Never My Love

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.” ― Paulo Coelho

Well, here I am, again, just like last year, when my last post appeared on this blog. This year is different though. Where last year I almost couldn't stop myself from writing all of my thoughts and feelings, this year I'm at a loss for words. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not from a lack of words - and those of you who know me quite well, know that's almost impossible; however, it's more what's left to say? Still hurt - check. Still sad - check. Still mad - check. Although considerably less than last year, my excellent days far exceed the bad, those emotions haven't gone anywhere that's for sure. But, who wants to sound like a broken record, honestly? 

I have been going to therapy - which has helped me far beyond what I can express in words, which is why I think I have stopped writing for the most part, but now my therapist is encouraging it. So here I am. But here I am with a huge writers block - not from a lack of material, but a lack of NEW material. So what I thought I may do in this post is write to Luke on his birthday and tell him all of the things I have been wanting to say - to him. So, here goes. 

My Sweet Luke,

Today you would have been two years old! I imagine you would have been such a big boy! I read that at two a child begins to learn independence. Mommy doesn't know if that would have went well for her - how could she have let you get away from her?! They have this label called "terrible twos", which I like to think, "not my child", but I am sure even your precious self would have succumb to the label as well. This is because you would have learned how to start expressing emotions - those good and bad ones. And you would have started potty training. That seems like so much to start learning after your second birthday!

I think about the things you are missing out on, Luke, and I wonder why you had to leave so soon. You definitely experienced more in your 38 days than some do in a lifetime, that is for sure, but the little things you have missed are what I think of at times. Your first words - what would they have been? I want to say Mommy - I am sure your Daddy would like to think Dadda, but like his first word was "clock", I am sure yours would have been something just as random as that! Maybe doggy since you would have had some to play with. When would you have taken your first steps? Heck, when would you have rolled over for the first time or started sitting up by yourself? 

Mommy and Daddy moved to Texas this year and we love it. We miss Georgia though. We also got a new dog named Jackson. We rescued him from a shelter that was going to put him down otherwise. We gave him another chance at life. I like to think you are very proud of us for saving him - and just like you taught us so much sweet boy, Jackson has too. I wish you were here with us to experience Texas. Your Daddy and I miss you so much and we talk about you all the time. I don't you want you to think we would ever stop. Never my love. 

We get asked all the time, "So do y'all have any kids?", especially since moving to a new area, beginning new jobs and meeting new people, it seems to be the first question to ask - which is okay, we understand. But it's hard, how do we answer this? We don't presently have kids with us no, but we have you, you're just not with us in the physical sense. That's a mouthful and unfortunately considered a "bummer" to say to someone when meeting them for the first time, so what do we say? We both feel bad answering "no" because it's simply not true, but what do you do? 

Luke, you are so blessed to have so many people that love you! All these people reached out to Mommy and Daddy today to send birthday wishes for you and to let us know they were thinking of us. It's really overwhelming. It's been two years and we still have such a strong support system, it's amazing. You are so loved my baby and I am so happy. If there's one thing you accomplished in your short little life, you touched so many hearts and that's just amazing. 

I thought of the last time we had kangaroo time, before you got so sick with your tummy, the other day. I could have held you forever, and ironically enough, though not in the flesh, I do hold you in my heart forever, in the same spot you laid for hours that day. I remember the nurse telling me how much you loved it because your levels were so good and you were so content. I was too. Sometimes when I am asked to think of my happy place, that's where I go. When it was just you and I, alone during our special kangaroo time, with nothing else in the world happening but that. That's my happy place baby boy. Maybe its yours too. Maybe if death is a dream - or a constant replaying memory - it's that one for you. I hope it's something as special. It could be the time you and your Daddy held hands and he told you stories about Ghostbusters. That was a pretty awesome time too. 

I will always love and miss you my sweet baby Luke. I will never understand why you were taken from us, but I will cherish the time you were here and I will never take time for granted because I know how precious it is - and how quickly it can be gone. I hope the celebration was a good one and know that you are always our little bean. 

We love you,
Mommy & Daddy

Scars are Souvenirs (You Never Lose)

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” - Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

It has been one year since Luke blessed us with his presence. 365 days. Over 8,000 hours. Countless minutes. Agonizing seconds. To say time flies would be a severe understatement. I still smell the hospital room. I still feel the compression stockings. Inflating, deflating. It feels like yesterday. Not a year ago. They say time heals all wounds, and I am sure that is true, but today the wounds did not heal. Instead, they opened back up, as fresh as they were 365 days ago.

It's so hard to believe this is my life now. It's surreal to acknowledge the fact that one year ago today my life changed drastically. See, today, being Luke's birthday, I should be planning a birthday party for him. While I was pregnant I had already imagined these things for Luke. I had envisioned his theme would either be baseball or NASCAR. All of his beloved family would be there as he "smashes" his cake. Everyone would see the gifts he would get. He would have such a big day! Later in the night we would hug Luke and tell him how much we love him before tucking him in tight for sweet dreams. This was my dream. He would be our little man. 

But instead, Scott and I went to the cemetery this morning to "celebrate" (mourn) Luke's birthday. Pretty morbid, huh? You are probably thinking, "You shouldn't say things like that" or "You shouldn't feel that way". Well this is my reality. I will never have that party for Luke. He will never know what it feels like to wake up on the day of his birthday full of excitement. We won't tuck him in tonight and tell him how much we love him. We had to say that through 6 feet of Earth at the cemetery. Do I sound bitter? Yes, I do. And I am aware. But I feel I am justified in these feelings today. After all, this is nearing the end of the year of "firsts". All we have next would be the anniversary of his death. We've been through the holidays, his due date, other pregnancies and births, and even loss some friends of ours. I've been attempting to prepare myself for this day for quite some time. And yet it turned out to be nothing like I had thought it would be. I am more bitter than I thought I would be. Less emotional, I've only cried twice. Way more painful than I anticipated. My heart has fluttered all day. My stomach has stayed in knots. 

I have so much amazing support that I am almost ashamed of the way I feel. So many shoulders to cry on, ears to bend and hands to hold. Surely this isn't how a strong woman who has been through what I have acts. She's more peaceful and serene. She's not bitter, she's thankful. Ugh nothing could be further from the truth. I won't beat myself up too much over it, after all this is the first year. I know that over time pain fades, but the scars are forever. But I have to express myself through this outlet so I don't bottleneck the emotions and explode one day. Oh - speaking of scars - my little reminder from last year has finally faded enough that I don't notice it every day. Hey, that's improvement!

Last night Scott and I went to the Braves game. We had so much fun. But through the entire game all I could think of was Luke. How much he would have enjoyed going. I saw so many families with their babies and children. And I couldn't help but think to myself how much they appreciated what they have. One baby was squirming and her mother looked highly annoyed with her. I wish I had Luke to squirm around on me. Oh if I had Luke I would never let him go. It's natural, I know. Every single moment of parenthood is not rainbows and butterflies. I also understand that until someone experiences something like I have, they will never really know what it feels like to be without. And it's totally not anyone's fault. I can't expect everyone to know how heartbreaking it can be to watch someone's child grow and be happy and healthy. 

This past year has held some of the happiest days of my life (seeing Luke for the first time, our first touch, holding him, Kangaroo time) and some of the darkest (losing Luke and the couple of moths afterwards). Through it all I have learned one thing - life goes on. For others looking in on Scott and I it's just another day. Another 8 hours at work. Another trip to the grocery store. Another day at school. But for us it's the day that time officially stood still in our life. I don't want to sound 100% bitter because I'm not. I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. Things I never knew I could do. I could make it through things I never imagined having to face. I have come to appreciate so many things that before Luke I would have never thought twice about. I have made friends that if not for Luke I would have never met. I have truly been able to look at life through a different set of eyes, and although the circumstances of this are ones that I would never wish on my worst enemy, that very few people will ever have the opportunity to do. I have looked through the eyes of a person that never thought it would happen to me to the eyes of someone that takes time to learn something from every situation I find myself in. 

I love my husband so much more than I ever have. It's a new love. I have seen him become a wonderful father and my rock during hard times. Every day I find something new to fall in love with him about. I am so grateful for him. He's seen me at my absolute worst and yet he still loves me. Some couples don't make it through a tragic event like this. I am thankful that Scott and I only became closer. 

Probably the biggest battle I have fought in the last 6 months would be whether or not children will eventually be a part of our life. Some days I wish for 2 or 3 children and other days the thought makes me ill. I know when the time is right things will fall into place the way they were meant to. And the things that fall into place may or may not include children. Time will tell that. 

I celebrated 5 years of marriage with Scott this year. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last - I mean we did run off and elope after 2 months of seeing each other. But here we are celebrating the first of many milestones to come in our marriage. I also lost my sweet grandmother this year. That was really hard for me. She was the only grandparent I had left and the only grandparent I spent so much of my life with. It's actually a bit odd - I lost the youngest person in my life and the oldest this year. It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I will never talk to my grandmother again. No more trips to Statesboro. No more stories of Bingo and craft time. But I know she is in Heaven with my Aunt Joyce (her sister) and Luke, her son James that passed as a teenager, the rest of her siblings and family and most importantly she is reunited with her love, my Papa, JW. She's finally at peace and reunited with all of her loved ones.

Thank you for taking a moment to check in with us. Thank you all for remembering Luke, you will never know how much that means to us. 

Xoxo,
Melissa

Purpose and Fulfillment

"I must not just live my life; I will not just spend my life. I will invest in my life." Helen Keller

"Our greatest fulfillment lies in giving ourselves to others." Henri J.M. Nouwen


Many of us had dreams when we were little. BIG dreams. Extraordinary dreams. Astronauts, Engineers, Teachers, President of the United States (or First Lady if you're lucky ;) ), etc. Big dreams we just knew we could do, dreams we knew we could achieve. As life progresses oftentimes these dreams take a different path. Circumstances in life may make you feel like you can't achieve your dreams. But if you could do it all over again, if you could be given that second chance at life, what would you do? Little things can inspire these dreams you had as a child or big things can inspire them as well. 

I have said this time and time again, but Luke is my inspiration. He was given to me to learn a whole new world, a whole new meaning to life, and he was taken from me to give me the push to dream big again. 

When I was little I always thought I would be a teacher or a nurse. I would always "doctor" or "teach" my stuffed animals. I loved it! Thinking back on some of the things I did are actually quite hilarious. "I'm sorry Merle (my Cabbagepatch doll) you did not pass this test. This is not addition." I am laughing just remembering. Then I would write notes to Merle's mom and pin them on him explaining his terrible grades. Looking back nowI realize those were my first memories of "helping others". Yes it's quite funny to think I was helping dolls and stuffed animals, but a child's imagination is endless if you fuel it. 

I also remember these stray puppies showed up in our yard one day. I instantly fell in love. So I started to "teach" them. I would set these puppies on the railings of my porch and try to teach songs to them. Then the ultimate "boo-boo" happened - one puppy fell off the railing and broke his leg. I immediately felt bad and hurt. I rushed inside and told my mama what had happened. She helped me make a splint out of items in the house (we always had tons since my dad worked at a mobile home manufacturing plant, lol) and with the help of mama we fixed his leg. We then found out they were actually our neighbor's puppies so mama then took them all back over the fence and told the neighbor's what happened. No one got in trouble, I mean it was an accident, but that is a second flag of my need to "help". I had to fix that puppy. He had to be whole again and not broken.

It is funny to write that. That's what I am accomplishing with the help of my wonderful therapist for myself. I am broken. But I want to be whole again. And I will be. And I will be a much better person than I have ever been in my life. 

So as you know, I am neither a nurse nor a teacher. There are reasons: 1- nursing, not so much what I had imagined. I am not calm enough to react in a quick situation correctly, 2 - teaching, again, not so much. I am lacking a great deal of patience, and as I understand that is a definite requirement to teaching. God bless all the medical providers and teachers out there! You make our world a better place.

I have been thinking of these aspirations from childhood a lot lately. I am happy where I am in life, wonderful husband, great family and friends, and a job that I can say I love to get up and go to every single day. I am definitely blessed. But that yearning I had as a child is just too great to ignore. What am I doing in my life that is really fulfilling my need to help others? 

That is why I decided to become heavily involved in the March of Dimes. This is an amazing group. They are saving our lives, not just our children, but our parents as well. This is where I can satisfy that craving to help others, and if it had not been for Luke, I would never know this was my calling. Here is my purpose, here is my passion. This is what I was meant to do. Do everything I can to help others who do, unfortunately, go through what Scott and I did and to be a pillar of support for those who feel they have no hope when times are the darkest. I know that feeling. I have been there way more times than I would have preferred. I have persevered. Am I 100% back to me? No and in all reality I never will be. But the new me can be a host for support and inspiration. I don't plan on stopping after March for Babies. I will continue to be an advocate for March of Dimes. I will continue to prove that there is life after a tragedy, it just takes time - and of course a little support from someone who knows exactly how you feel.

With that being said, please think about donating or even being there for support at March for Babies. Everything counts. There is truly no deed too small for this organization. If you are reading this and you would like more information about Luke's walk, please visit the website below to become involved. It is well worth your time. 

      http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2040652
     

With that being said, I thank you all for being so supportive. I thank you all for caring. I most importantly thank God for putting each one of you in my life. 

Melissa

Commandment #10

Commandment 10: Thou shalt not covet.

Deadly Sin 1: Lust

Coincidentally these two sayings, the commandment and the sin, actually go hand in hand. We are not to covet what others have - homes, cars, jobs, money, power, etc. But the first deadly sin is Lust which in turn believes that all human nature is bound to lust for something - cars, jobs, money, power, etc. 

I must admit that in the past few weeks I have found myself guilty of these two things. I have coveted what others have that I don't and I have lusted for these things the same. First, I want to say that I in no way mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. Nor is it my intent to upset. I just want to write about the things I have found myself lusting and coveting as it relates to me and where I am at in my recovery. Therapy is teaching me so much. My therapist is amazing and I wouldn't be in my recovery if it weren't for her. I tell her the things I lust and covet for and she says that it is a normal part of my healing process. 

I have a very close family member who is nearing the end of her pregnancy. She is only 3 months behind me in relation to the due date. I love her and her sweet baby. I can't wait to meet him and hold him. But in a way I lust for that. Not in an inappropriate way, I lust to hold a newborn healthy baby boy like it should have been for me. I then start to lust for my own healthy newborn baby for myself. I will not lie and say that I won't be tearful when the time comes, when we get the phone call or text that baby is here. But I want to hold him just for a moment to see what it feels like. And to thank God that he has given this precious child a wonderful life to live with his family as well as the family who will have their very own precious life to have forever. 

What I am coveting may be a little more strange to some, but again my therapist said it's a perfectly normal part of the grieving and healing process and I should feel this way. There is a girl I work with that is pregnant, just in her first trimester. I covet her pregnancy. I want my own! I want to feel that life inside of me again and the comfort that sweet baby feels being with its Mommy all day and night long. I love her the same and her baby also. 

When I tell my therapist how I feel she assures me that I am normal, but I almost feel shameful. My time will come when it's right - but my impatient side, my yearning maternal side craves it so much. And rightfully so. All of my dreams and hopes for Luke were so violently ripped away from me that the only way the body knows to fix the trauma is to replace it with something else. Which in my case is another baby. But I know better. If I were to become pregnant again right now I don't think I would be able to handle it. It's such a confusing time. 

I see all of my friends on Facebook with their precious babies and their sweet pregnancies and I think "Why me God?" Why am I the one that has to have these jealous feelings for another person's happiness? I then realize that these are normal reactions when you have lost something so close to your heart. The same could be said if I were single and watching all of my friends marry and start families of their own, or it could be said for someone laid off from their job but their friends don't have the slightest financial problems. I know it is part of the human psyche - part of our nature to yearn for more. Then you have a tragedy occur and it is intensified by a million. But I continue to pray for solace within my soul and I have it most of the time. 

My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She said that it's unusual for people to think of that term as being associated with anything other than military type mental illness. But that's not true. Losing your child, being in an abusive relationship, having an abusive parent, all of these things can also trigger PTSD. I told my therapist about my dreams of Luke and she says they are caused from the PTSD and she also said unfortunately some of these odd occurrences will stay with me forever given the situation.

I love to see my preemie babies growing and doing so well but it also saddens me at the same time. I'll never get to take Luke home with me. I won't be able to watch him grow and make a lifetime of memories with him. It's selfish almost but I think it's a deserved selfishness. Why couldn't my Luke do these amazing things and be home with us by now? Why did my fate have to turn out the way it did? I don't think I will ever get the answer to that. 

I want to reiterate over and over again, if you read this and you are pregnant, or have a newborn, or you are my co-worker and family member, please do not take offense or get upset by what I say. I may have mixed emotions right now because everything is still so new to me, but I do not love you or your baby any less. I am also no less thrilled for you! 

I hate to feel shameful or selfish. But I can't help but feel that right now. Everything is so new. 

I have spent a lot of time thinking of sweet Baby Aaron who got his wings a couple of weeks ago. This brought back so many emotions so perhaps that explains why I have these feelings of lust and covent. Baby Aaron fought so hard, so hard, to live and at a time when he should have been at home with Mommy and Daddy learning the ways of the world. 
Aaron tried so hard to live with his new livers but he just couldn't. My heart breaks for him and his family. Knowing what they are going through first hand just saddens me so deeply.

I have to thank everyone for supporting Scott and I during this new path we found ourselves hurdled down. Everything is so new, perspective has changed so much. We continue to find ourselves and how we fit into a world without Luke. 

I almost feel like these are still the days of the NICU. Emotional roller coaster. I am ready to depart this ride and ready for things to steadily return to normal. Or for whatever normal is going to be for us now. The ups and downs, they are not going anywhere any time soon. There will always be that person that says the wrong thing, or that situation where we relive our tragedy again. But in time we will learn how to properly cope with it and it won't be so bad then. 

It's so hard to watch life progress on when you are still stuck in the days of your tragedy. But I keep praying. I keep my faith and I keep my hope. 

I will close with a little bit of my nerdy side shining through, two quotes from two of my favorite book series:

"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
JRRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Miracles

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". When I think of my life over the past ten months I think of all of my miracles. The miracle when I found out I was pregnant. The miracle when I saw the first ultrasound of my Bean. The miracle of having Luke - alive and healthy for the most part - for the little amount of time I had him with me. The miracle of watching my sweet son smile at me and snuggle closer and closer during our bonding times. And even though it may not feel like it at some times, but the miracle of losing Luke as well. I don't mean to make light of my loss - it is in fact something I struggle with daily. But if Einstein is correct then everything is a miracle. If it weren't for Luke, I don't know where or what I would be right now. Luke has taught me some amazing values and virtues and while it may seem foolish for me to think he knew what he was teaching me, I know he knew his life's mission. He was sent to change me. He gave me a second chance at life. I didn't have to hold on to the negativity anymore that plagued my mind and soul. I could let that go and live again - and this time see the world in a completely different light. 

Some of you may know that I have been undergoing my testing since Luke passed. When Dr. Bodner first told me everything he wanted to test on me I was very hesitant. I was scared to know what happened, but I had an insatiable need to know as well. Luke passed in November so I decided I would do this testing for him. And I started them in January, having my last test done on the day before Luke's due date. To me it was a sense of closure. Even though I wasn't at the hospital delivering my loved son, I was at the hospital figuring out how to prevent this from ever happening again. I had tons of blood work done - and I mean tons. Dr. Bodner is a wonderfully precise man. He wanted to leave no stone unturned in my body. I also had a procedure known as an HSG performed as well. Typically women have an HSG if they are having issues conceiving. Well we already knew that wasn't an issue. I had the procedure so Dr. Boder could study internal x-rays of my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. 

I could name a laundry list of things they could have potentially found that would have caused Luke's premature arrival. Tilted uterus, misshapen uterus, fibroids on my ovaries, kinks in my fallopian tubes, glucose levels too high or low, thyroid problems, iron deficiency, placental issues, umbilical cord issues, oh the list goes on, but I think you have the idea by now. It was a crap ton of worry!

Last Wednesday Scott and I went to see Dr. Bodner for the results of my testing and to talk about the future of parenthood. Dr. Bodner is also a wonderfully witty man. I love him already. When we went into his office the first thing he says is this, "Scott I wish there was something I could tell you was wrong with your wife, but alas there is not. Not one thing wrong with your beautiful bride (hey- his words not mine!)". He then went on to explain the results he was expecting to find that caused me to go into active labor so early in my pregnancy - blood levels slightly off, loopy uterus, crazy cervix, dysfunctional placenta.... but nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I had to suppress tears - mainly because every time I visit with Gary (as he is liked to be referred to) I end up using every box of tissues he has in his office. He jokingly told me at my previous appointment that I take the crown for uses of kleenex and he now knows he must keep them in full stock when he sees me on his books. :) All of my blood work came back perfect. Everything was in the ranges they were supposed to be in for my age, height and weight. There are no concerns with genetic malfunctions either. I have a perfect reproductive system, uterus is spot on, ovaries and fallopes are as well. The extensive research they did on my placenta all came back normal. So Luke, that precious sweet baby, was being very well taken care of by his mommy on the inside. Peace came over me. For so long, since October, I have been struggling with myself over why this happened. Surely something went wrong. But once Gary assured us that nothing was wrong with me I found a very bittersweet peace. Happy that I can go on to have as many children as I want - whenever that rolls around again - and they will be healthy beautiful babies like Luke only they will make their entire journey inside mommy. Dr. Bodner did mention that one test he ran was slightly inconclusive and that is a potential issue with clotting. He said the lab work on my placenta didn't show enough evidence of that being the case. But at any rate that man laid down a birth plan for Scott and I when we get ready that made us extremely happy.

To quote Gary, and please do not be offended, he said "Unfortunately sweetheart you got dealt a shitty hand and had to live through a shitty experience". But if I hadn't been through this experience then I wouldn't be sitting here letting everyone know that I can without a doubt have more children. Luke gave me that. While it is not fair and it certainly doesn't replace having my baby here with me healthy and brand new, it does keep my hope and faith going. It is fueling it. There really is a silver lining in every cloud, we just have to take a moment and find it. And when you find it keep it with you forever for that is the light during your darkest times.

Gary is so funny - he was like when are we starting again - immediately?! Scott and I both had mini heart attacks. Ummm no? Then he laughed and laughed and said that is what I was hoping to hear for you. 

So in case you are interested in hearing our birth plan for when the time comes, here goes. I will come off my pills two months before trying (Gary got a big kick out of that one - if I can wait that long since I got pregnant while taking my pills the first time. Then he winked at Scott, lol). After that I will take a baby aspirin every day. This will help prevent clots if they do happen to sneak in somewhere undetectable. I will then get pregnant at some point, and begin my weekly visits with Gary himself. He is going to take very good care of me. He will do an ultrasound if not every week at least very frequently just to monitor my next vegetable. I will also get the progesterone shots every week and he will perform a cerclage at 14 weeks. Then smooth sailing from there until he takes the cerclage out and my baby is born - full term. 

Unfortunately incompetent cervix is a crazy thing. That's why we call it the crazy cervix. This may never happen to me again but as precautionary measures I will most definitely get the cerclage. 

I dream about more children. I can't imagine the fear I will have when I do decide to become pregnant again. But Gary also told me that is to be expected and he has some wonderful medicine that is safe for baby and will make mommy very relaxed during her pregnancy. It would probably be beneficial to daddy as well so the next time Papa John's decides to leave out my 3 extra orders of peppers WWIII won't happen. 

Malone life is going pretty well. I love my husband each day more than the last. I realize he is the perfect half to me and I couldn't have been any luckier when I found him so many years ago. Fate, miracles, they go hand in hand. 

I can't end my post without asking everyone to remember these precious babies fighting every day to live. Sweet Mercy is doing so so well!! Baby Aaron is getting there - just a few minor tweaks and he will be good as new in no time! A very dear friend also had her baby girl, Isabella premature but, all praise to his Highness, she is rocking right along as well. Remember them and their families. Pray for strength and comfort like you did for me. Trust me it's appreciated more that anyone could ever know. 

"A miracle is often the willingness to see the common in an uncommon way." Noah Benshea

Windfall

"May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours." - An old Irish blessing

I love this blessing. Not only because my husband is of Irish descent, but also because it says so much of such a loving and giving culture. I have been thinking of Luke a lot lately. Tuesday was his due date and although it was sad to a degree, it was also a happy day. I spent most of the day reliving those terrifying but joyful days when Luke was born. I thought of the first time I saw him and our first touch. I thought of the first time I held him and he gazed into my eyes. These memories I will cherish forever. I also thought of the dark day he was taken from us. I felt the despair all over again. But instead of crying, I remembered the peaceful look he had on his face as I held him. And I smiled and thanked God He gave me the most precious moments of my life in the 38 days Luke was here. 

I pray every morning and night for sweet Mercy. I think of her often and I imagine what her precious parents are going through right now. It is so unfair, but yet so beautiful as well. They have their miracle with them. They are making the same memories I cherish so much. I know the fear of the unknown that Mercy's family is experiencing. But I have all of the confidence in the world when I say this precious fighter will be just fine. She's spunky - I like to think she's much like her Auntie. I can't help but think of my sweet Luke when I watch the videos of Mercy and look at her photos. I keep my hope alive and I keep it alive for sweet babies like Mercy - so that they live and prosper and one day grow to do great things themselves. Maybe one day Mercy will grow to be a nurse or doctor and she will take care of preemies like she's being taken care of now. 

I know the reality of these situations are sometimes overwhelming. Every baby has their own story. My brother in law gave me the link to another baby's story - but this baby's story hurts me deeply. Aaron was born with a rare liver disease that caused liver failure at birth. He's fighting. To be such a small being he is doing mighty things. Much like Mercy and Luke. He's fighting to live. He did get a transplant but unfortunately the results were not what was anticipated. His body rejected the organ. He's on the list again for a second transplant. Pray for him. Pray for his family. 

While reading the journal Aaron's parents write I read his transplant entry. It brought me to tears. I wept for the heartache but I also wept with admiration at something his parent's wrote. They asked that we not forget the family that donated the liver to their son. A family that lost their infant. It made me think - during a time like that - how wonderful they must be that they actually took time to ask that everyone pray for this family. It gives me hope for mankind. The selflessness of Aaron's family to ask for prayer for this family and the selflessness of this family to donate during their darkest time to save another infant. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. 

Over the past few months I have developed an amazing bond with an amazing woman. She too experienced loss - she lost her daughter 5 years ago. Brelyn passed in February so this time of the year is extremely difficult for Kayla and Justain, Brelyn's mom and dad. I talked with Kayla today because she was really down. Even though I have an amazing support system, sometimes it's nice to just talk to someone who KNOWS. Someone who has been there and feels what you feel. After talking with Kayla I started thinking ... I am part of something amazing. Losing Luke was not amazing, but having him was. I realized that even though we may not feel strong we absolutely are. I almost feel like we are part of a special club. I hope and pray no one ever has to go through what we have been through, but I say that meaning the bonds and the solidarity you feel with another person who has been through what you have makes you realize that life is going to be okay. Whatever the outcome may be for you - it is what is meant to be. And each stepping stone in life, whether it is a pebble or a boulder, only makes you stronger in the end. 

I leave asking that you pray for not only Mercy and Aaron and every baby fighting for their life, but also pray for their parents and family. They too need comfort for the road they are on. It's not always easy and sometimes your bad days will outweigh your good, but with a little help from others you can face any challenge the day may bring. 

"May the wind take your troubles away." - SonVolt 

Mercy Me, Mercy My

“For children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.” 

It has been a while since I have written. Life suddenly returned to "normal" for whatever that mens. Full time at work and school also is very time consuming and I am so ready for it to be over with, lol! 

Spent some time with my sister on her birthday and it was very enjoyable. Had a wonderful time with the kids, they are all growing so big and they are the lights of my life. 

My heart has been heavy for a few weeks now. My friend's sister developed a very rare and semi-recent liver condition during her first pregnancy. She had just went 1/2 way into the second trimester. the doctors rallied and pretty much decided that they would need to take the baby early - but no earlier than 36 weeks. So we played the waiting game until she had to be admitted yesterday mid-morning because her blood pressure was sorta high. She delivered Mercy around lunchtime and she is absolutely perfect in every way possible. She was 2lbs 5oz, 15 1/2 inches. She is a firecracker based on the videos her Auntie sends to me. Precious Mercy is here so continue to life her in love and prayers! 

It has been very bittersweet to be so involved in Mercy's arrival and status. I know with all of my heart she will be just fine and grow up so pretty and strong and smart, no doubt. It makes me so incredibly happy to know in my heart she is going to be okay. But it also makes me sad a little, not because of Mercy herself ( I think she's doing fantastic!) just reminds me that Luke was there for so long and he wouldn't have even been home by now. It is depressing to think of it really. I heard the monitor beeps in the videos and I got sweaty palms. I saw her pictures with all of her leads and IV's and I just broke down into tears over it. 

Premature labor / preterm labor is a very serious and I don't believe it is promoted enough. Thank God for organizations like the March of Dimes..... you will have a new perspective!! So always remember to donate!!