere. While I was on my way home from work, Mariah Carey's song "Butterfly" came on the radio. While I know the meaning of the song is not about death, I couldn't help but interpret it as a sign of my Aunt Joyce. Her spirit is now in the happiest place imaginable and I hope she is in a garden full of butterflies. At peace and not suffering. And maybe she is showing Luke butterflies and sharing her love in the beauty of nature with my sweet son.
"When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly"
I went back to work again today. And again I saw someone who I hadn't seen since I had Luke so unexpectedly. And again the hurt cut into me like a jagged knife. But I have to learn to live with this life. I have to understand that this is me now. For the remainder of my days on Earth I will be that woman. But I know I am not alone. So many women have to face daily life after a loss like this and I am no exception. I can either let this tragedy define me or I can live life again. And everyday I will fight to live life again.
I have a birthday coming up. Even as I type this I roll my eyes. Another year. What do I have to show for it? I'm still in the same place as I was last year, only now I have lost a baby. My baby. My sweet son. I will be 28 years old and I laugh at the thought. I feel like I am 128. Should I be proud? Should I be grateful for the days I have lived in hell? Every day since October 4th I have experienced a new feeling in life. Some good, some excellent, some so terrible I wish it were a bad dream. But I wouldn't trade one of them. If I knew I would have the same outcome, if I knew I wouldn't be able to keep Luke with me either way, I wouldn't change a thing.
One of Luke's nurses from Children's sent us a card Friday. A hand written card. She told us how upset she was to come in the Monday after Luke passed and not have him to care for anymore. She too lost a child. She shared her story with us and it brought me to tears. She was our favorite nurse and I suppose now we know why. The care she took with him. The loving hand she had with him. It makes perfect sense now. She took care of Luke like he was her own because she too experienced the pain that we were. She gave us her helpful advice and she showed that she still cares for us regardless of our outcome with Luke. That takes a special person. Not many people can say they have that.
I want to share a memory of Luke that we had a couple of days before he passed. It was the second time Kathy, the loving nurse I speak of, worked with Luke. Luke's fluid retention was terrible and he was leaking fluid, as I already shared. She told us that she had given him a massage the last time she was with him to help move some of the fluid and he responded very well to it. She asked if we wanted to massage him. When Luke got sick with his tummy we couldn't have Kangaroo time with him anymore. He was too sick and the stimulation may have been to hard on him. Scott never got to have Kangaroo time with Luke. He actually hadn't gotten the opportunity to do much touch time with him at all since he wasn't at the hospital all day like I was. When Kathy offered to let us have this touch time with him my heart skipped a beat. As much as I longed to do it, my heart told me that this was Scott's opportunity. This was his time to have with Luke since he didn't get much before Luke got sick. After a couple of minutes of reassuring him that this was his moment to have, he massaged Luke for about 15 minutes. The response from Luke was amazing. He loved every second of it. His breathing improved, his heart rate evened out, his body temperature stabilized. It was amazing. And heartwarming. The father-son time Scott deserved was here and it was the best thing for both of them. I sat in the chair in awe of the experience. Kathy commented the entire time about how well Luke was doing with the stimulation. Then the sweetest thing happened. Luke smiled at his daddy. Recalling that memory brings tears to my eyes. It was long overdue.
Kathy then told us she had to change the dressing on Luke's central line. He generally didn't do well with this. In fact it pissed him off. I chuckle to think of it. He didn't want to be bothered! He was feisty and didn't mind letting anyone know that. Since he had a breathing tube he couldn't have a pacifier to soothe him. So she dipped a q-tip in saline water and instructed me to insert it under his breathing tube and into his mouth. I did so and he loved it. He sucked on that q-tip the entire time. I talked to him. I told him that it was just a minor irritation and it would be over soon. He never got agitated. He just sucked on that q-tip and smiled. Our touch with him and hearing our voices was the most comforting thing to my sweet son. I will cherish these memories forever.
Kathy mentioned these memories in her note to us. She remembered. She held these memories close to her heart just like we did. She told us that she would always be here for us no matter what and that she would always have a special place in her heart for Luke. I wonder, did she make bonds like this with other parents? Did she see something in us like we did in her? It's amazing to think of the people that situations like these bring into your life. If this had never happened with Luke, we would never know Kathy. We wouldn't know one of the sweetest people in this world.
My sweet Aunt Joyce went to Heaven on Friday. Her body no longer wanted to fight. I think of her and wonder if she finally met Luke. I wonder if she's telling him stories of his mother when she was young. I wonder if she is comforting him and telling him that everything is ok. Death is strange. It is not prejudiced. It takes the young, the old, and all ages in between. I thought of my Aunt Joyce today. She loved butterflies. I used to love going to her house as a child because she had butterflies everywhere. While I was on my way home from work, Mariah Carey's song "Butterfly" came on the radio. While I know the meaning of the song is not about death, I couldn't help but interpret it as a sign of my Aunt Joyce. Her spirit is now in the happiest place imaginable and I hope she is in a garden full of butterflies. At peace and not suffering. And maybe she is showing Luke butterflies and sharing her love in the beauty of nature with my sweet son.
"When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly"
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